Warrior Culture Redefined

"Before my father died he said that the worst thing about getting old was that other men stopped seeing you as dangerous. I've always remembered that; that being dangerous was sacred. A badge of honor.You live your life  by a code. An ethos. Every man does. It's your shoreline. It's what guides you home. And trust me...you're always trying to get home...

Your father was a good man. Growing up without him is going to be hard. It's going to hurt. You'll feel alone. Out to sea with no shore in sight. You'll wonder why me? Why him?

Remember, you have warrior's blood in your veins. The code that made your father who he was, is the same code that will make you a man he would admire...respect.

Put your pain in a box. Lock it down. Like the people in the paintings your father liked. We are men made up of boxes. Chambers of loss, triumph. Of hurt and hope and love.

No one is stronger or more dangerous than a man who can harness his emotions. Use it as fuel. As ammunition. As ink to write the most important letter of your life.

Before he died, your father asked me to give you this poem by Tecumsah. I told him I'd fold it into a paper airplane and sail it to you. And in a way, I guess that's what I'm doing. Sailing it from him to you.

'Live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about his religion. Respect others and their views and demand they respect yours. Love your life. Perfect your life. Beautify all things IN your life. Seek to make your life long and of service to your people. When your time comes to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep...and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again differently. Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home.'"

~Act of Valor~

Growing up Yup'ik (Eskimo) in a family that was blended and mixed the old traditions and beliefs with the new Western ones was something else. There were things the Yup'ik contingent of my family didn't talk about. Not hearing how the loss of culture made them feel. My Poppa didn't talk about his training to be an angalkuk...a medicine man. I never heard the reasons why we believed the things we did. The superstitions. Things we could ask Poppa or one of the Gr-Aunties about and they wouldn't say much. Just that it was done this way...or it just wasn't done. There were other things (because of our culture) we didn't talk about. We tucked bad things away that happened to us like tucking away a handkerchief in your grandma's sleeve before church. You knew it was there. Safely hidden from view. Ready to add more dirt, tears or snot to it when you needed it. You didn't point "the handkerchief" out. But it always came out when things got rough. Absorbing hurt and pain and dirt so on the surface of you, things looked clean again. Washing it when it got dirty. But it never really came clean. The handkerchief gets worn. Frayed on the edges. Stained over time and use with dirt, sweat...blood...tears.

One of the things I never understood about women's place in my culture, was why women were so taboo...People used to separate the girls from everyone when they had their menses...their moon time. Women could not touch the tools. Women could not touch the weapons. Women could not live with the men. There were a ton of rules about what women could and could not do. Why? My brain racked over that one forever. A lot of people gave me all sorts of reasons for it. None ever seemed good enough. Until...

I took a course in Yup'ik in college. It was incredibly interesting for me, as I didn't grow up with my language or even around much of my culture. Learning Yup'ik was frustrating and narrowing for me. I had a lot of questions about old traditions or superstitions no one could answer for me. Not even my instructors. My poor professors would lose their patience with me. "I don't KNOW Estelle..." or "So you've pointed out before Miss Thomson." I have always been kind of a handful...a slight pain in the ass. (SMILE) But, I just want to know things. Why. Why not. I love information. It's the great equalizer. It fills a toolbox within yourself that never can truly be filled.

So, back to women being taboo. Words in Yup'ik are broken up into bases, post bases, etc. A lot of words share bases. It's like in most languages. Latin. Or Greek. So, I'm looking through my gigantic Yup'ik-English Dictionary to help me figure out the language. Languages are easy for me to understand. I see connections easily. I learn pretty quickly. It's why I wanted to become a linguist at one point in my life. I love words. I remember them. I use them like most people use power tools. Frequently and to build. Words work for me. But, believe it or not, learning Yup'ik is really hard. It's hard to spell. It's hard to pronounce. It's hard to remember words that can have multiple post bases, enclitics, and other additions and modifiers and where all those modifiers can go. Yup'ik has no gender. "He" and "she" are more like genderless "them" or "they".

I was working on the literal translations for things. My instructor at the time, mentioned that the literal translation for angun (man) wasn't "man", but "tool for providing". I asked what the literal translation for arnaq (woman) was. My instructor didn't know. I asked what she knew about it, does it share a base with anything...what words...Exasperated, she said "Oh, Estelle...I don't know. Why don't you find out."

So, I did. After hours of examining and studying words with similar bases I found it. The base word for woman is the same base for danger...
It hit me like a ton of bricks. Women in my culture had so many taboos because we are dangerous...we are "the dangerous ones".

People in my culture and in societies in general have forgotten that women hold a lot of power. Women used to be revered and honored. Worshipped as the Divine Goddess in many countries and cultures. The female form was carved into talismans for fertility and safety. Women were sacred.

They are the cradle of life, as life miraculoulsy grows within them. They undergo an unbelievable amount of pain giving birth to said children. They can produce food of their body to feed their young. In many cases, we are the keepers of our traditions, our children's first teachers, the cornerstones of most families and the voice of the conscience that our children hear in their heads. We are built to nurture and to care for others.

We are a different kind of warrior. Warriors of the hearth and home. Warriors of the heart. Warriors of the family.

Now, this isn't to say that this is true of all women. I think we all have met women who care not about family and children or even themselves. The same can be said for a lot of men as well. Our warrior men have changed. Not always the one who provides, our warrior men need to feel useful. The idea of family and our roles in them has changed a great deal. And therein lies the greatest problem we face as men and women. Mothers and fathers. Husbands and wives. Aunts and Uncles. Grandmothers and Grandfathers.

When the traditional roles of men and women were turned up on their heads, so too were the expectations and behaviors. Now, don't think that I'm advocating the roles of men and women are supposed to be set in some archaic "little woman" and "old man" figures. In fact, I'm wanting to highlight that it doesn't have to be so. I believe women need to be stronger than ever these days. Many women, like myself, are single mothers who pull the entire weight of the family on their shoulders. We do double duty raising our children, and guiding them to be strong men and women. Dads are fulfilling the roles of mom and dad as well. I know many. They need to be more compassionate, more nurturing and accepting. We have more non-traditional families these days than ever before. So, what does that mean?

The advice that was written to the child in Act of Valor is never more meaningful as it is now. Especially about living your life with a code. Elevate yourself, your choices, your behavior and choices to serve a purpose other than pleasing yourself. Home is revered. The advice to lock your pain in a box? Not great advice. I think you can use your emotions as fuel to accomplish something. Harnessing your emotions is productive. Wallowing in them isn't. "Woe is me" or being a martyr are counter-productive. The most successful and well rounded people don't focus on what they feel or their current circumstances. They keep moving toward the potential they believe they have. It's not that they DON'T feel what everyone else does. They just don't let their emotions determine what they do or why they do it or to let fear rule them. They remain calm. Steady.

Women were the dangerous ones because we could do things that men, no matter how brave or fierce warriors they were or are, could never do. Because of that, men looked at us like we had supernatural powers. (They did not understand us then, they don't now...*chuckle*) Not only do we have the power to create and sustain lives within us, we also raise the warriors and are powerful enough to make them vulnerable even as grown men. Men don't like feeling vulnerable. For some strange reason, they think vulnerability equates to being weak. Being able to give up control, be vulnerable and exposing the weak underbelly to those we love has proven dangerous for some of us.

So, today I choose to remain to be strong. I also choose to throw away that soiled and stained "handkerchief" I happen to have carried for a long time. It has seen a lot of dirt, blood and tears from me. I don't want to tuck it away anymore. I want a fresh handkerchief. Maybe a pack of kleenex that I can throw away when they're soiled. That symbolic act of throwing away your handkerchief means that you don't want to carry the pain around anymore. Today I make myself vulnerable in talking about things we just don't talk about.
My life isn't perfect. It didn't work out the way I hoped. I love my life. As imperfectly perfect as it is...but, it's not the way I imagined it.

I didn't dream of being a single mom raising three kids on my own and struggling to make my business a success. I applaud strong parenting skills. Parents who put aside their wants for what they need to provide their family. Parents who show their children how to live, not just tell them what to do. I haven't always been a model of who my children should be. But, I want to be that great role model and parent for my children more than anything. My short people are my entire world. I constantly wonder if I make the right choices for them, constantly wonder if I'm doing enough to make sure they don't grow up screwed up. Lord knows I've made a million mistakes. I feel guilt that I may have failed them. I will give up anything and everything for them. But, I know they don't want me to. They want me to be happy. They want me to find someone that I love that loves me back. They don't know just how much that terrifies me. I don't want to ever get married again. Not because I don't believe in marriage. I believe in it more than I ever have, regardless of the fact that my own marriage failed. I think I believe in it more BECAUSE my marriage failed. I know what the recipe for success is in marriage now. What I would need to do. How I need to communicate. What I would expect again.

I still never want to get married again. I question my judgement so much because I chose wrong the first time. I admire people who can make it work. I applaud those that have strong marriages and long term relationships. I didn't dream of having so many misgivings about myself as a person, as a business woman, a wife...and definitely not a woman. I wasn't raised to be the person I have been in the past, and am still walking away from and reinventing today. I never wanted to be someone you learn the hard lessons from. I just wanted to grow up, fall in love, get married, become a mother and grow old doing the things I love with people I love surrounded by the blood of my blood.

I'm getting used to being alone. I don't like it. But, I'd rather be happy alone than settling for less than I deserve in a relationship. I finally believe I am worth "all the trouble". I give as much as I hope to get. Which is everything...but even then, the men in my life misunderstand what that is. Because men, as a general rule, tend to want to take care of things, fix things and as much as they hope they are paragons of strength and valor, are as fallible as every other human being is. Bless their poor, misguided hearts.I don't need anyone to take care of me in material ways. I don't want to be taken care of financially. I don't need a man for that. I don't need a man to "fix" things in my life for me. I have learned to do that for myself. And I'm too proud. Men don't know what to do with that...I want to be taken care of in a very different way. I want to feel supported. Loved. Appreciated. I want my loyalty and adoration returned. I don't want to feel alone. No one does. I don't want to feel like loving me is taboo.

I am a strong woman. People tell me I'm courageous. In truth, I'm afraid. Afraid I really am not worthy of being loved. Every time it gets close to me feeling actual deep and abiding love, it scares the shit out of me. I sabotage it or push them away before I really can get hurt. Unhealthy and cowardly, I know...but it goes back to the feeling that I really am not good enough to be with them, smart enough, attractive enough, successful enough, or worthy of being loved in the way every person deserves. I'm working hard on trying to beautify everything in my life, starting with myself. I was a poor reflection of who I thought I should be.

No one, man or woman, necessarily needs to be revered or worshipped. That's unhealthy. But, we do need to be respected. We need to feel connected. We all need to feel loved.

I want people to understand that strong men and women don't need to be feared. Strong men and women are only brave because they do what they have to do in spite of their fear. In many cases, strong men and women need to feel like they don't have to be strong all the time. The right person can do that...without even trying. Make you feel safe. Make you feel taken care of. And it is okay to let your guard down. I've experienced that. Scared the living hell out of me. I think I scared him too. He needs to understand on his own time and in his own way that there isn't anything wrong with him. He's a good man. He is everything a woman could want. He just needs to believe it. I couldn't make him believe I thought that of him. His idea of himself may have matched how I felt about myself. And it's so wrong...so very wrong. There isn't anything wrong with us except we are too hard on ourselves, and we've not always made the best choices in our mates. We're human. We make mistakes.

The life of a warrior is a balancing act. Strength tempered with knowing when it's okay not to be strong. Acceptance-of our strengths and our weaknesses. Control-knowing when to use it and when to give it up. Knowing when to pick your battles. Admitting when you're wrong. Taking responsibility for your actions. Warrior societies lived and worked together, knowing that everyone had a role. No one complained about what they had to do to fulfill their role. They knew what it was and they did it.

Today, we need to realize that those roles may have changed, but the nature of the warrior society still lies within us. We still have roles. We still need each other. To balance, we need more than one person fulfilling all the roles in your family. Warriors work together. Warriors are only dangerous when they need to be. Warriors know when that is. Warriors are fighting for the one thing that means the most to them. Home.

I want to be a warrior...