"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
~Bob Marley~
I haven't blogged in a really long time. I've had too much going on in my life to write. I know I said I wouldn't write about this again. I can't seem to get away from this topic. Its like this nightmare...this lesson that won't go away. A theme, if you will.
I'm sitting here feeling wretched the eve before Valentine's Day with a heart so shattered that it hurts to breathe. I am making a million typos because my vision is blurred from the tears that keep welling up in my eyes. And I'm shaking. Why?
Because I'm stupid and fell in love with someone that is incapable of telling me how he feels. Yeah, yeah...I still say I'm single. But, my heart has been spoken for...
I can see it when he looks at me. I can hear it in his voice when he speaks to me. I can feel it every time he reverently touches my skin. But he can't SAY it. I gave him an ultimatum. He won't fight for me. In fact he seems terrified of even caring for me. So, I said goodbye.
"This" didn't start out as any sort of love affair. Friendship. I wasn't looking for anything. I had been seeing Mister casually. The fellow understood this. One of the first things he told me was that he was too old for me. One of the first things I told him was that I wasn't looking for a relationship or love. Friendship. I dated occasionally.
I was immediately comfortable with him and he with me. He was nervous around me because he thought I was so beautiful and smart and sexy and funny. I'd heard these words before, but it was the first time I felt they were sincere and actually believed them. I thought it was cute I made him nervous. He made me laugh. At his jokes. At myself. I felt safe. Cherished. And like I was the only woman in the world to him. It was impossible NOT to fall for either one of us. But, it scared the living hell out of him. And me.
Why? Because neither one of us had ever felt THIS way before. It was so easy to just love. So easy to talk to one another. Our values were completely aligned. Our lives revolve around family and service. Same interests, work ethic, music, etc. We even have the same sense of humor. We talked to each other about everything. Things in our lives, in our families, work, goals, challenges, music, culture, life, etc.
I was still dating other people. So was he. We weren't exclusive. In fact it was months before it wasn't JUST friendship. But, I think both of us wanted to be exclusive.. He wasn't ready. I wasn't sure. What do you do? We went through a couple of patches where we didn't talk because we were confused or jealous or frustrated. Because we couldn't talk about this THING that was growing. We pretended the friendship and occasional night was okay.
It hit me one day this fall, when I got a call from Mister asking to meet. I couldn't...I didn't want to. All I saw were these eyes in my head, and his funny little smile and told Mister no. I sat down and just shook my head because it was the damndest thing. The VERY thing I didn't want was staring me in the face. His face.
Since then, I had said goodbye to Mister for good. I turned down Mister's proposal. Mister was grasping at straws, doing everything he could think of to keep me. Just for himself. This beautiful, kind and generous man who I've known forever wanted to spend the rest of his life making me blissfully happy. And I turned him down. I told my fellow...he seemed surprised. Its not Mister I want. It was him.
But, perhaps it isn't him. Perhaps it's something I can't describe or even name. Perhaps I don't even know what it is I want except...the kind of love Bob Marley described. In one person.
The passion, desire and possessiveness that Mister so feverishly hopes for, and everything that is my fellow...everything. The comfort, safety, friendship, the respect, the lust, the trust and the ease in all of the above. Maybe he'll decide not to be afraid and give me the rest of whatever he was holding back. And maybe he won't. Maybe he just doesn't want me. Or to go through some of the same things with my children that he did with his. I don't know. The bastard won't talk about it.
One thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt. I'm not imagining this. Jesus. I think I might have gone crazy if I didn't know he felt the same way. I'm shocked how easy it is to love someone so effortlessly...but, I shouldn't be.
I'd like to think that a huge part of me will be stamped indelibly on his heart. With him everything was brighter. Everything was better. I felt unstoppable. So did he. Thinking about him now still makes me feel that...even through the tears. He gave me a great gift. He loved me. Unconditionally. He believed in me. Without reservation. He looked at me...like I was the only person that matters. The only woman in the Universe. He complimented me, as I him...not because we were flattering one another. But, because we genuinely admired one another.
I was honest. I told him what was going on and how I felt throughout. Neither of us meant for anything to change. It just did. This is how I know I'm really not built for casual or attempting to date more than one person at a time. I broke someone's heart, then mine was broken. Karma is real.
I don't know if he can give me more. I can't accept less..
Regardless if the goodbye is a final goodbye or not...
Stamped on our hearts...
I was here.
I belong here.
My heart is like a beautiful house without him. Empty. Silent. Waiting for him to come home...
Bastard.
