"What a weary time those years were -- to have the desire and the need to live but not the ability.”
~Charles Bukowski~
I'm sure there will come a time when I will look back on this part of my life with amazement. One, because I survived it. Two, because I made do with so little. Three, because I was happy during the struggle.
Very little disturbs me to the point of tears anymore aside from the prospect of not being loved. There is so much I've already lived through. Homelessness. Abandonment. Addiction. Abuse. Betrayal. Infidelity. Neglect. And the worst kind of suffering of all. The suffering you bring on yourself. Not being truthful to yourself or others. Remaining complacent or impotent.
Anything else? Remarkably, over time I've learned to handle it pretty well. Except when my body betrays me and hurts. Fibromyalgia was alternately the worst thing that ever happened to me and the best. It made me painfully aware (pun intended) that I was neglecting myself. Overweight. Depressed. Suicidal several times. Unable to break free of the prison of my body. It made me see what needed changing in my life. It would take years for me to have the courage to look my fears in the face and start dealing with my life instead of running away from it.
Why did I get fibromyalgia? I was having some difficulty with stress and sleep and my life. One of my therapists said it was around the same time I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Yep.That surprised me as well. I never imagined a woman like me could get PTSD. Soldiers in conflict get PTSD. Not 5'3", 21 year old, young single mothers. But, that's what I was. A 21 year old single mother in a bad relationship. I had a child that was a year old.
My war, at the time and on occasion now, was knowing I was living a life I didn't belong in. But, at the time I was stuck. Being young and without resources sucks. I spent months of my first pregnancy living in Covenant House and then a home for single, homeless pregnant girls. I was under so much stress, I developed pre-eclampsia and hypertension. My last month was on bed rest. I was induced two weeks early under extreme duress and at danger to myself and my unborn child. This was the beginning of my life in conflict.
Being homeless and living in a shelter is a very lowering experience for someone like me. It was degrading. I swore after that I would never live without resources ever again. It was also terrifying for a girl that grew up in the sedate and kind of safely boring suburbs of Seattle and had very little experience with the harsh realities of life that some people experience from a very early age.
I do not recommend being homeless ever.
But, tragedy of circumstance or trauma alone isn't why I think we get PTSD. I think we get PTSD because our soul and our consciousness cannot reconcile in any way with the reality we are being presented with. It's like a 404 Error. You know, the error message on the internet described by pcsupport.about.com:
"A 404 error is an HTTP status code that means that the page you were trying to reach on a website couldn't be found on their server.
Technically, an Error 404 is a client-side error, implying that the error is your mistake, either because you typed the URL in wrong or the page has been moved or removed from the website and you should have known.
Another possibility is if a website has moved a page or resource but did so without redirecting the old URL to the new one. When that happens, you'll receive a 404 error instead of being automatically routed to the new page."
It's basically saying whatever you're trying to do, it's wrong. We don't know exactly why it's wrong. No one told us if they did something to make things different. Maybe it's something you did. Maybe it's out fault. Maybe it's no one's fault at all. But, it's wrong. Don't try to go there. You don't belong here for some reason. Leave.
Life would be awesome if we had actual 404 Errors for everything. Abusive relationship? 404 Error. Don't go there. Potentially bad decision that will affect your life negatively and the repercussions will be felt for years after? 404 Error. You don't belong here for some reason. People or place that will get you into trouble? Career killing decisions like driving under the influence? Opportunity for infidelity? 404 Error. Leave. It's wrong.
Unfortunately, we don't have 404 Errors. We do have this nifty thing called experience though. And intuition. The thing with experience, is that you don't know if the decisions you make are right until AFTER you make the decision. So, if you make a bunch of bad decisions or you are party to someone else making bad decisions, you kind of develop this intuitive inner 404 Error for yourself. We don't always listen to that message though.
So, regardless of if we want to do better for ourselves and others...regardless if we have become somewhat inspirational to other people, we still know that we have these grievous errors that we have made. We know what our 404 Errors are.
Financial decisions. Relationship decisions. Communication decisions. Employment decisions. Recreational decisions. Dating decisions. A myriad of decisions we have to choose from.
This is where I turn to you and say "We may not always make the right decision, but we can always pray-meditate-focus on asking for the wisdom and guidance to make the right decisions for ourselves and others in our lives that depend on us."
I pray. A lot. It may not change my circumstances. It may not seem to help immediately or ever. But it allows me to calm my soul and give myself a chance to catch up and say "I trust this to something greater than myself because I am flawed and make flawed decisions. I have faith that however this turns out, it will be for the best. I am calm and resolute in this decision." And that's that. If you don't pray? Meditate. Prayer is focused meditation. Affirming the belief you have in a higher power, and that you have will trust the outcome will be for the best. It doesn't always FEEL like the best outcome. But, it generally works out that way.
We always have the ability to live. Life is a choice. Perspective is how you look at the choice. Attitude is how you will handle the choice. Emotions have very little to do with your choice. Emotions may have a role in how you choose, but whatever you choose won't be affected by how you feel about it.
Whatever I'm faced with. Whatever I'm doing or choosing...I know that desire will allow me to find the tools and resources to make things happen if I don't have the ability. Life is exhausting. But, we don't have to be. It's a choice...I choose to pray.
Life would be awesome if we had actual 404 Errors for everything. Abusive relationship? 404 Error. Don't go there. Potentially bad decision that will affect your life negatively and the repercussions will be felt for years after? 404 Error. You don't belong here for some reason. People or place that will get you into trouble? Career killing decisions like driving under the influence? Opportunity for infidelity? 404 Error. Leave. It's wrong.
Unfortunately, we don't have 404 Errors. We do have this nifty thing called experience though. And intuition. The thing with experience, is that you don't know if the decisions you make are right until AFTER you make the decision. So, if you make a bunch of bad decisions or you are party to someone else making bad decisions, you kind of develop this intuitive inner 404 Error for yourself. We don't always listen to that message though.
So, regardless of if we want to do better for ourselves and others...regardless if we have become somewhat inspirational to other people, we still know that we have these grievous errors that we have made. We know what our 404 Errors are.
Financial decisions. Relationship decisions. Communication decisions. Employment decisions. Recreational decisions. Dating decisions. A myriad of decisions we have to choose from.
This is where I turn to you and say "We may not always make the right decision, but we can always pray-meditate-focus on asking for the wisdom and guidance to make the right decisions for ourselves and others in our lives that depend on us."
I pray. A lot. It may not change my circumstances. It may not seem to help immediately or ever. But it allows me to calm my soul and give myself a chance to catch up and say "I trust this to something greater than myself because I am flawed and make flawed decisions. I have faith that however this turns out, it will be for the best. I am calm and resolute in this decision." And that's that. If you don't pray? Meditate. Prayer is focused meditation. Affirming the belief you have in a higher power, and that you have will trust the outcome will be for the best. It doesn't always FEEL like the best outcome. But, it generally works out that way.
We always have the ability to live. Life is a choice. Perspective is how you look at the choice. Attitude is how you will handle the choice. Emotions have very little to do with your choice. Emotions may have a role in how you choose, but whatever you choose won't be affected by how you feel about it.
Whatever I'm faced with. Whatever I'm doing or choosing...I know that desire will allow me to find the tools and resources to make things happen if I don't have the ability. Life is exhausting. But, we don't have to be. It's a choice...I choose to pray.
