I want to be someone's forever...

“I want to try with someone who loves me enough to try with me. I want to grow old looking at the same face every morning. I want to grow old looking at the same face every night at the dinner table. I want to be one of those old couples you see still holding hands and laughing after fifty years of marriage. That's what I want. I want to be someone's forever.”
~Rachel Gibson~

 

 

Doing what I do for a living, I'm allowed a very intimate look into people's lives...people have to trust that I will not harm them. People come to me for help and sometimes they have to tell me things that they don't tell the rest of the world. Much like a confessional, people tell me things as they lie face down on the warmth and safety of my table. Occasionally they're embarrassed or ashamed: about the things they do, what they don't do, how they do or don't take care of themselves and the traumas they've had in mind or body or soul. The stresses of money, or work, or their marriage or their impossible children. I share a little bit of my story too. Pieces of my story allows them to be brave and talk. To trust me. I share. They share. I store the things they tell me away like the secrets they can be, keeping them safe with the myriad of other people's confessions that I harbor quietly. These people trust me. For good reason. Because sometimes when they are able to speak of these things, they can gain peace and stop hurting. I am their vault.

Occasionally, I run into someone that steals a piece of my soul or makes me want to be a better person. The fragments of their story are so touching that knowing that intimate detail of their life makes me blush, not from embarrassment...but because they trust me enough to share it with.

 

I have someone who I work with that is getting on in age. Vibrant, loving and remarkable, this is the kind of woman I would love to be when I get older. Her strength is only matched by her compassion and her beauty. She loves me. I worship her. She's the incarnation of all things good in a body that has experienced everything bad. She never lets on to anyone the kind of life she's had. She's a force of nature. She is the ocean. Beautiful and sparkling on the surface, but runs deep and in her depths there lies a darkness that you can't see that is still and cold. She makes the weather. Her entire being could hold The Universe and I'm in awe of her.

On the rare occasions I get a glimpse of who she really is, I am always brought to tears.

One day, not long ago, she got on my confessional. I could tell it was a big one...I could feel the atmosphere change, storm clouds begin to brew.

"I live with this...I don't tell my children. My husband is not doing so well...he's slipping further away from me."

The racking sobs shook her entire body. The heavens opened up and the downpour began. I could feel the lightning ready to strike. The hairs on my arms stood straight up. I could smell the ozone.

"I thought he was watching tv last night, but he was just sitting there thinking. Quiet. Just thinking. Then he came up behind me and held me. Just held me. And told me he knows he's slipping away."

CRACK! Lightning flew across the sky in an bolt quick and bright. The winds picked up and waves began to crash over the side of my table. I could scarcely retain my footing.

"He said he doesn't want to leave me alone. But, he can feel himself slipping. I don't want him to go. I am not ready to lose him. Not when it took us so long to find each other."

A wave crashed over me. It knocked me flat out. Her tempest blew me over.

She is me. Or who I could be in 30 years. She lived much the same life I did when I was married to The Dreaded Ex. Except hers was worse. And she found love. Very late in life. The real deal..She's madly in love with her husband, and he worships her more than I do. Her beloved knows everything about her life, her experiences and loves her all the more for it. Everything. The beautiful. The painful. The atrocious. He is her rock in life's storms. She can't think of life without him. I don't want to even imagine what it would be like if she lost him. My heart shattered for her.

I clung to her, promising that I would do everything I could to help in any way I could...that what she told me would stay with me and she calmed. She told me more. Unloaded her cargo into my vault. The seas calmed and the sunshine peeked from behind the clouds again. My cargo hold was heavy with her burden.

As I smoothed her wispy hair and held her fragile aging body, I cried. For her, but also for the part of myself that recognizes that what she has with the man of her heart is what I think everyone longs for. And to lose it will be a tragedy of epic proportions. The Universe will be mourn when it happens.

 

But, you can't keep this kind of thing to yourself. It haunts me.

Being divorced after a bad marriage, learning who I am as a woman and attempting to date has been discouraging to say the least. I've met every possible type of man. Good ones. And not so good ones. I've broken hearts and had my heart broken. How she and this man found one another is a miracle. Relationships have changed so much that it's more common to have a pairing of convenience rather than something real. Something lasting. I realize I am not remotely brave enough to be able to put who I am on the table with someone and say "Here. Here I am in my completely broken and messed up glory. I'm insecure, I'm afraid, and I don't want you to hurt me because I'm terrified of being hurt any more than I already have. Love it or leave it." 

 

They'd leave. They always do.

She was and is the bravest person I know. To raise her children after leaving a monster of a father and to finally find a love that is so rare that one believes the only place you can find it is in stories. She's strong. Fighting a battle with a mind that slips away slowly. Painfully. And still carries a smile on her sweet face.

I've been walking through days wondering how to process this.

All I can see in my mind, is her walking off with the love of her life on borrowed time. Their knotted and bent fingers clasped together. Holding onto one another hopefully. With pure, unadulterated love and devotion. My Great-Grandparents had this. My Grandparents had this. My Granny and Poppa had this. My parents have this. If I can't, then by God...I hope they can have my opportunity by proxy.

I can honestly say, I can see my future alone and it doesn't scare me. What scares me is looking to an uncertain future with someone and having to lay it all out on the table like they have. It terrifies me to think I could ever trust someone with my story enough to share my life with them. I don't know that I'll ever find my port in the storm, my rock to cling to. So, I stay at sea...with a full vault of people's secrets and burdens. My heart aches and I quietly wish for the kind of love she has, but to see it...to really see what success in love is, it's paralyzing. I'm too fearful. I still don't think I'm worthy of THAT kind of love. I don't know if I could ever be with someone who knows everything important about me and not be ashamed. I couldn't look in someone's eyes and know that I could trust them with everything important to me. Not again. Not like them...

God, I pray they have years left together. I pray that life is kind to them. I would give up my chance to ever find what they have, just so that they can have it for as long as God will give it to them. Because frankly, I don't believe I'll find it myself. So, damnit...someone should get my time!

I want to be someone's forever. But, since I can't...can't they have mine?

Praying...praying...always praying...

"What a weary time those years were -- to have the desire and the need to live but not the ability.” 

~Charles Bukowski~

I'm sure there will come a time when I will look back on this part of my life with amazement. One, because I survived it. Two, because I made do with so little. Three, because I was happy during the struggle. 

Very little disturbs me to the point of tears anymore aside from the prospect of not being loved. There is so much I've already lived through. Homelessness. Abandonment. Addiction. Abuse. Betrayal. Infidelity. Neglect. And the worst kind of suffering of all. The suffering you bring on yourself. Not being truthful to yourself or others. Remaining complacent or impotent.

Anything else? Remarkably, over time I've learned to handle it pretty well. Except when my body betrays me and hurts. Fibromyalgia was alternately the worst thing that ever happened to me and the best. It made me painfully aware (pun intended) that I was neglecting myself. Overweight. Depressed. Suicidal several times. Unable to break free of the prison of my body. It made me see what needed changing in my life. It would take years for me to have the courage to look my fears in the face and start dealing with my life instead of running away from it.

Why did I get fibromyalgia? I was having some difficulty with stress and sleep and my life. One of my therapists said it was around the same time I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Yep.That surprised me as well. I never imagined a woman like me could get PTSD. Soldiers in  conflict get PTSD. Not 5'3", 21 year old, young single mothers. But, that's what I was. A 21 year old single mother in a bad relationship. I had a child that was a year old.

My war, at the time and on occasion now, was knowing I was living a life I didn't belong in. But, at the time I was stuck. Being young and without resources sucks. I spent months of my first pregnancy living in Covenant House and then a home for single, homeless pregnant girls. I was under so much stress, I developed pre-eclampsia and hypertension. My last month was on bed rest. I was induced two weeks early under extreme duress and at danger to myself and my unborn child. This was the beginning of my life in conflict.

Being homeless and living in a shelter is a very lowering experience for someone like me. It was degrading. I swore after that I would never live without resources ever again. It was also terrifying for a girl that grew up in the sedate and kind of safely boring suburbs of Seattle and had very little experience with the harsh realities of life that some people experience from a very early age. 

I do not recommend being homeless ever.

But, tragedy of circumstance or trauma alone isn't why I think we get PTSD. I think we get PTSD because our soul and our consciousness cannot reconcile in any way with the reality we are being presented with. It's like a 404  Error. You know, the error message on the internet described by pcsupport.about.com:

"A 404 error is an HTTP status code that means that the page you were trying to reach on a website couldn't be found on their server.

Technically, an Error 404 is a client-side error, implying that the error is your mistake, either because you typed the URL in wrong or the page has been moved or removed from the website and you should have known.

Another possibility is if a website has moved a page or resource but did so without redirecting the old URL to the new one. When that happens, you'll receive a 404 error instead of being automatically routed to the new page."

It's basically saying whatever you're trying to do, it's wrong. We don't know exactly why it's wrong. No one told us if they did something to make things different. Maybe it's something you did. Maybe it's out fault. Maybe it's no one's fault at all. But, it's wrong. Don't try to go there. You don't belong here for some reason. Leave.

Life would be awesome if we had actual 404 Errors for everything. Abusive relationship? 404 Error. Don't go there. Potentially bad decision that will affect your life negatively and the repercussions will be felt for years after? 404 Error. You don't belong here for some reason. People or place that will get you into trouble? Career killing decisions like driving under the influence? Opportunity for infidelity? 404 Error. Leave. It's wrong.

Unfortunately, we don't have 404 Errors. We do have this nifty thing called experience though. And intuition. The thing with experience, is that you don't know if the decisions you make are right until AFTER you make the decision. So, if you make a bunch of bad decisions or you are party to someone else making bad decisions, you kind of develop this intuitive inner 404 Error for yourself. We don't always listen to that message though.

So, regardless of if we want to do better for ourselves and others...regardless if we have become somewhat inspirational to other people, we still know that we have these grievous errors that we have made. We know what our 404 Errors are.

Financial decisions. Relationship decisions. Communication decisions. Employment decisions. Recreational decisions. Dating decisions. A myriad of decisions we have to choose from.

This is where I turn to you and say "We may not always make the right decision, but we can always pray-meditate-focus on asking for the wisdom and guidance to make the right decisions for ourselves and others in our lives that depend on us."

I pray. A lot. It may not change my circumstances. It may not seem to help immediately or ever. But it allows me to calm my soul and give myself a chance to catch up and say "I trust this to something greater than myself because I am flawed and make flawed decisions. I have faith that however this turns out, it will be for the best. I am calm and resolute in this decision." And that's that. If you don't pray? Meditate. Prayer is focused meditation. Affirming the belief you have in a higher power, and that you have will trust the outcome will be for the best. It doesn't always FEEL like the best outcome. But, it generally works out that way.

We always have the ability to live. Life is a choice. Perspective is how you look at the choice. Attitude is how you will handle the choice. Emotions have very little to do with your choice. Emotions may have a role in how you choose, but whatever you choose won't be affected by how you feel about it.

Whatever I'm faced with. Whatever I'm doing or choosing...I know that desire will allow me to find the tools and resources to make things happen if I don't have the ability. Life is exhausting. But, we don't have to be. It's a choice...I choose to pray.

Accepting Grace

“Be like the sun for grace and mercy. Be like the night to cover others' faults. Be like running water for generosity. Be like death for rage and anger. Be like the Earth for modesty. Appear as you are. Be as you appear.”
― Rumi

I used to ask questions of God and the Universe all the time. Constantly wondering what purpose all this pain we felt as human beings served. We come into the world squalling and vulnerable, overwhelmed by pain, unexpected feeling and emotion and so much stimulation, it is a shock to our systems after floating in the quiet, protected safety and darkness of our mother's womb. Our entire lives we are lulled into the belief that what shocks us upon entrance into this lifetime is to be expected...it's the norm. The noise. The chaos. The crowded existence that is us.

There was a time when I stopped asking questions. When my consciousness was so complacent I didn't care. I didn't feel. I didn't want. Didn't know I could want anything different. Used to the pain. Feelings dulled by a constant barrage of hurtful words and not enough time. It came to a screeching halt when my marriage ended. 

Once again, my world was rent open and I came squalling back into the world. Overwhelmed and vulnerable. Feeling pain like I had never experienced it. Shocked by this "new" existence. And this was supposed to be my "new normal".

Struggle and pain are great educators. They teach you what you don't want in your life-what you don't want to go through, and what you refuse to accept. They teach you how to survive. They teach you to become more efficient, more specific and careful. And struggle and pain teach you how to avoid more of the same. You experience enough struggle and pain, you become really honest about it too. If you're like me, you share it.

So, one of the things I understand about myself and people like me is that there are those of us who experience a lot of pain have several outcomes. We can allow ourselves to be defeated and succumb to suffering and pain. Some of those that succumb can become depressed, drink to excess, do drugs, develop eating disorders, and what have you all in the effort to inure yourself to the pain. Some of us become numb. Emotionless. Uncaring. "Blank". I've had both of those reactions...The third thing that happens to those that experience a lot of pain and struggle is interesting. For some of us, pain and struggle impels us to rise above and become something we didn't know we could. It impels us to be more. Be better. And we conquer the pain and struggle with grace.

I've often wondered about grace. True Grace. Divine Grace. I know I've been touched by it, because I couldn't have made it through my personal hell without it. But, what IS it?

Merriam Webster defines grace as:

grace

grās/

noun

noun: grace; noun: grace period; plural noun: grace periods; noun: His Grace; noun: Her Grace; noun: Your Grace; adjective: His

    1.simple elegance or refinement of movement.

    "she moved through the water with effortless grace"

    synonyms:      elegance, poise, gracefulness, finesse; More

    suppleness, agility, nimbleness, light-footedness

    "the grace of a ballerina"

    antonyms:      inelegance, stiffness

        courteous goodwill.

        "at least he has the grace to admit his debt to her"

        synonyms:  courtesy, decency, (good) manners, politeness, decorum, respect, tact More

        "he at least had the grace to look sheepish"

        antonyms:  effrontery

        an attractively polite manner of behaving.

        plural noun: graces

        "she has all the social graces"'

I was never the most physically graceful girl. In fact, my mother used to tease me that she should have named me Grace just so I could have some. I'm not nimble footed, I'm not agile. But, people like me do have poise and elegance. I had an aunt that described my bearing as regal...regardless if I'm in rags and I'm humbled by circumstance, I hold my head high. The women in my family taught me well this lesson. "You never bow your head in defeat. Raise your head high like the standards we give you."

There's a lot more to the definition. 

    2.

    (in Christian belief) the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.

        a divinely given talent or blessing.

        plural noun: graces

        "the graces of the Holy Spirit"

        the condition or fact of being favored by someone.

        "he fell from grace because of drug use at the Olympics"

        synonyms:  favor, approval, approbation, acceptance, esteem, regard, respect; More

        goodwill

        "she fell from grace"

        favor, goodwill, generosity, kindness, indulgence;

        formal benefaction

        "he lived there by grace of the king"

        antonyms:  disfavor

To be truly educated by struggle and pain, you must understand that you must work through the struggle and pain, be uncomfortable with it and to have faith that you will be delivered of your pain and struggle to receive grace.  In Ephesians 2:8-9 8: For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of your selves: it is the gift of God: 9: Not of works, lest any man should boast.

 

    3.

    a period officially allowed for payment of a sum due or for compliance with a law or condition, especially an extended period granted as a special favor.

    "another three days' grace"

    synonyms:      deferment, deferral, postponement, suspension, adjournment, delay, pause; More

    respite, stay, moratorium, reprieve

    "they have five days' grace to decide"

    4.

    a short prayer of thanks said before or after a meal.

    "before dinner the Reverend Newman said grace"

    synonyms:      blessing, prayer of thanks, thanksgiving, benediction More

    "who would like to say this evening's grace?"

    5.

    used as forms of description or address for a duke, duchess, or archbishop.

    "His Grace, the Duke of Atholl"

I love the word benediction in this part of the definition. An invocation. A short prayer. A blessing. Grace needs these to work in your life. You must ask for divine intervention, put yourself at the mercy of your higher power. Not seeking the end to a means, but for the best possible outcome for you. You are not asking for specifics. To be delivered of pain and struggle means that you will receive this gift...this understanding that there is something bigger than us, greater than us...leading us to favor. You can think of your pain and struggle as payment for receiving this favor. Praying, or meditation, is a huge part of this.

verb

verb: grace; 3rd person present: graces; past tense: graced; past participle: graced; gerund or present participle: gracing

    1.

    do honor or credit to (someone or something) by one's presence.

    "she bowed out from the sport she has graced for two decades"

    synonyms:      dignify, distinguish, honor, favor; More

    enhance, ennoble, glorify, elevate, aggrandize, upgrade

    "the occasion was graced by the president"

        (of a person or thing) be an attractive presence in or on; adorn.

        "Ms. Pasco has graced the front pages of magazines like Elle and Vogue"

        synonyms:  adorn, embellish, decorate, ornament, enhance; More

Receiving grace into our lives allows us to be dignified and to have us elevated past our struggles and pain. For we will have truly been honored to receive it. 

Every time I accept the things in my life-difficult or favored, I know a lot of how I accept things determines how these things will affect me in my daily life. How you accept things determines your attitude. 

My pilot friends understand attitude a little differently than most people do. Attitude flying is all about your relationship to the horizon and how you deal with pressure and control as life throws you around a bit like turbulence does a plane. Pilots say that the primary rule of attitude flying is:

ATTITUDE + POWER = PERFORMANCE

Take into account your position now. See where you need to be. Make the necessary adjustments as you go. Keep yourself parallel to the ground. Follow the horizon. Combined, those give you the performance you need to stay your course. No matter the weather, or turbulence. 

 ATTITUDE + POWER = PERFORMANCE

The primary rule of attitude flying is:  ATTITUDE + POWER = PERFORMANCE - See more at: http://www.aboutflight.com/airplane-flying-handbook/ch03-basic-flight-maneuvers/attitude-flying#sthash.AQskAJKT.dpuf

The primary rule of attitude flying is:  ATTITUDE + POWER = PERFORMANCE - See more at: http://www.aboutflight.com/airplane-flying-handbook/ch03-basic-flight-maneuvers/attitude-flying#sthash.AQskAJKT.dpuf

The primary rule of attitude flying is:  ATTITUDE + POWER = PERFORMANCE - See more at: http://www.aboutflight.com/airplane-flying-handbook/ch03-basic-flight-maneuvers/attitude-flying#sthash.AQskAJKT.dpuft

“I do not understand the mystery of grace -- only that it meets us where we are and does not leave us where it found us.”
― Anne Lamott

The greatest lesson about grace in dealing with struggle and pain is that I shouldn't try to dissect why I experience pain and struggle too much. Sometimes there is a reason, sometimes not. There are times that situations may be out of my control and there isn't anything I can do to change what's going on. I just have to ride it out, have faith, continue to pray and stay my course with my head held high and my eyes on the horizon. I don't have to understand it. The pain and struggle sometimes doesn't have any meaning other than perhaps I need to be more cognizant of my choices.

I do know that without grace, I wouldn't have made it this far. I am grateful for everything that comes into my life...good and not so good...because it all adds up inside me, defines who I am, and shapes how I handle things in my life. Grace helps to give me perspective. It helps to give me balance. So, I can eventually find the favor. The gift. Every day IS a gift. There is a reason it's called "the present"...

Ultimate Purpose and Conversations with Momma

“To awaken each morning with a smile brightening my face; to greet the day with reverence for the opportunities it contains; to approach my work with a clean mind; to hold ever before me, even in the doing of little things, the Ultimate Purpose toward which I am working; to meet men and women with laughter on my lips and love in my heart; to be gentle, kind, and courteous through all the hours; to approach the night with weariness that ever woos sleep and the joy that comes from work well done -- this is how I desire to waste wisely my days.”
 

~Thomas Dekker~

There are very few things in life that bring you sublime joy and bliss. When you find something that makes you glow in the dark happy, want to be constantly strive to be better and to give of yourself freely, clutch that to yourself and hang onto it tight.

I have daily conversations with my Momma. I see people look at me funny when I tell them that I talk to my Momma every day. I know they're just wondering "What new thing can you possibly talk about every day?"

Life. Family. Love. Loss. Struggle. Failure. Success. Work. Play. Culture. Tradition. Stories. Baseball. Football. Food. You name it, we talk about it.

Every day?!?

Yes. Every. Day.

Today we talked about several things. My work was the first. She always asks a lot of questions about what I do. She hears the love I have for my work, the excitement when I learn or do something new, and the reverence I have for the people who chose me, who teach me and who want me to go farther than they ever have or will, and the gratitude I have to be able to help people. It's humbling and gratifying and the most fulfilling thing I have experienced aside from being a mother. It's life's work. It's a labor of love...

I told her I always felt like I disappointed my family because other than my massage credentials I didn't have a degree. Her words:

"You know what I see when I look at my children? What makes me proudest? You're all happy in your lives. It doesn't matter to me that you don't have a piece of paper that tells the world that you did something. It matters to me that you love what you do, the people who are in your life and that you are happy. That's it. You're soooo lucky that you have work that fulfills you. People go their entire lifetimes without ever experiencing that satisfaction. You KNOW what that satisfaction feels like. You are very rich that way! I feel like all my children have something in their lives that they do with great love. With you it's your job and your children. You love both equally. You're very good at being a mother. And you're very good at your work."

I may be around the corner from 40, but I still need my Momma's reassurance and acceptance. A child always needs their mother. They're the foundation of their lives. The bedrock upon which they build their self-esteem, their confidence and their abilities.

One of the things I had been focusing on a lot in my life is to completely embrace my roles. It helps me to be confident in myself. It reassures me. I've been having a lot of epiphanies about who I am, and more importantly who I want to continue to become...to guide my evolution into the womanhood I deserve. Yes, I believe I deserve a great deal. So should you. And accept that you deserve great things. Damn skippy!

Now, work wasn't the only thing I spoke of with Momma. We talked about my Granny, because today is the 21st anniversary of my Granny's death when she succumbed to cancer. I miss my grandmother so very much. I wished for a long time that we had more time with her and that she could have taught me more. I was floored when I realized it was 21 years that she's been gone. It passed in the blink of an eye...that scared me. Because I don't want to lose the next 21 years like the past 21. I missed out a lot on life and I don't intend to miss out on anything anymore.

Motherhood. Life's work. Ultimate purpose. It all boils down to love. We do these things, the important things and menial things, but we don't think about their meaning or that we should do these things with love. I mean, how much meaning and importance can you find in doing dishes or scubbing out toilets? Cleaning up day in and day out the same messes? Deal with crazy schedules and constant "work"? Why should I approach the tasks I used to abhor with the same attitude that I approach the things I love? Because they are both valuable. Especially when you're doing them for people that mean the world to you. Thus, the acceptance of the importance of roles. (More on that in a bit)

¹² Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, ¹³ for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.
¹⁴ Do everything without grumbling or arguing, ¹⁵ so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.”^[a] Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky ¹⁶ as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain.

~Philippians 2:12-16~

 I love this line: "...for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose."  People who know me well, know I'm not religious by any means. But, I am spiritual. I believe very much in God, a Higher Power, The Creator, a Master of the Universe...I also believe that I have a purpose on this earth, and it's my job to find that purpose and live it.

My belief that everything I do has a purpose gives me the impetus to do everything I do with joy and enthusiasm. Even washing dishes and scrubbing out the toilet. And especially if what I'm doing may scare the shit out of me. Conquering our fears is the way we grow and learn what we are capable of. My favorite times are after I conquer something I wasn't sure I could do.

Conscientiously choosing to do everything without complaint is a very powerful decision. When you complain, you give energy to the negative. It drains you. It suppresses your immune system (really, there is scientific evidence that a negative attitude does this). It also feeds your fear. You don't need that.

As far as roles go? My acceptance of roles has a lot to do with my current understanding who I am as an indigenous person. Men and women have some pretty clear roles in my culture. They don't complain about what they have to do. They just do it. Men travel to hunt, work, provide. Women stay home more often than not. Raise the children. Provide the foundation for the family. And they work their asses off. It's not that women work harder than men. It's that they have different kinds of work. How best to explain this...?

A friend and I were talking about traditional roles and how her grandfather explained men and women to her. He called her this nickname that she didn't understand and was kind of resentful about.

"Why do you call me that?"

"Let me tell you a story...God created man from woman. She was made of his rib. And because he was made of this part of his chest, she took most of his heart. He gave her most of his heart because she carries everyone. She carries her husband. She carries her children. She carries the traditions. She is the heart of the family. She's the stabilizer. She's the earth for the family. Because she has more of the heart, she has the capacity to hurt more, to feel more deeply, she's more protective and has the capacity to cry for the things that hurt her family. She is the very core of the family. And the strongest members in our communities."

Women today, Native or non, tend to look at the work that women have done traditionally as subservient and lowly. It's not true. Men and women just have different roles. They are equally important. As a woman who fought so long for my own independence, it's kind of ironic that I had finally come to this acceptance of the very thing I was taught to believe. I embrace my role. Wholeheartedly. I don't expect fanfare, I don't want acknowledgement for doing the necessary things that I have to do because I love my family. The work I do isn't a sacrifice for me. It's an honor to be needed so deeply, so vitally. It fulfills me. I have a feeling I'd feel the same had I found the right partner and made a life with him. So long as he had the same value.

“Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can.” ~Dalai Lama XIV~

My Ultimate Purpose is the same good mothers have the world over. To take care of my loved ones. To do everything I do for them with the intention I will do my best. And to do things for the benefit of people other than myself. Selfless? Hell no. I'm just a mother. I'm just a woman. And I want to make the best of my life I possibly can. Take every opportunity to do something good. Enjoy my family. Develop my skills. Treat the people in my circle with respect and consideration. My Ultimate Purpose is to BE love. I want the next 21 years to be memorable because I don't want to waste a second on things that don't bring me joy. I embrace my fears regarding love, because truly love has never hurt me. Fear of love has. Absence of love has. Avoidance of love definitely has. I refuse because I need to love to be happy. To have a purpose. And to fulfill my life's work. If I find things along the way I didn't anticipate or expect? All the better! Bring it on!

The Dalai Lama also asks people the question  "What prevents you from living the way you want to live your life?”

What's your excuse?

I Was Here

 

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”

 ~Bob Marley~

I haven't blogged in a really long time. I've had too much going on in my life to write. I know I said I wouldn't write about this again. I can't seem to get away from this topic. Its like this nightmare...this lesson that won't go away. A theme, if you will.

I'm sitting here feeling wretched the eve before Valentine's Day with a heart so shattered that it hurts to breathe. I am making a million typos because my vision is blurred from the tears that keep welling up in my eyes. And I'm shaking. Why?

Because I'm stupid and fell in love with someone that is incapable of telling me how he feels. Yeah, yeah...I still say I'm single. But, my heart has been spoken for...

I can see it when he looks at me. I can hear it in his voice when he speaks to me. I can feel it every time he reverently touches my skin. But he can't SAY it. I gave him an ultimatum. He won't fight for me. In fact he seems terrified of even caring for me. So, I said goodbye.

"This" didn't start out as any sort of love affair. Friendship. I wasn't looking for anything. I had been seeing Mister casually. The fellow understood this. One of the first things he told me was that he was too old for me. One of the first things I told him was that I wasn't looking for a relationship or love. Friendship. I dated occasionally.

I was immediately comfortable with him and he with me. He was nervous around me because he thought I was so beautiful and smart and sexy and funny. I'd heard these words before, but it was the first time I felt they were sincere and actually believed them. I thought it was cute I made him nervous. He made me laugh. At his jokes. At myself. I felt safe. Cherished. And like I was the only woman in the world to him. It was impossible NOT to fall for either one of us. But, it scared the living hell out of him. And me.

Why? Because neither one of us had ever felt THIS way before. It was so easy to just love. So easy to talk to one another. Our values were completely aligned. Our lives revolve around family and service. Same interests, work ethic, music, etc. We even have the same sense of humor. We talked to each other about everything. Things in our lives, in our families, work, goals, challenges, music, culture, life, etc.

I was still dating other people. So was he. We weren't exclusive. In fact it was months before it wasn't JUST friendship. But, I think both of us wanted to be exclusive.. He wasn't ready. I wasn't sure. What do you do? We went through a couple of patches where we didn't talk because we were confused or jealous or frustrated. Because we couldn't talk about this THING that was growing. We pretended the friendship and occasional night was okay.

It hit me one day this fall, when I got a call from Mister asking to meet. I couldn't...I didn't want to. All I saw were these eyes in my head, and his funny little smile and told Mister no. I sat down and just shook my head because it was the damndest thing. The VERY thing I didn't want was staring me in the face. His face.

Since then, I had said goodbye to Mister for good. I turned down Mister's proposal. Mister was grasping at straws, doing everything he could think of to keep me. Just for himself. This beautiful, kind and generous man who I've known forever wanted to spend the rest of his life making me blissfully happy. And I turned him down. I told my fellow...he seemed surprised. Its not Mister I want. It was him.

But, perhaps it isn't him. Perhaps it's something I can't describe or even name. Perhaps I don't even know what it is I want except...the kind of love Bob Marley described. In one person.

The passion, desire and possessiveness that Mister so feverishly hopes for, and everything that is my fellow...everything. The comfort, safety, friendship, the respect, the lust, the trust and the ease in all of the above. Maybe he'll decide not to be afraid and give me the rest of whatever he was holding back. And maybe he won't. Maybe he just doesn't want me. Or to go through some of the same things with my children that he did with his. I don't know. The bastard won't talk about it.

One thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt. I'm not imagining this. Jesus. I think I might have gone crazy if I didn't know he felt the same way. I'm shocked how easy it is to love someone so effortlessly...but, I shouldn't be.

I'd like to think that a huge part of me will be stamped indelibly on his heart. With him everything was brighter. Everything was better. I felt unstoppable. So did he. Thinking about him now still makes me feel that...even through the tears. He gave me a great gift. He loved me. Unconditionally. He believed in me. Without reservation. He looked at me...like I was the only person that matters. The only woman in the Universe. He complimented me, as I him...not because we were flattering one another. But, because we genuinely admired one another.

I was honest. I told him what was going on and how I felt throughout. Neither of us meant for anything to change. It just did. This is how I know I'm really not built for casual or attempting to date more than one person at a time. I broke someone's heart, then mine was broken. Karma is real.

I don't know if he can give me more. I can't accept less..

Regardless if the goodbye is a final goodbye or not...

Stamped on our hearts...

I was here.

I belong here.



My heart is like a beautiful house without him. Empty. Silent. Waiting for him to come home...

Bastard.