Misguided Mid-Night Musings of a Melancholy Mother

"This is how you lose her. 

You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely. 

You must remember when she forgets.

You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention. 

She remembers when you forget. 

You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good. 

You must learn her. 

You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to. 

You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept. 

And, this is how you keep her."    ~Author Unknown~

I'm notorious for being wide awake when I have no desire or need to be. Why? Hell if I know. It's always been this way. What do I do when I'm sleepless in a quiet house at some ungodly hour? If I'm not able to sleep, I'm researching, reading or just fiddling around on the computer.

Tonight I was reading stuff, much as I often do. I blame the candy I had earlier. I don't eat candy often. But what did I do tonight? Had THREE pieces of this otherworldly confection my favorite client gave me that should, by all rights, be illegal .And it led me to have eyes that won't shut and energy that would make the Energizer Bunny envious.What did I happen to find on my internet search tonight? That massive quote.

It made me cry.

I know, I know...it's sappy. Considering how I've felt about relationships in general, it's no wonder I'm surprised I cried reading it. It's a quote. But, it makes sense. I'm trying very hard to remain cynical about relationships after everything I've been through and everyone I have met. Actually, I've been re-evaluating my stance on them lately. I've realized something.

Relationships aren't something you have a cookie cutter for. There is no magic recipe for the perfect relationship. I'd like to give a swift kick in the ass to every asshole storybook maker and fairy tale writer and every Disney storyline creator for giving anyone the idea that we can have a storybook romance. We can't. The ideal we have as little girls for what we should expect out of them is not realistic. Relationships are hard. Very, very hard. Why? Because we people are fucking idiots about them most of the time.

 So, I thought about what a happy little princess I am romantically. (sarcasm...get some) What do I do that makes my unique shade of dysfunction worth someone's time?

• I push people away when I think they're going to get too close or they are going to hurt me.
• I hurt them first if I think they're going to hurt me (thank you Dreaded Ex for making me believe it's normal for people to hurt one another. Purposefully.).
• I have a hard time believing someone would want to get saddled with my particular brand of dysfunction.
• I have an even harder time believing someone would love the body I have disliked for so long (body image issues, big shocker).
• I can be selfish.
• I have twinges of jealousy I didn't know I had.
• I don't want to be possessed, but I want you to feel possessive.
• I want sex. Even when you don't.
• I get a little hard to live with when I'm hormonal.
• I expect a lot out of someone. I have high standards. 
• I want to be adored. Completely. Spoil me. Shower me with affection. Treat me like the Queen I am.

Just to make things interesting, I think we all should come with these disclaimers.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Oh. Here's my card."

Trading dating cards. It's gonna catch on.

I can see the CAREER HIGHLIGHTS of some:

• Commitment issues 
• Insecure around prettier women
• Jealous of your job
• Obsessive

Ha! Wouldn't that be something? I don't need a trading card. I just need to give my guys a fair shot.

And, per some good friends advice, I'm going to give the men in my life the opportunity not to screw up, but the chance to do right. I know a couple really want the opportunity to do so.