Lost

 Losing Myself  by Jacky Gerritson

“When it's time to confess, you don't know what you're saying. Are you telling the truth, or do you confuse your lies with reality? The question is comical. The answer is lost in the maelstroms of consciousness. It's even impossible to pretend, eventually, that the question wasn't asked. You've been kidding yourself about yourself for so long, you're someone else. Your you is just a fragile fabrication. Every morning, you have to wake up, assemble this busy, dissembling monster, and get him or her on his or her feet again for another round of fantasy.”
~David Guterson~

Today I feel that my life has completely crashed down around me. Not because of anything except myself. I've looked at people and love my whole life and been awed. Impressed. And envious. I just want to be like everyone else. I have wanted to find love with someone my whole life. I haven't found this to be possible.

I love too hard. Too deeply. It causes me problems. It blinds me to the person I love-regardless of their character defects or shortcomings. And makes me gloss over mine. And when it doesn't work, it destroys me.

Right now I'm trying to recover from destruction. I was failing miserably until I had some stark realizations.

I realize after looking at each of my relationships, I realize it's me. I'm the problem. Yes, I know part of my problem is that I haven't always chosen well. I was with and married to an alcoholic, emotionally abusive sociopathic narcissist for close to twenty years. That didn't end well... I got involved with a few purposefully unobtainable men since then. I chose them because they were unobtainable or would remain unavailable to me. I chose men who I wouldn't see regularly. And could stay removed from. I have a million rules that we have to follow in relation to keeping my children uninvolved and separate from my love life. Another way of "protection"...When things get too close, I would break things off. Partially because of the havoc the "delightful" man I married wreaked on my consciousness, but partially because I'm the problem. 

I want to love so much, yet I'm afraid. Terrified. Not that I won't find the love of my life. But that I will. And with all my insecurities, all my character defects and the belief inside my head that I'm not worthy of finding love that lasts will be null and void.

I'm terrified that regardless of how much I love others, that the one person I love won't be capable of loving me how I need to be loved.They'll fall too hard. It'll be tragic. Just like all the rest of the relationships...

So, I ruin it. I run. I break it off. Or I push them to break away. Especially if they are dangerous to my emotional survival.

The break up I had recently wasn't what destroyed me. Although I do love and admire The Man. The realization that I wasn't equipped to just simply love is what's screwing me up.

Not only am I too cerebral and live in my head, over-analyzing everything...I'm too sensitive. Too feeling.

How?

If you're in love with someone, you understand how wonderful it feels to be completely enveloped in how you feel when you're with them. If you are in a deeply committed romantic relationship with someone, making love to them can be a truly magical experience. There are times you can be completely out of your head and swimming in sensation. Not to think. Not to wonder. But to feel just how good it feels to bask in their love and share this incredible gift...

Now, imagine a very sensitive empath in love with someone. And making love to someone they really love. Not only are they experiencing all the "feels" of being cherished in the most primal and intimate way two romantic partners can be, but they sometimes can feel the "feels" of their partner. You want to talk about a mind-blowing experience...

Now, imagine further, this empath is constantly drawing people to them with their "shiny-happy-light" (Read one of the many articles on how empaths tend to attract narcissists like this...). It's very attractive, this light...So much so that even their same-sex straight friends question their "attraction" to them not knowing it's just their energy. Imagine being involved in a sexual relationship with someone like this. Who can feel all the things that make you feel good and do things like they can read your mind. It can drive even the most sane person crazy (and heighten narcissistic tendencies) because it's not like anything you've ever experienced before. You get jealous. Irrationally. Because that's "your" shiny-happy-light. You don't want anyone to have it. Or to experience how you make them feel. You want to isolate it. Keep it for yourself, not knowing the light itself cannot be contained. And the loyalty of your girl is unshakable.

Your partners will use words and phrases like "obsessed", "I literally can't stop thinking about you...", and when things begin getting overheated or they can't stand being without you, will use words like "succubus", "witch" or try to comprehend what exactly it is about you that they are so obsessed about. Sure, you're attractive and intelligent and quite a catch. But, you're kind of average in lots of ways. The sex is ridiculous, but you think you're pretty average...nothing special. Lots of "hotter" women. Women who accomplished more. Women who make you look like a schlub.

So, when things start going south, this empath can feel it. The lies. The conflicted feelings. But also the confused love. The torment. The anguish. And the pain. The empath sometimes can't tell what feelings are necessarily theirs because they are so intimately connected to this love interest. And that may drive the empath a little crazy because all they want to do is love you and rub their shiny-happy-light and love all over you...but they push you away too. Just like you need to push this person away.

So, the dilemma lies here...a shiny-hapy-glowing empath falling for a narcissist. An emotional vampire.

"In an empath’s eyes, all they searched and looked for was someone to take care of and love and to ultimately fix.” That is where the trouble began and that is the most profound part of this that an empath must realise.

We are not here to fix anyone. We cannot fix anyone. Everyone is responsible for and capable of fixing themselves, but only if they so choose to."

So, that's why I'm kind of destroyed. I have to find myself again. Restore my energy and protect myself. And know that the feelings I have been having aren't necessarily mine. Being so tied to a person leaves residual traces of their energy with you. In you. When you're so connected to someone, you can still have vestiges of the close link tied to how they feel. It can affect you. Terribly. The sleeplessness. The uncharacteristic feelings or ways of coping. The anguish. The anger. And if it's a narcissist? You have to dump the toxicity out of your system.

I was trying to rebuild my consciousness without this person in my life without first cutting the invisible threads that bind us. I will do that. For me. For him. And hope he isn't damaged even more than he was when I found him. I have full confidence that he will find love and end up married to a wonderful girl. That's usually what happens after falling in love with me. You find a nice normal girl who isn't quite so sensitive or such a mind-reader and live happily ever after. If we manage to end up staying friends, you tell me how beneficial loving me was for you. And that you think of me still. I always wish them happiness and love and have good feelings about them. From far away.

One of my best friends asked me if I had ever considered walking into love. No falling. Although falling is part of the thrill, walking into love with someone who knows I'm fallible and human and makes tons of mistakes makes more sense. Someone who knows I have some very unusual gifts. And hopefully, knowing me so well will allow them to understand to tell me to back off when I need it, care for me in ways I tend to ignore for myself, but more than that...to rub their own shiny-happy-normalizing-light all over me.

I don't want to lose myself anymore. I want to be found. Intact. And lit up like a glow-stick. Glow in the dark happy. Like I'm used to being...

Until then, to any whom may still have ties to me...

I let you go now.

I release all connections to you in all directions of time.
I forgive you for any pain that you have caused, conscious or unconscious.
I let that go now.
I forgive myself for any wrongdoings I may have done, conscious or unconscious.
I let that go now.
I feel gratitude for what I have learned through this relationship, and I open myself to understanding why this has manifested in my life.
I allow wisdom and light to fill any empty spaces that are left within me as I let go. 

And so it is...

“It is one thing to lose people you love. It is another to lose yourself. That is a greater loss.”
~Donna Goddard~

 

Always left behind...

"When it's gone, you'll know what a gift love was. You'll suffer like this. So go back and fight to keep it.

~Ian McEwan~

It's so ridiculous to find love so unexpected...that showed you a way to be that you never had before...only to negate it away with a lie...

I don't want to fight for it anymore. He should fight for me. He won't.

Love isn't for me.

I say that with certainty. Why? Every single man I've been involved in a relationship with has gotten married, had babies and found happiness RIGHT AFTER we break things off.

My boyfriend and I just went through the ending of our relationship. I'm devastated...

The last time I was with him, I woke up from a nightmare ABOUT him lying right next to him. In my dream, I'm with The Man. It was a really steamy dream. We were making love. Then I realize it's not my man I'm with. I get up and am leaving when I see The Man on the street. He's getting into his truck. I attempt to run to him but am stopped by an invisible wall. I'm pounding on the wall and screaming for him. He doesn't see or hear me. The person who LOOKS like my man stands behind me while I'm losing energy and pounding on the wall halfheartedly with tears streaming down my face. He leans in close to my ear and very quietly and deliberately says "He'll never be able to see or hear who you are and what you need. He's blind to you..."

I woke up and told The Man. Tears in my eyes and a catch in my throat.

He didn't say anything.

I was ready to change my life to be with him. I told him that. And I wanted confirmation I was doing the right thing.

"I'm not in love with you. We should go our separate ways."

Those six words killed me. Slayed me. Destroyed me.

He had a horriffic car accident a few months ago. His accident changed him. He began to distance himself from everyone. Including me. I felt him slipping away. Becoming quiet which is so unlike his boisterous, happy self. He was severely depressed. Maybe he still is. He's still got a long way to go with recovery. And he feels like he should be doing it alone. Stoically. Bravely.  Stupidly.

I want to throttle his ass.

I told him I knew what he was doing. Protecting himself in the impenetrable fortress of his moody soul. He hates being vulnerable. He hates needing anyone. I've seen him cry. He denied it.

I'm head over heels in love with his stupid ass. Completely bonkers.

Why? Because when he isn't being stupid or withdrawn, stoic and brave, he's the most gracious and kind man. Biggest heart. Sweetest and funniest soul. And he needs me like I need him. I can sense it in the way he clings to me when we make love. When we sleep. When he doesn't know I'm watching. And sometimes when he doesn't realize he's let me into the fortress of solitude.

"I'm not in love with you", my ass...

I call him on it. Love doesn't happen in a vacuum. I'm not alone in this bullshit.

I hope he's as miserable as I am right now. Would serve him right...