Mine.

Someone put
You on a slave block
And the unreal bought
You

Now I keep coming to your owner
Saying,

‘This one is mine.’

You often overhear us talking
And this can make your heart leap
With excitement.

Don’t worry,
I will not let sadness
Possess you.

 I will gladly borrow all the gold
I need

To get you
Back.

~Hafiz~

What is it exactly about hindsight that makes you see so clearly something that you missed while embroiled in the thick of it?

Some say we can never go back to Love that we lost. I say we never really lost it. It just gets waylaid somewhere along the way. Ambition. Careers. Drive. Dreams. Ego. Stubbornness. Hurt. And the Granddaddy of all relationship killers...timing.

Occasionally we get an opportunity to revisit Old Love. Sometimes it's accidental. Sometimes intentional.

The thing that I find is most interesting is that revisiting Old Love is like putting on your favorite old clothes. Old love fits well. It's comfortable. You know how it feels. And you know where you can stretch it and where you need to be careful so you don't tear the fabric. You know where all the worn spots are and how thin they may be. You don't have to impress Old Love because Old Love knows you just as well as you know Old Love. Old Love is the messy bun and sweatpants you wear on weekends.

Unfortunately, Old love is just that. It's old. There's a reason it didn't work out.

Sometimes we just need to feel. Something. Anything. And finding comfort in a compassionate face and a familiar heart isn't so bad. Just make sure you are seeking solace in Old Love for the right reason.

Inevitably, Old Love finds me. Frequently it takes many years of meandering through time and space before Old Love turns up. Like a bad penny. Old Love is always there...

Anyone who has experienced Old Love turning up knows Old Love's phrases well. 

"Losing you was the worst mistake of my life."

"I've missed what we had."

And my favorite...

"I've never stopped loving you."

 Don't get me wrong...Old Love is beautiful. You can look at Old Love through the mist and romantic fog of memories and it's all soft and hazy. Old Love can be warm and cozy. Old Love knows how you love your coffee, that you love to read ancient poetry on rainy days in wool socks, you cry during movies. Old Love knows what spot on your neck to kiss to make you melt, walking through a forest of trees make you happy and that your favorite flowers are peonies. Old Love tells you they think about you when they hear certain songs or read Thoreau. Old Love is familiar. Old Love is nostalgia and comfort and beautiful green eyes flecked with gold...

And Old Love left you.

Not because you weren't enough for them. Because you were too much. Were too passionate. Too driven. Too focused on career and family and life to pay enough attention to them. Old Love wounded you because they were afraid. They felt too deeply. Were too enamored of you. Old Love loved you too much.

So, when they call...you're not surprised. Old Love knows you are a forgiving and accepting person. They know you will actually talk to them and that you don't hate them. Old Love will flatter you with gifts and platitudes and flowers because they want you to make them feel as good as you always have. They bask in your presence. And have that softness in their voice when they say your name. Reverently. Like a prayer.

You know Old Love isn't really in love with you...Old Love needs your support. Because you're good at that.

The problem with this scenario is that you know it's short lived. Old Love doesn't change. No matter how well intentioned he is. You still are too much. Too passionate. Too driven. Too focused. And have too much energy for them to handle. You're overpowering...

No matter how much Old Love tells Unreal ‘This one is mine.’, you never will belong to anyone. You cannot be possessed by anyone. Not even sadness. All the gold in the world will never buy you back from Unreal...

Your heart and soul is a well. Your spirit runs deep.

There are different wells within your heart.
Some fill with each good rain,
Others are far too deep for that.

In one well
You have just a few precious cups of water,
That “love” is literally something of yourself,
It can grow as slow as a diamond
If it is lost.

Your love
Should never be offered to the mouth of a
Stranger,
Only to someone
Who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket
To protect you.

There are different wells within us.
Some fill with each good rain,
Others are far, far too deep
For that.

~Hafiz~

Kiss Old Love on the cheek and nestle in the arms to give your dear Old Love some comfort. Let them bask in your sun for a little while. They just miss your warmth. Old Love would never cut off pieces of their soul to comfort you...they just aren't built that way. You are. You're as deep as the earth and your soul is as vast as the Universe. Rains never reach some of our wells...some wells will always remain dry.

Tuck Old Love away with worn pictures faded with the patina of age and wrap them carefully so Old Love will not be damaged. Because Old Love is beautiful. Necessary. And in your past. You will not belong to Old Love. They belong to you. 

You know.

"Old Love is mine..."

Holding Space For You

"Years had passed, and they had both suffered and celebrated and changed from the people they’d once been, but in each other’s arms they would always be home"

~Jessie Evans~

I am often reminded that the greatest influence we have in this life is the relationships we build with one another.

So many times we take for granted the lives we touch and the relationships we build until we don't have them anymore. In many instances we can't help but feel that we could have done more for someone. Helped them more. Supported them more. Forgiven their frailty. And forgiven our own in dealing with them. Loved them more. There's a lot of "if only I had..." feelings. There is expectation in loving and caring for someone. If not by them, then by you. We feel responsibility for one another.

The important thing I have to remember in life, work, family and love is that I can only control what I do, think and feel. I cannot control the reciprocity that someone may...or may not...feel towards me in loving and caring for them. I cannot control their decisions as relates to me.

Sometimes the expectations we have with one another are unrealistic or unreasonable. Sometimes they are dangerous or unhealthy. Sometimes no matter the depth of our love and care, it'll never be good enough to meet their expectations. Sometimes their response (or lack thereof) may not be good enough for us.

So, we should learn to hold space for one another.

Holding space seems like this difficult process. This unattainable ability because by nature, as human beings, we put expectations on our relationships...whatever they may be.

But holding space is about meeting someone where they are and supporting them as they make their journey. Make their decisions and feel what they need to get from point A to point B. It's not about fixing them, influencing the outcome of their decisions or judging them. It's about being available for them in a compassionate way without expectation of reciprocity or wanting them to please us. It's not about us at all.

Being present. Connecting to their heart and energy in an objective way so they can traverse life knowing they are supported and loved. They can make the journey knowing you have their back. Whatever the outcome.

In all relationships, this ability is necessary. Especially as parents, lovers, partners and friends.

Why the hell is it so hard?

Because we are fallible. Because we want to "help", "fix" or make easier the journey for those who touch our hearts. We have ego. We have a difficult time separating what we want and need from what others want and need. We can be incredibly selfish.

It may seem easy to see the necessary steps one may take to travel in life. We ask "Why can't they see what they're doing?" It's obvious to us. But, it's a process only they can go through. At their own pace. In their own time and way.

Fear plays a big role in some relationships. With ourselves. With each other. When we love someone, we want to protect them from being hurt. We want to protect them from ugliness or unnecessary pain.

We can't insulate them or ourselves from experience. We can't. It doesn't teach them or us a damn thing. Some of our greatest teaching moments come out of hurt.

I fight this all the time. By nature, I want to protect people. My loved ones-family, friends, significant others, patients. And myself. Not allowing yourself or others to feel discomfort, hurt or pain is to prevent them (and you) from growth.

After talking with trusted family members, numerous friends and significant others...I know this is my greatest strength and biggest fault. I protect at all costs. The greatest cost is to myself.

There is a thing as protecting too much. Insulating yourself and others from living in all its unsplendored glory. 

I work on my own. That's the hardest.

I'm actively working on not pushing people away so I don't feel vulnerable. So I won't get hurt like I have in the past. It's the most difficult work I've ever had to do. Especially in personal relationships. I've gotten better at voicing my frustrations so I don't feel hurt. I need to work on hearing and not hurting people. 

Experience has taught me that to trust someone with my heart leaves me hurt. It opens up the very real possibility that they can let me down. That I won't be good enough for them to stick around. Or to use my love as a weapon. Instead of realizing that not everyone does that, I protect myself from realizing great love with someone else.

That's not healthy.

So, now. I work on holding space. For others. But most importantly for myself.

We all want to experience being loved. In the way we need. Some of us need a little help and the space to experience love that doesn't hurt. We need to learn to forgive ourselves for our perceived shortcomings and understand that sometimes we are fine just as we are. We can learn to celebrate the person we are becoming without detracting from the journey we have taken from the person we have been.

Make yourself comfortable in the home inside yourself so you can welcome others into your home. We are all fixer-uppers. There is no shame in that.

Hold space for me. I'll do the same.

I want to come home.

Devote yourself

“I saw wild, dangerous beauty. I saw devotion. I saw you.” 

~Nalini Singh~

The most beautiful people tend to have stories that are unbelievable. Not the physically beautiful people that are envied because they look good. But, those who have experienced tragedy and loneliness and trauma and still mold a remarkable life out of the ashes of their history.

I am constantly humbled to experience a life of beauty. In the people I meet, get to know, learn from, and even the ones I raise.

People misunderstand that to have a beautiful life you don't need to have everything go your way. That life is easy. That you get everything you want. To have a beautiful life means you find the sacred in the ordinary and you are devoted to finding balance and composition in chaos.

My inspiration for my beautiful life comes from my ancestors, my family, my work, and even in myself.

Someone not long ago said that I had it easy. They see my joy in living. They see the love and devotion I lavish on my family, friends and patients. They see my happiness and assumed that because I have these things, do these things and am the person I am that my life must be charmed.

My story is like many. I've experienced my fair share of pain. I've experienced more than my share of failure. I've experienced more than my share of darkness, heartbreak, tragedy and loss. I've seen atrocities that others haven't, and the miracles in others that few have been blessed to experience. Those experiences have shaped my perspective and my dedication to create a life that I can be proud of. A life filled with indescribable depth of emotion and love.

That's not to say any of this can be easy. In fact it's not. It's inordinately difficult. It's lonely. It's filled with tears. And it's filled with challenges. But, it's also filled with gratitude, loyalty, love and respect.

The one thing that carries me through all this is knowing full well that all this is a gift to me. I am present and aware of the grace in my life. The challenges are an honor to work through, on my behalf or for others. The path I walk is made less lonely because there are people that walk the path with me, behind me and those that have walked in front of me.

Our lives are sacred. Unique. Blessed. We have been put upon this earth to enrich the lives of others with our lessons and our hearts. It's only how we choose to walk our paths that enable us to create the life we want.

The further I get along with life, the more I understand this and other truths. One of the greatest gifts I have been given is to share what I learn, know and experience with others. My life is a testament to faith. To dedication to living my values. And the devotion I have to my Creator, my family and to those I serve.

Never would I have thought that the isolation or loneliness in my heart or mind that I felt would allow me a window to see the beauty in my own life and life in general. I get completely emotional when I think about how many times I wanted to give up, break down or to just stop...trying, extending my faith or living. To stop believing in the goodness of man. To stop believing in the goodness of myself. To stop being devoted to finding the miracles of our very human existence.

Twenty years. Fifteen years. Ten years. In those increments of time past, I never would have imagined that my life would be where it is today. I'm so glad I could look into myself and believe that life gets better. That I would get better. That it wasn't always going to be so hard.

I look to you and say, as I said to myself those many years ago, I see you. We are wild of heart and dangerous in our capabilities. We have the power to choose. What we believe. What we experience. Our expectations. And the life we live. I see you. You have power. You are love, incarnate. You are your own Creator.

In old age, I want to look back upon my life and smile. I want to leave my space in the world more than how I found it to be. I want to leave it better. I want to leave a legacy of love. Of encouragement. Of remarkable faith. Of courage. That we have the power to make this lifetime the most important for us and for those lives we touch. We have the shadows of our ancestors living inside us. In our spirit. In our hearts and minds. In every action we do.

Take my hand. Talk with me. Walk with me. Love me.

I see you. You wild and glorious spirit. You miracle of humanity. You timeless wonder.

You have my devotion. I see your potential. And I see all this reflected from my eyes to yours.

Let us walk together. Transformed. Together.

I see you.

You are beautiful like me.

Walking in Beauty: Closing Prayer from the Navajo Way Blessing Ceremony

In beauty I walk
With beauty before me I walk
With beauty behind me I walk
With beauty above me I walk
With beauty around me I walk
It has become beauty again

Hózhóogo naasháa doo
Shitsijí’ hózhóogo naasháa doo
Shikéédéé hózhóogo naasháa doo
Shideigi hózhóogo naasháa doo
T’áá altso shinaagóó hózhóogo naasháa doo
Hózhó náhásdlíí’
Hózhó náhásdlíí’
Hózhó náhásdlíí’
Hózhó náhásdlíí’

Today I will walk out, today everything negative will leave me
I will be as I was before, I will have a cool breeze over my body.
I will have a light body, I will be happy forever, nothing will hinder me.
I walk with beauty before me. I walk with beauty behind me.
I walk with beauty below me. I walk with beauty above me.
I walk with beauty around me. My words will be beautiful.
In beauty all day long may I walk.
Through the returning seasons, may I walk.
On the trail marked with pollen may I walk.
With dew about my feet, may I walk.
With beauty before me may I walk.
With beauty behind me may I walk.
With beauty below me may I walk.
With beauty above me may I walk.
With beauty all around me may I walk.
In old age wandering on a trail of beauty, lively, may I walk.
In old age wandering on a trail of beauty, living again, may I walk.
My words will be beautiful…

Chomolungma: Mother God

"Evenings were peaceful, smoke settling in the quiet air to soften the dusk, lights twinkling on the ridge we would camp on tomorrow, clouds dimming the outline of our pass for the day after. Growing excitement lured my thoughts again and again to the West Ridge….

There was loneliness, too, as the sun set, but only rarely now did doubts return. Then I felt sinkingly as if my whole life lay behind me. Once on the mountain I knew (or trusted) that this would give way to total absorption with the task at hand. But at times I wondered if I had not come a long way only to find what I really sought was something I had left behind.” 

~Thomas F. Hornbein~

Tibetian or Nepalese Sherpas call Everest, Chomolungma. It means "Mother God". The mountain, like Alaska's Denali, is a holy place for the "locals". It should be. The mountain has claimed lives and reminded us mere mortals who really is in control. It certainly isn't us. It's no wonder the people of the Himalayas call Everest "Mother God". 

Hearing an interview with a sherpa about what is better-to have a strong mind or a strong body to ascend the mountain, he said "You must have both. Strong mind and weak body, you can't do anything. Strong body and weak mind, you can't do anything. To get to Heaven you need both." I am always reminded, and I spend my days reminding people, that we must have balance in our lives so that we may get places, climb the mountains of our soul and overcome the things that keep us from achieving our own personal summits.

I'm guilty of often overworking myself. I definitely justify it by saying there's only one of me and I have a lot to accomplish. There are cultures, including Western culture, that praise work-a-holism. The Japanese have a word, Karōshi, that means "work death". Western corporate culture would just call it dedicated...or stupid.  It makes it difficult to have a strong mind when your body is being pushed to it's limits. And vice versa.

So, one of the reasons I moved to a smaller community and accepted the position I did was that I wanted to work on my work-life balance. I was regularly pulling up to 60 hour work weeks. That's a lot for anyone. Especially single mothers with no co-parenting partner. I craved slowing down in an area that was picturesque and close to nature so I could rest and spend time with my children, do all the things I never had enough time for while I continued to "scale my mountain".  I wanted to make sure my mind and body were strong and balanced.

No one told me slowing down would afford me ample time to reflect on all the things I may have missed as I was ascending my own personal Everest in life's work. I still have a ways to climb to feel like I've made a difference in what I do, so I know there will be a little more work and loneliness ahead of me. I'm fine with that. I know where I go on my journey is not entirely up to me. I have a team of people at work that helps keep me on track, as well as friends who encourage, challenge, guide me and keep me company. That's not the most difficult part.

The time I have the hardest with is when there is no one. Late at night. Or when my children are otherwise engaged. When I slow down enough to "sit on my summit after climbing purposefully" to realize that no one else is sitting here but me. That's when I wonder if all this climbing won't take a toll on my physical or mental health. Having too much focus can be a detriment. You have to rest to be able to make it to the top. That's why the various camps on ascents are so important. You have time to rest and time to acclimate to the new altitude.

Hearing climbers talk about ascents, you learn they have to listen to their bodies, their intuition, work together with their team and defer to forces greater than themselves to survive. They rely on experts who know better than they to keep them safe. It doesn't matter their position or class wherever "back home" is. They're not the boss here...You HAVE to rest. You HAVE to be patient. You have to be ready for anything. Or sometimes nothing.

Literally being on top of the world must be a lonely, life changing experience. One that takes your entire focus away from ego and makes you focus on listening to your body and your guides to survive. Knowing when it's safe to go on. Knowing when you should stay put. And company to help keep you alive while you're in a storm or on a precarious ledge. Focus is necessary for everything we do. Focusing too much on what you're doing and you miss the vantage point you've ascended to or the people who keep you company. You miss the beauty around you, behind you and within you. Why climb if you can't enjoy the view?

I know what I seek isn't behind me, but is in front of me. I know I won't miss my view because I have people with me. Working with me. Cheering me on. Keeping me feeling like I'm not doing this alone. None of us have to get through this alone. A bit of loneliness sometimes means we understand that sometimes we take our journeys solo for a little bit. But, we can't make it to the top without help. That's the thing. We can only ascend our summits by climbing together. Clipped in. In a line. Purposefully putting one foot in front of the other so we can make it together. We can't make it to the top without being mentally and physically strong. We have to take time to rest our weary bodies and quiet our minds.

I'll save a seat for you. I'll be waiting here on my summit. Sitting in the soft light, looking at the timeless stars winking their approval down on me while I wait. Looking out at the breathtaking beauty below me, behind me and within my soul. I'll wait so we can touch Heaven together, blessed by forces older than time as we sit on the pinnacle. Totally absorbed in achieving the ascent together so we can work our way back down to earth.