Post Traumatic Growth ~ Choose Positive Change

“Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such” ~ Henry Miller ~

My daughter and I have some pretty deep conversations these days. For someone that is on the brink of her teenagehood, she's such an astute human being. I am in awe of her understanding of our situation. She watches me, mostly silently as I work ridiculous hours, sacrifice my time and personal life, and give everything I can to be successful for them...my short people...my children.

My daughter frequently makes the observation that she thinks I work too hard for what I get. It is a lesson I can give her that sometimes it takes a lot of work at the outset to be able to get what you want in the end.

I mean, really...who wants to give up their weekend to work instead of rest and relax like the rest of the known universe? I wish I could just take a weekend off and spend time doing things that I'd like to do, but work I must, so work it is. 

I fervently hope that the things my children see that I'm doing are those things that inspire them instead of frustrate them. They know I work too much. They know that having two jobs is something that I don't always appreciate. They know I get grouchy when I come home after a ten hour day working on my feet and the dishes aren't done. Or they left a mess in the living room. But necessity is not always a kind mistress. Necessity will have you do things you not only don't want to do, but don't seem plausible insofar as expending the kind of energy, time or ability that you don't think is humanly possible. Working on private clients after working a full day working at a provider's office isn't my idea of a good time. I wish I had more time to spend with my family. I wish I could enjoy some rest and relaxation with my friends. I wish I could have the luxury of enjoying myself reading an actual book instead of a textbook or researching businesses or schools. But that isn't my reality right now, nor will it be my reality for some time to come.

There is nothing good that will come out of lamenting the life I don't have. Better relationships with my family, friends and potential loved ones will come. I have to believe that. But, the idea that I hold onto is that I have worked my ass off to get to this place of normalcy, this predictable and very...boring (for lack of a better word) life where my children can have a sense of security and feel like they know what to expect. Professionally, people know what sort of therapist I am, respect my work and appreciate what I can do for them. 

I would rather this life of constant work than the helplessness I felt before. To have a life that is mine, working too hard at times, deciding what I can and can't do...rather than have a life that is plotted out for me with no hope of ever changing.

I maintain that I am severely damaged. I have survived a life that has not always been an easy or happy one. I lived with mental illness for a while (depression) after being in a hopeless marriage for far too long with no dreams or aspirations of ever being more than what I was. Which wasn't much. I was emotionally unprepared to become single. I was mentally unprepared to tackle a life that was solely my responsibility. 

How did I do it? I had to. I didn't understand anything more than: by some odd twist of fate, The Universe, my inner will, and God gave me the grace through which I could handle every single challenge that came my way. I look back at my life just two years ago, in awe and wonder that I didn't just survive through it...I thrived.

I recently heard a term that I have fallen in love with on a TedTalk by Jane McGonigal on The Game That Can Give You Ten Extra Years of Life. Post-traumatic growth.

What was the gist of what Jane said? Directly from the transcript, here is what she said: 

Some people get stronger and happier after a traumatic event...We usually hear about post-traumatic stress disorder. But scientists now know that a traumatic event doesn't doom us to suffer indefinitely. Instead, we can use it as a springboard to unleash our best qualities and lead happier lives.
Here are the top five things that people with post-traumatic growth say:

• My priorities have changed. I'm not afraid to do what makes me happy. 
• I feel closer to my friends and family.
• I understand myself better. I know who I really am now. 
• I have a new sense of meaning and purpose in my life.
• I'm better able to focus on my goals and dreams.

...It seems that somehow, a traumatic event can unlock our ability to lead a life with fewer regrets. 

The Post Traumatic Growth Research Center at UNC Charlotte's Department of Psychology defines it as:

Positive change experienced as a result of the struggle with a major life crisis or a traumatic event. Although we coined the term post-traumatic growth, the idea that human beings can be changed by their encounters with life challenges, sometimes in radically positive ways, is not new. The theme is present in ancient spiritual and religious traditions, literature, and philosophy.

They go on to say that post-traumatic growth can occur in five different areas:

• Sometimes people who must face major life crises develop a sense that new opportunities have emerged from the struggle, opening up possibilities that were not present before.
• A second area is a change in relationships with others. Some people experience closer relationships with some specific people, and they can also experience an increased sense of connection to others who suffer. 
• A third area of possible change is an increased sense of one’s own strength – “if I lived through that, I can face anything”.
• A fourth aspect of posttraumatic growth experienced by some people is a greater appreciation for life in general. 
• The fifth area involves the spiritual or religious domain. Some individuals experience a deepening of their spiritual lives, however, this deepening can also involve a significant change in one’s belief system

Cowardice is something I don't have the luxury to experience. I refuse to run away from my problems. I refuse to lower myself to blaming other people for my circumstances, or blaming someone for choices I freely made. I can apologize for my bad decisions, for hurting people I have hurt, and move on from there. I will continue to be the best mother and therapist I possibly can, given my circumstances. 

We can be victims of our circumstances, or we can choose to be victors. I could be feeling sorry for myself, regretting the life I don't have and be depressed that my life didn't turn out the way I imagined it to be. I choose to be a victor. Always. I choose living my life on my own terms. I choose to have no regrets, only opportunities to build my life upon. I choose happiness. I choose love. I choose to help those who also suffer, as much as I can help. Whether that be just listening to them, being there to support them emotionally, or just being their friend. I can do that. I owe that to others, because what I've faced in my own life. And my firm belief in the good of people. That belief and that ability needs to be shared. Strength grows when it's shared and it perpetuates itself.

"With realization of one's own potential and self-confidence in one's ability, one can build a better world." ~Dalai Lama~

I may not understand how important just being me may be to someone else. I don't believe people understand their own personal power. But I maintain this.

I will make a difference. So can you. Grow out of your pain, grow out of your hurt, and grow out of your mindset that you have the life that you have and don't have choices in your own destiny. Cultivate your self confidence, cultivate your passion, nourish your love, and change the world around you by doing the one thing you can.

Grow.

Compass Needles and the Innocent Erotic Poet

“She was at that crucial age when a women begins to regret having stayed faithful to a husband she never really loved, when the glowing sunset colors of her beauty offer her one last, urgent choice between maternal and feminine love. At such a moment a life that seemed to have chosen its course long ago is questioned once again, for the last time the magic compass needle of the will hovers between final resignation and the hope of erotic experience.” ~Stefan Zweig~

When you're a young, married twenty-something woman, and your life stretches out before you, it doesn't dawn on you that you may become single later. That the life you chose won't be yours anymore. That the person you think you'll share the rest of your life with was the wrong person in so many ways...

I wasn't always the best wife. I admit that. But, he wasn't the best husband. That's no excuse. I had every opportunity to leave and find something better when I was much younger. I should have. I resented my husband for leaving me alone all the time, always putting me on the very back burner to simmer in my own reservations about our relationship. I didn't like him as a person. That should have been my first clue. I ended our union with absolutely no respect for him. He hurt me in ways that no husband should ever hurt a wife. The constant infidelity. The daily belittling remarks. Blaming me for his every failure and sabotaging my dawning successes. The absolute control with which he ran my life. The humiliations, some public...mostly private. The drinking. The disappearing acts. And for not supporting me in such ways a husband should. Emotionally. Mentally. 

Some of that I could say is my fault. In how I chose to behave toward him. But he also chose how to behave toward me. So, I can't take all the blame. I will say that the longer we were married the easier it became not to care. The longer we were married, it became easier to stray farther away from who I really was and lower myself to his level. I drank more. I stopped caring about my appearance. I did things I wasn't proud of. It also became easier to forget my own needs, wants or desires. Most mothers will tell you that they put their own needs last. But I got so bad that I forgot what it is I actually liked. I couldn't even make a meal without asking him if that's what HE wanted. I was constantly afraid of his displeasure. I spent my life walking on eggshells. Pathetic.

At the dawn of my 39th birthday, after approximately three years of being alone without a husband and raising three children on my own, I have found myself coming to some conclusions about myself, my own eroticism, romantic love and how the choices that I make now are not determined by my heart, but my head. I've thought long and hard about it. It's been on my mind a lot, as you can tell by my blog posts. For me, it's all about family. My short people. Love I have. Romance? Not so much. Romantic love? I give up.

I've determined that this will be the last post I make about this particular subject. 

Why? Because it's counterproductive to think about something I have no hope of actually understanding, accepting or finding for myself. I know I'll get a lot of flack for saying so, and people will encourage me not to give up hope, that I really can find it, that I've got too much love to share not to share it with someone. But I really don't want to try. I have no confidence that I will find what I need in any man. I also believe I'm far too much myself for any one to handle.

I remember during the divorce, I created a list for myself of the things I would accept and not accept in my life, and I remember creating a list of those things I would accept in a potential partner. I've found a lot of those things in different men I've become involved with, but there is always something...unavailability being the largest one. Apparently, I'm not the only one who has had bad experiences with previous partners. And I'm not the only one who has obligations to others or self, and reservations about finding a romantic and spiritual match for ourselves.

Men don't typically like strong women. That's not true. Some men really do. But I'm not just strong. I can be intimidating. Obstinate. Immovable.  As a friend of mine has carefully and lovingly described my attitude toward relationships and men, I have no gray areas. It's clearly black and white for me. That's hard for men to swallow. I have a lot of expectations, and a lot of rules since I've been a single mom. Those are hard too.

I'll never subject my children to anyone that I don't feel is the most conscientious person, one who firmly who lives by values and morals about family that I share. Someone who will respect my need to provide my children with the best upbringing I possibly can for them. Someone they can respect, count on and love as well. Someone they see that respects me. All of me. Someone that I can respect and care for.

As far as the finding an "erotic experience" I am so over that. The things that I found in myself again after the Dreaded Ex and I split, are the things that people are drawn to. The positivity, the good nature, my natural exuberance and affectionate nature. I tease, good naturedly. And as the Dreaded Ex so aptly described me in a moment of clarity, I can be walking sensuality...*chuckle* ME. Walking sensuality. It's laughable because I don't think of myself that way. But he may have had something there...

If I wanted to have an "erotic" experience...one that borders on romantic, and just have it be physical, I could. Easily. I just don't want to. I'm not built for casual, "disposable relationships". I am tired of being looked at as an object by men. Powerful. Intoxicating. Addicting. An object of obsession. Those are descriptions I've heard about myself over the past few years. Me... I'm still laughing! Bless their sweet infatuated selves...

I can't say that my experiences haven't been good for me. It was amusing to be thought of as someone to be desired. For someone like me, who has never had any illusions about who I was and wasn't, I always thought that I was just a plain, ordinary girl. Just like everyone else, wanting to be loved and accepted. Quirks, control issues, freakiness and all.

Eroticism is something that doesn't have to be shameful.We are all erotic creatures. Like the photos I allowed myself to sit for. They were beautifully done, tasteful. Classic. Never in a million years would I have thought that I could do that. Never would I have thought that I would look at my battle scarred body and see beauty in all the imperfections, the stretch marks, the breasts that nourished three children, the softness that I've acquired by living as the most innocently erotic of all figures. The mother.

“Eroticism is first and foremost a thirst for otherness. And the supernatural is the supreme otherness. This is perhaps the most noble aim of poetry, to attach ourselves to the world around us, to turn desire into love, to embrace, finally what always evades us, what is beyond, but what is always there – the unspoken, the spirit, the soul.” ~Octavio Paz~

Ironically, the key to my own happiness has lived in myself. In my acceptance of myself. Wholly. Good and not so good. To share my joy, my love of life, my love and loyalty of family. To share the gifts I have without qualm, without condition. To share my experiences. Good and not so good. I've heard from quite a few people that the things I write about and share help people. That's nice to hear. My confusion, my epiphanies, my heartache and heartbreak. They're not unique to me. That's very comforting.

The erotic experiences I'll have will have to be on the more sensual side. The things I'll allow myself will be more of the mind and spirit; and less of the heart. What do I mean? Fall in love with life. My passions. My work. And possibly myself. 

Therein lies my true erotic nature. Embracing everything about me that makes me a sensual, spiritual being. Loving of everyone, doing what I do best-making others feel good about themselves. Entertaining the ideas and things that make me happiest. Because all I've ever hoped for was a modicum of happiness and peace with who I am. That's the thing that's evaded me my whole life. My aim is to be free. Unencumbered of guilt and shame. Removing of sin from my being. And putting no conditions on the love I have. 

The Truth About Monsters in the Closet

“How would your life be different if…You approached all relationships with authenticity and honesty? Let today be the day…You dedicate yourself to building relationships on the solid foundation of truth and authenticity.” ~Steve Maraboli~

Everyone has falsehoods in their relationships. Everyone. Anyone that says they don't is a liar. 

The small white lies about you being a better person than you really are. The white lies you tell your children about who you are as a parent. The white lies you tell the family and friends who care for you in how you REALLY feel or are doing. The lies you even tell yourself about what you have in your life and that everything is okay.

The most important relationship to have be the most authentic in your life is the one you have with yourself. Going on 39 years of trying to figure out my own relationship with myself has taken its toll on me. I'm tired of it. Tired of trying to make excuses, make exceptions. Especially for myself. Trying to justify my actions and decisions because I am afraid to let things be really seen as I feel or how things are. That stretches back to when I was a little girl. My whole life feels like it's been this way.

"Suck it up cupcake. There are people that have it a lot worse than you. You should be taking this a lot easier. You can handle it."

I hear that lovely bit of self-talk frequently in my head. Sometimes I want to just be able to feel like it's okay for me to feel like shit about who I am and the decisions I make. Let me wallow in the emotional quicksand that is my psyche, because some days I just don't want to pretend I'm fine. Everything is alright. Things will get better because it doesn't always feel that way. When is it okay to feel that way? Anyone that knows me, knows that the answer is never.

I haven't always had an authentic relationship with myself. My biggest lies to myself and to others is that I'm fine. I'm okay. I can handle this. I'm doing well on my own. That things that the people who love you don't bother you. That things you do...or don't do...for yourself are acceptable. That I feel like I wasted a good portion of my life in making bad decisions. That I'm not really such a great mother, daughter, friend or loved one. That I really like who I am. That's the one that gets me all the time...I don't always like myself.

My relationships with other people are ones that I tend to keep the most on the surface, because if I begin to start dealing with how I really feel about other people and definitely how I feel about myself, I can easily break down into this whimpering, insecure and dissatisfied hollow shadow of myself. 

People that know me, even those that know me well, don't know a lot about who I really am or what goes on inside my head or heart. 

The feelings of indecision. The feelings of helplessness. With my own situation. With theirs. The feeling that I can't help enough. The feeling that I don't know what the hell I'm doing in MY life, let alone helping them figure out theirs. It's easy to see why I tend to keep so busy. I'm overwhelmed. Exhausted-physically AND emotionally. It's easier NOT to have time to delve into what's wrong with me than face it and be caught up with answers I don't really want to have.

What kind of answers am I afraid of? 

Yes, you aren't always a good mother, daughter, friend, and you would make a terrible girlfriend/significant other/wife. Your skills and ego are over-inflated to protect how little you really are, how little you really know, how little you really feel. You allow yourself to be objectified by men and are dissatisfied that no one really "gets you" because they aren't allowed to be close enough TO you to see you're as fallible and human as everyone else is. Don't even think that you'd allow anyone to take care of you. God forbid you depend on anyone else, because everyone you depend on walks away or abandons you. No one wants you. Really. You're not worth being loved by anyone. You're loneliness is YOUR fault. You'll never be anything more than just someone people think is pretty and toys with. You're a fraud.

That negative self talk is a lot like monsters in the closet you had when you were a kid. You swear they're real, they're there...but when you look, the closet is just filled with ordinary stuff. Nothing scary at all. It's not real. 

I never say these things out loud because I know I'd get my ass reamed out and handed back to me on a platter.  I never say these things because I don't want to admit I'm weak. Or that I hurt. Or I am afraid. Or that I'm vulnerable as hell. Or any myriad of reasons that people would try to discredit immediately.

"I'm so proud of you. You're strong. You're beautiful. You're an amazing person. You're a great mother. You can handle anything. You can DO anything. You have so much dedication. You're a great mother, daughter, and you'd make someone a fantastic wife. You're so smart, so compassionate, so giving, so loving, so blah-blah-blah."

It's not that I don't think people are genuine when I hear these things being said to me. It's that I don't always feel them about myself. We all know how that feels. We all experience it.



So, here's me being completely truthful about me.

I'm tired of having to live up to expectations about being strong all the time. No one can be. That's physically impossible.

I'd love for someone to take care of ME for a change. I know that's not going to happen, because my role is always care-giver, not care-taker. I am mostly okay with that. 

I am secure about my role as a mother, daughter, and family member. I'll do just about anything for my family. Even allow them to hurt my feelings, take advantage of my kindness, and to put up with just about any amount of bullshit in how I am treated, or ignored. They're my family. They're the most important things in my life. Even if I'm not the most important thing in theirs. I forgive. Constantly. I don't want to feel like I have a lot to forgive, but I'm sure I do too.

I am insecure as hell about any role where I would allow anyone outside of family get close to me. I honestly don't believe I'll ever find the person or people who may change my opinion on relationships between men and women, but I find wonderful things in the people who have been in my life and are in my life today. Each has taught me a lot. I grow. I change. My compassion for people grows with each experience. But, I know that I choose those that are unavailable in some way-distance, age, or circumstance purposefully. Sounds messed up. But it's how I know I can control my relationships. I'm actually afraid that there IS someone for me. Because I would not know how to handle it.

Yes, I've been hurt more than a few times. Who hasn't? But, I still believe in the good of people. I still believe that people have good intentions. I don't understand how people can willfully hurt another person, because it kills me to hurt another human being. 

I still wonder about why my ex was so hurtful. I actually do want him to be happy. I pray every day that he finds peace for himself and for the sake of our children. I still don't like him. I have a hard time believing I loved him, but there was a time I did. Or think I did. I feel sorry for him. 

I'm not a perfect parent. I let a lot of things slide these days, but I do my best. It's not always good enough. I know that. I worry about my children constantly. That's why I have so many damn rules for myself. Because I don't want them to be as screwed up as I am, and I definitely don't want anyone else I may bring in my life screwing them up either.

My coping mechanisms are not always healthy or what a lot of people I know would agree with or understand. That's okay. I don't expect anyone to understand why I need to do what I need to do. There are people in my life that allow me to do what I need to do, no questions asked. No expectations. I appreciate the hell out of that.

I am the keeper of many secrets. I'm a vault. People sometimes need to talk. I listen. People need to feel like they're not as fucked up as they think they are. They aren't. I'm fine with being that person to talk to. People just want the same thing the world over. To be accepted. To feel affection. To feel like someone else cares. To feel like they're not freaks. They're not. Their perception of what other people think is the thing that's messed up.

I don't like what I look like. I don't think I'm as attractive as what most people think. I am always wondering what the hell people see when they look at me.  I don't like getting older. I don't like my body.

I don't like being such a perfectionist and hard on myself, because it deters me from allowing things to be out of my control around me. If it's not perfect I don't want to do it. I love control. Too much. 

I am worried about failure. I am afraid of success. Both paralyze me. Sometimes that is really dangerous. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Sometimes with both, I end up sabotaging myself. Which is ridiculous and counter-productive. 

But mostly, I'm afraid. Afraid of myself. My strength. My power as a woman, a mother, a daughter, someone's love...I'm really afraid there IS no limit with what I'm capable of accomplishing personally or professionally.


I know being that truthful can make a lot of people uncomfortable. But sometimes we need to understand that and embrace that discomfort. We also need to speak on those things that DO make us uncomfortable.

Being able to talk about what you're really feeling allows you to bring out the emotion and gain perspective. Bringing the fears out to the light of day takes away the power that fear has.

As a mother, when you allow your child to talk about their fears, you help them face them. Monsters in closets. Bullies at school. Learning new skills they don't think they can do and guiding them to grow. Same concept more or less. You don't discredit their fear or feeling, but instead you show them that they don't have to be afraid to try something new. That they have it in them to accomplish something challenging. That the power of their fear is only as strong as they allow it to be.

Allow people to feel the way they do. Telling them how they should feel is encouraging them not to live as authentically as possible. Fear can be a propellant, it makes us move. We might make mistakes, but we're moving and learning. Sometimes we need to feel like shit to make ourselves feel better. Sometimes we need to feel unstoppable to help us to get where we need to go. And sometimes we just need someone to listen and hold our hands, with the acknowledgement that they occasionally feel like they don't know what they're doing or why they feel the way they do.

Makes one think, doesn't it? The power of just allowing ourselves to be human. No judgement. No false bravado. No encouraging stuffing of emotions. Just to talk. Be present. Who knows...maybe they'll allow you to see who they are as well. And maybe in that ability to let down the wall, the perpetual guard, you may find something that you never expected. Yourself.

Class

“Class is an aura of confidence that is being sure without being cocky. Class has nothing to do with money. Class never runs scared. It is self-discipline and self-knowledge. It's the sure-footedness that comes with having proved you can meet life. ”  ~Ann Landers~

Anyone of a certain age or raised in families like mine know certain things about how to speak, how to act and how to carry yourself. When I was a little girl, I would spend time with my Maya-my Great Grandmother Marguerite. I actually had lessons on deportment, entertaining guests, setting a table, serving tea (yes, really...you have no idea how important it is when to have milk, sugar, lemon, etc. on the tray, OR which kinds of teas you serve it with. Dizzying.) and just general life lessons when I would visit and spend time with her. I think she thought it was important because when I first got to know her, I was a very simple Alaskan girl and I think I may have embarrassed her a little. I was the first "child of color" whom she was related to. I don't think she wanted this little Native girl who was suddenly her great-granddaughter to reflect on the family badly. Or maybe she thought I was cute and curious and loved that I was interested in her life and what she knew. I don't know. For what ever reason she taught me the things I know, I am grateful.

Maya was old school. Southern. You could tell she was a little wild in her youth, but she showed her good breeding through and through. She was of a good, old family from Georgia and the Carolinas and being a woman-in both the family she grew up AND the family she married into-meant knowing how to carry oneself as well as knowing how to cook, take care of things and strive for excellence. I think I was the last girl in my family to actually get "lessons" from her. Maybe she thought I was too much work, or maybe she realized that the world had changed a lot and didn't think teaching my sisters or other cousins these things was important. Again, I don't know. My sisters never got "lessons". They were a little more than wild though...and they tended to wear out my grandparents and great-grandparents with their boundless energy and enthusiasm for life. 

Miguel Cervantes, the author of Don Quijote de la Mancha, talked about a different kind of class in that book. I believe the line was:

"There are but two families in the world as my grandmother used to say, the Haves and the Have-nots". 

Maya came from a family that "Had". During the years of the Great Depression, her family became one of the "Have Not As Much". They weren't destitute, but that time changed the nature of society, the make-up and behavior of many families and the relationships they had with money. Still, she maintained the lessons of her upbringing. And passed them on.

Mind you, I don't think anyone that has innate class should be a snob or needs to act haughty. There are a lot of people I knew growing up that have that disdainful sniff and "look" they give you if you begin to err in your proper forms of social and personal conduct. Maya said it was usually the newly rich or those who carried on airs about who they were that acted this abominably. Maya said a woman of class never behaved like she was above anyone else, but that she never seemed surprised or taken aback. She would always be gracious and kind, and ever helpful. I did catch a few times when she said things that belied her former station in life, but she really was extremely steady in her beliefs and behavior.

I look at the state of the world around me today, and there are very few people who show they have class or breeding anymore. I find myself struggling from time to time to remember my place and how I'm supposed to act. But, the women in my family have strong voices and I'll hear them in my head when I begin to act common and like a fool. 

I hear my Maya chastising me for some of my choices. And could hear her sweet, genteel I-told-you-so voice, holding her chin high and a dainty little sniff after in my head when I got separated from the Dreaded Ex. 

"Why honey, that's what you get for marrying beneath yourself..."

Being the extremely feeling and high-strung, emotion driven girl that I am it was hard for me to maintain my composure from all the lessons she taught me. As I've grown older, it's become important to me again. I'll never go back to being anything less than the woman I was raised to be. I refuse to be anything less. I am her great-granddaughter after all.



I've had and had not. I grew up not destitute, but with rather frugal parents who would rather invest their money for later and give us things that weren't so much material as they were important.

My parents stressed education, so I was fortunate enough to attend an excellent school in Seattle for my formative years. My lessons came in handy there. I was still different though. Not my entire family came from such refined roots. I also came from family who were simple, hard-working villagers from the Bering Sea Coast of Alaska. My Granny Alice was the head of this family, and had just as much class and elegance as a Yup'ik woman possibly could. She was different than a lot of women of her time and home, I think...

How does a village girl with these lessons of more elite families from the South and a large city like Seattle manage to combine the two parts of herself? Well, I am always comparing and contrasting dissimilar things to make them more understandable and easily accepted to myself and my children.

People in both my families were hard workers. People in both my families didn't take excuses for not excelling. People in both my families had very strong morals and values. People in both my families held family ties, traditions, passing on of knowledge and education in very high regard. And people in both my families were different. Even the family from the village. We always have been looked at as somewhat foreign. We're not like everyone else. Or at least a good portion of us aren't like everyone else. I have my Granny to thank for that. She was regal. She was formidable. All 4'11" of her.

People of class tend to be born with it. Regardless of their station in life, they strive to excel. They strive to be accepting, but hold themselves to a higher standard. People of class are always learning, always growing, and always taking on new skills and information. People of class understand the culture of man is always evolving. They may be part of society, but they tend to hold themselves to the things they know to be true for themselves and their family. Tradition is most meaningful-whether that be the kind of tradition that has Battenburg lace and embroidered pillow slips, or the kind of tradition that follows the seasons and subsistence calender in the wilds of Alaska.

Going through so much with so little has reminded me that every single lesson I've ever been taught has been important. Now I think I understand where my Maya AND my Granny got their strength, their quiet acceptance, and their strong voices.

You see, it's not the situations you go through or your circumstances that determine your worth...or if you have class. It's how you handle those situations and circumstances that bring the class out of you.

Strength of character, how you maintain your social and personal conduct, and the attitude you go through life with show your true nature.

You either have class of you don't. Some rise above their circumstances at birth, some stay in them. But how you handle yourself throughout is the most notable marker of good breeding. You don't need money. You don't need the best schools. You don't need to be of noble birth. A person of class will always show themselves to be exactly that.

Continue to be brave. Courageous. Steadfast. Have the discipline to maintain your values, morals and expectations of not just yourself, but your children, family, and friends. Be gracious. Be kind. Be compassionate. Be nurturing.

But most of all, be the best person you possibly can be. Circumstance or not.

Pursuit of Frustration

“Don't aim at success. The more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one's personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long-run—in the long-run, I say!—success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think about it”  ~Viktor E. Frankl~

The only problem I have with this quote is that in my experience you DO have to pursue it.

I grew up with the knowledge that if I wanted something bad enough I couldn't wait on things to be just right or have optimal conditions before It came to me. I knew everything  I got in life I would have to work for. I knew the things I appreciate the most are the things hard fought. That doesn't mean I don't get tired of the fight. Because I do. I'm exhausted thinking about and doing all the things that will make me successful. That's all I do. It's all work, it's all about setting myself up for success.

Success gurus will tell you not to rest on your laurels, that truly successful people keep moving on to the next project, the next great thing even when the victory is still fresh...I am here to tell you that isn't easy. Those of you who have gone through this or ARE GOING THROUGH THIS right now know this can be one of the most draining things imaginable.

I knew going into starting a business would be taxing. I knew I would be tired on the proving ground. I knew there would be a lot of times that I would feel like giving up, quitting, and failing.

I feel that way right now. I feel like a failure...until...

I realize how far I've come. I know there is a long way that I have to go. But, I know how much of my struggle is behind me.

But...

 I am afraid every day. I'm sick of overextending myself physically, mentally, financially. I yearn for a social life again. I yearn to spend more time with my children. I hunger for a day off. I just want someone else to take care of everything so I can just bake some fucking cookies and get a manicure. Take a vacation. See my family down in Washington. Not worry that I will not have enough time, money or resources to support my family.

These are times I wish I could have been satisfied marrying for security and been shallow and vapid enough to be satisfied with just that.

Unfortunately, I'm not shallow or vapid. I am never satisfied with the status quo. And I am always struggling. To make it through the day. To have faith in myself and trust everything will be fine. To make ends meet.

What's missing? Why can't I achieve? I see people that aren't the kinds of people I am and they don't have to work for anything! I see people who aren't very nice get whatever their twisted little hearts desire. Why the hell does it have to be so hard for me? What karma did I fuck up in such a way that relegated me to the struggle? I know it's not always like this for other people. So, why "them" and not me?

Earth Mother, Brutish Man

“Man can never know the loneliness a woman knows. Man lies in the woman's womb only to gather strength, he nourishes himself from this fusion, and then he rises and goes into the world, into his work, into battle, into art. He is not lonely. He is busy. The memory of the swim in amniotic fluid gives him energy, completion. Woman may be busy too, but she feels empty. Sensuality for her is not only a wave of pleasure in which she is bathed, and a charge of electric joy at contact with another. When man lies in her womb, she is fulfilled, each act of love a taking of man within her, an act of birth and rebirth, of child rearing and man bearing. Man lies in her womb and is reborn each time anew with a desire to act, to be. But for woman, the climax is not in the birth, but in the moment man rests inside of her. 

~Anaïs Nin~

There is that terrible joke about men spending nine months waiting to get out of a woman's body and the rest of their lives trying to get back in. What people should really should concentrate on is getting into someone's heart and mind instead of trying to get in between their legs, get off and move onto the next.

Casual sex has really ruined the mystery and importance of sex for those of us whom it is something we don't take lightly and is meaningful for us. I'm extremely cynical about relationships and love and sex because of the attitudes I've come across in the men I've met. Even the nicest, most intelligent, always polite/conscientious and most amazing men can be cavemen when sex is involved. Hit 'em over the head and drag a girl off to their cave type thing...

Granted, I'm sure casual sex can be exciting at times. But how fulfilling is it really? I don't know about you, but I find sex with someone that I know, knows me and knows what I like and don't like to be far more satisfying than going through the motions with someone who doesn't know jack shit about what they are doing or who you are...or cares.

Being with someone who wants meaning out of sex isn't an idea that's unique to me or you, but to many other people too. Helen Fisher, PhD, a cultural anthropologist at Rutgers University, has conducted a study to look at casual sex.

More than 50% of women and 52% of men who went into a one-night stand, according to Fisher, reported that they did so hoping to create a longer relationship.  One-third of them actually did so.  What’s the lesson?
“Never assume that a man is not romantic,” Fisher says. “Two huge mistakes in this culture are that women are not sexual and that men are not as romantic [as women].”

I'm lucky enough to have younger friends. Younger male friends especially. They give me perspective on what gratuitous sex is like and how quickly they begin to feel like it's not enough. Usually it's like right around 26 or 27 (at least in the men I've spoken to). They begin to stop being satisfied with meaningless encounters and want to share something a little more significant with someone that means something to them. Someone who cares more that they're good guys and good friends than if they look hot, are up for a party, and don't just want to be the one available at bar-break to satisfy their inebriated carnal urges. They want someone that isn't interested in their car, how much they make or what they can buy or do for them. They want someone with a little more depth of character and elegance. This is why I have so many younger male friends. They want answers. They are hopeful (poor sots). They want some un-nameable quality I possess. So, we talk. They get whatever information they need and move on. Or we stay friends.

I've also been lucky to have female friends that have been single for a while (or again), or have had more experience than I in the relationship department. They feel the same way after a while. Men with commitment issues. Men with "complicated" other relationships. Or lesser evolved men who don't have a problem saying what they will to get a woman into the sack. Casual sex isn't something they want to do forever. I share what I know about men and what they want. We talk. They share their results with their men afterward.

See, I never really had the bad-decision making, gratuitous sex phase of my life because I was with The Dreaded Ex from the time I was about 18 til right about 36 (with a couple of years off for bad behavior for him somewhere amidst our time together). I have no idea about anything to do with the recriminations, the walk of shame or anything else like that. Why? Never really went through it, and I haven't had a whole lot of partners.

This can be a good thing, and a bad thing at the exact same time.

I can be a little naive when it comes to men, dating, sex, etc. I'm not so naive that I think sex might mean more than just what it is. Sometimes sex is just sex. I know lots of people who have sex just to have sex. Like that old idiom, to scratch an itch. I was raised to have a lot more of a healthy respect for it in regards to relationships. But sex in relationships is a different story entirely...

No wonder people are hyper-sexualized. Casual sex, FWB, OPP, booty calls...our entire society is gearing our couples for failure from the get go. Look what ideas we put out there in our movies, music, television, magazines and some parents who are poor role models to their children. Truthfully? I think, the majority of people are looking for something that doesn't have anything to do with sex at all...

A connection. Meaning. Someone who sees them. Not what they look like. Them. As a person. And still wants them. Someone they can hang out with and enjoy WITHOUT the pressure of sex.

It's loneliness and not wanting to be all by themselves that tends to get people into trouble. 

"Any but the most brutish of men must be touched with a certain awe or wonder at the baring of a woman's naked soul." ~Robert E. Howard~

Call me old fashioned. I am. I believe ladies should never pursue a man. It's not only tacky, but desperate. I believe a man should "court" and "woo" a lady. I believe a woman who is interested in said man should allow him to, but never lead a man on who she isn't sincere about having in her life.

Call me an idealist. I am. I think things can work out with most people in most situations. I say most. Even the best suited partners can be victims of timing and circumstance; distance-in miles or places in life; and desperately wanting to make things work even though there is no chance to whatsoever for other reasons.

Call me a romantic. Even after all the bullshit I've experienced since I've been single, the creeptastic men who don't get who I am as a human being but just see my face and not my heart...I still am a romantic. The small part of me who still believes in fairy tales, fervently hopes that there is a penguin somewhere who is holding a heart shaped pebble and waiting just for me to rescue his ass.

The world-weary cynic that lives in my head sneers at me, laughing at my naïveté. Mocking my foolish heart and guileless ingenue  But my idealistic, romantic girl believes in the innate magic of a woman's earthy voluptuous sensuality. 

You can see it. In how some women make other people react. Not just how they make men react, but how they make people react in general. They draw people to their mother goddess beauty, their always stroking-comforting-soothing touch, and people inevitably fall enchanted at the compassion and love that bubbles up like an eternal wellspring in these women. They're powerful without need of force, attractive without need of beauty aids, and sensual without actually being vulgar or sexualized. Men are completely drawn to this confidence, this softness of being, this basic womanliness.

Every single woman on the planet has this ability. It's just how you tap into it, and if there is a man out there that can bring it out of you...keep him.

I've figured out what the men in my life need and want. They want to feel needed, wanted, desired. But, they also want to feel safe, loved, taken care of. Without anyone thinking it's some sort of Freudian reference, men want that sensual earth mother. If you've ever had a boy-child, you understand that look that they give you.

"Love me even though I'm dirty, do sometimes thoughtless and reckless things, and make lots of noise and mess where ever I go. Hold me and cuddle me in private even though I may not want you to touch me or be too affectionate in public. Allow me to be vulnerable with you, but tell me how strong and brave and smart I am. Let me know I'm special. Let me know you need me. Let me know I'm your love."

ღ

I don't agree with Anaïs Nin's quote completely. A woman's sensuality is not all fired up when a man rests inside her sex. A woman's sensuality is at home most when a man allows her to rest inside his heart.

It's not emptiness we feel, but the deeper knowledge that it doesn't have to feel that way. It's not loneliness we feel, but the knowledge that we can complement someone else and the impatience to find the one who complements it It's not just contact we crave, but the connection contact brings.

I don't agree with Howard's quote entirely either. It's not when a woman opens up her soul to a man that the most powerful and brutish feel most touched. It's when the most brutish and powerful man can bare his soul to a woman, and feels safe doing so...that is when men feel awe.

Aging Gratefully

"When I was younger, I looked at getting older as this process of getting less interested in things and becoming colder, and of finding less joy in the mystery of things. And I've found the exact opposite to be true. I find that I'm getting warmer, and that I'm more mystified by human interactions." ~Jon Brion~

People tell me all the time I don't look my age. I am lucky. I really am blessed to have the combination of genes that I have and to have been given the gift of Grace with which I have been given to able to live my life on my terms. But, I'm very human. There are things I still have desires I cannot meet on my own, aspects of the human condition that we share with others that I crave...

Birthdays have been a very hard time for me to deal with the past few years. Harder than holidays, believe it or not. It's not because I'm getting older. There is no stopping that. I'll get older regardless of how much I fight it. I can do a lot to keep me from looking older, feeling older and behaving older...but I don't pretend to think I'll ever KEEP MYSELF from getting older. It's inevitable. It's something we all just have to accept.

I look in the mirror, and truly...I like what I am becoming. But...

My problem is that I never thought I'd be approaching the age I am..."alone". True, I do have my short people. But having short people around as you add another year getting closer to 40 as a woman isn't the same as being able to commiserate, be comforted and be supported by your partner. Mind you, I'm not 40 YET. I am JUST going to be turning 39. But it's still a hard pill to swallow.

I hate that I'm going here, but...

When the Dreaded Ex turned 40, we were still married. I threw him a surprise party. Invited his friends, family and co-workers. Ordered a huge, gaudy personalized banner just for him. Secured a venue I thought he might feel comfortable and enjoy. Got some food together. Ordered ridiculous gifts for him. Made a big production of it. He had no idea. It was one of the happy memories I have of our time together. He felt special. Pampered. Remembered.

It's that sort of thing that I have never had. The big production. Any birthday get-together's that I can remember that I've had while I was with him or while were were married, I did a fair share of the preparation for it. So, it isn't like I would be missing something HE did.

Ugh. I keep this up, and I'll be maudlin.

It's my stupid vanity. The knowledge that I won't be in my 30's very much longer that is grating on me. Again, not for the reasons you'd think...

Turning 39 for me soon is a reminder that soon my body won't be able to produce a child, should I want one. I don't know that I would want another baby so late in my life, but losing that possibility rankles me in such a way that it is shaking the core of my womanhood. Having children has been one of the most singularly satisfying experiences I've been lucky enough to have. And soon enough, my body won't be able to produce one. 

Losing this ability is something I am already beginning to mourn. Which is made all the funnier, because I would never bring a child into this world without being in a committed relationship and most probably married.

My shortest person, who is six and a half firmly believes that I am going to have another baby. The last conversation I had with him about it went something like this:

"Mom, when you have another baby..." 

I interrupted him. "Doodle, there are things about having babies that women need to have. Like I would need to be married to a Daddy for this baby, or have a boyfriend I loved very much." 

Doodle stares at me and blinks innocently. 

"Doodle, I would need to have a man to make a baby." I say. 

Doodle looks at me, and in a matter of fact way just says, "Oh...well. Then get a man."

Oh, how I wish it were that easy. It's the same way I hope not to dispel the hope I see in my daughter's eyes when I tell her that I can find "the penguin" that she so longingly hopes I will find. I think she hopes that I will find my "penguin" because - since the divorce - she's been questioning if she will someday find hers. I want her to believe she can and will. I DO believe that for her.

She is happy I'm seeing men. She wants me happy. She wants to think that even after such tragic endings in love, there can be new beginnings and I will not take that belief away from her, even if I don't necessarily believe it myself.

I find that the complexity of human relationships is not true just for myself and the men I've gotten involved with, but with the truth for human beings everywhere.

I want. I need. I feel. I love.

Those are things we all have within ourselves. Whether or not we find those things, are things that need to be seen for ourselves. How we relate to those things, how we carry those feelings and basic human needs out is up to us to define.

Those shared nuances of each of our subconscious hearts, the need to be accepted and be loved for who we are, fascinates me. I want desperately to understand and be able to apply what I've learned about myself and others in my own relationships. I want to make them something that is exclusively mine and my beloveds . I do feel that someday, maybe soon...maybe much later, if I am able to apply what I've learned...then perhaps the relationships I am a part of will become less mystifying and more magical. 

Idealist that I am. Romantic at heart. Crusty, cynical shell protecting the soft, gooey center.

“Because life is short. I feel we’re made of a hunger, a desire for life – if that can be described as a material. As I get older, I’m trying to open that channel more. If you don’t, if you close off desire and get complacent, life loses its freshness and sweetness, and that’s what I crave. That’s my bliss." ~Sarah Slean~

It's difficult to realize that all the things you do to "protect yourself" really keep your potential and your partners encapsulated into impenetrable little bubbles. It's so easy to say "I can allow myself to open up, be vulnerable." In reality, it's much harder than it seems. 

But, life isn't always about not being alone. The past few years have taught that to me. Life is about the small things, the victories against the challenges that bring joy to you and yours. We desire. We hope. We hunger. May we never be without those things. Because they are the impetus to make us move, make us grow, and allow us to give freely the things we try so hard to protect. 

Life and love are sweet.  I don't ever want to forget that. No matter my current lament of being alone, or my impending change into yet another era of my human-hood. The REAL-ationship we all crave begins with ourselves. To close off the possibilities is to close off your ability to experience and appreciate life as you were meant to live it. 

My friend N. and I were talking about this. He is one of my sounding boards. He helps me through the maze that is my mind and the uncharted territory that is my heart. He's a seeker. He's a sage. He's my conscience. And safety. What he has told me was:


"I would hope you can just let life happen. And if its time for you to have another love, it just will."

Through no conscientious guidance and no amount of orchestration. Just like that. Let life happen. And age GRATEFULLY and gracefully.

My birthday will be a celebration this year. Of myself. And the painful miracle that began on the date of my birth into this schoolyard of life. 

May each passing year, hereafter, be filled with mystery, unquenchable thirst for the sweet nectar of experience, unassaugable hunger for joy and delight, and the confidence that whatever I face, I don't face alone.

Misguided Mid-Night Musings of a Melancholy Mother

"This is how you lose her. 

You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely. 

You must remember when she forgets.

You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention. 

She remembers when you forget. 

You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good. 

You must learn her. 

You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to. 

You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept. 

And, this is how you keep her."    ~Author Unknown~

I'm notorious for being wide awake when I have no desire or need to be. Why? Hell if I know. It's always been this way. What do I do when I'm sleepless in a quiet house at some ungodly hour? If I'm not able to sleep, I'm researching, reading or just fiddling around on the computer.

Tonight I was reading stuff, much as I often do. I blame the candy I had earlier. I don't eat candy often. But what did I do tonight? Had THREE pieces of this otherworldly confection my favorite client gave me that should, by all rights, be illegal .And it led me to have eyes that won't shut and energy that would make the Energizer Bunny envious.What did I happen to find on my internet search tonight? That massive quote.

It made me cry.

I know, I know...it's sappy. Considering how I've felt about relationships in general, it's no wonder I'm surprised I cried reading it. It's a quote. But, it makes sense. I'm trying very hard to remain cynical about relationships after everything I've been through and everyone I have met. Actually, I've been re-evaluating my stance on them lately. I've realized something.

Relationships aren't something you have a cookie cutter for. There is no magic recipe for the perfect relationship. I'd like to give a swift kick in the ass to every asshole storybook maker and fairy tale writer and every Disney storyline creator for giving anyone the idea that we can have a storybook romance. We can't. The ideal we have as little girls for what we should expect out of them is not realistic. Relationships are hard. Very, very hard. Why? Because we people are fucking idiots about them most of the time.

 So, I thought about what a happy little princess I am romantically. (sarcasm...get some) What do I do that makes my unique shade of dysfunction worth someone's time?

• I push people away when I think they're going to get too close or they are going to hurt me.
• I hurt them first if I think they're going to hurt me (thank you Dreaded Ex for making me believe it's normal for people to hurt one another. Purposefully.).
• I have a hard time believing someone would want to get saddled with my particular brand of dysfunction.
• I have an even harder time believing someone would love the body I have disliked for so long (body image issues, big shocker).
• I can be selfish.
• I have twinges of jealousy I didn't know I had.
• I don't want to be possessed, but I want you to feel possessive.
• I want sex. Even when you don't.
• I get a little hard to live with when I'm hormonal.
• I expect a lot out of someone. I have high standards. 
• I want to be adored. Completely. Spoil me. Shower me with affection. Treat me like the Queen I am.

Just to make things interesting, I think we all should come with these disclaimers.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Oh. Here's my card."

Trading dating cards. It's gonna catch on.

I can see the CAREER HIGHLIGHTS of some:

• Commitment issues 
• Insecure around prettier women
• Jealous of your job
• Obsessive

Ha! Wouldn't that be something? I don't need a trading card. I just need to give my guys a fair shot.

And, per some good friends advice, I'm going to give the men in my life the opportunity not to screw up, but the chance to do right. I know a couple really want the opportunity to do so.

"Who the hell do you think you are?!?" "ME? Don't you KNOW who I am?"

“Meaning and morality of One's life come from within oneself. Healthy, strong individuals seek self expansion by experimenting and by living dangerously. Life consists of an infinite number of possibilities and the healthy person explores as many of them as possible. Religions that teach pity, self-contempt, humility, self-restraint and guilt are incorrect. The good life is ever changing, challenging, devoid of regret, intense, creative and risky.”
~Friedrich Nietzsche~

Every once in a while, I'll have an attack of morality. I woke with a start this morning at 4 am with the thought "Who the HELL do you think YOU ARE?!?" My inner Sunday school teacher was standing with her hand on her hip and wagging a finger at me, frown lines pinched together tightly between her eyebrows and was reprimanding me vigorously.

Yes, I know...it sounds a little strange that the facets of my personality have their own identities and I can see them pretty clearly. But that's how it is with me.

I feel a bit cowed. I have never liked my internal Sunday school teacher. She's a mean, judgmental and elitist little bitch. For years, that part of was me was strong. Being a good little Catholic school-girl, that part of me was encouraged and cultivated to the point I felt guilty about just about everything. My choices. My desires. My impulses. Sex. Especially sex.

My inner Sunday school teacher is no fun. I'm not bad. I'm good. I've just been allowing myself a little more freedom lately. 

So, waking up with that part of me castigating me for my choices the past few months was not only unexpected, it was downright disturbing.

It has taken me YEARS to get to a place that I felt that I was finally comfortable with myself. My body. My looks (yes, believe it or not, I hated the way I looked). My thoughts. My sexuality. And when I finally got comfortable, I realized that for most of my life, I was in the wrong place, definitely with the wrong person and I had built this life around me that was making me unhappy and sick.

So, aside from some things about my life that I cannot change, being able to explore the side of me that I gagged, bound and suppressed for so long has been enormously gratifying and cathartic to me. My inner hedonist is reveling in my freedom. I'm not unhappy anymore. I am actually wanting to give myself permission to be happier.

I still find things that I didn't realize I had hang-ups about in myself. Things that when I discover them, rub me the wrong way because I know that they are just the last traces of that "other" life. 

I agree completely with what Nietzsche said EXCEPT living dangerously or being risky. I can't do that. I will push myself though. Much like anything else you think you can't do, it takes patience and practice and a whole lot of coaching the first few times. I know I won't kill my hang-ups overnight. It took a long time to develop them, and I've lived with them for the better part of 39 years.

My understanding about myself is growing. That brings me a measure of satisfaction. What is it that Percy Cerutty said about growth? "You only ever grow as a human being if you're outside your comfort zone". The funny thing is, is that the comfort zone I THOUGHT I lived in isn't right...

Have you ever been so wrong about what truly IS your comfort zone that when you find what you're comfortable with you're blown away by its intensity? I'm looking at my entire life now and wondering if I've been living as authentically as I should be...if I was wrong about what I really am comfortable with, then I could be wrong about a lot of other things...things I'm not just uncomfortable with, but REALLY fucked up over. THAT thought both exhilarates and scares me senseless.

Especially thinking that I may be wrong about relationships. Maybe I'm NOT so damaged that I could feasibly have what I thought I couldn't. Maybe it wasn't me, it was really him (GIGGLE that line is going to make me laugh all the time now)...maybe I don't need to be so driven by rules that I can allow myself something I thought I'd never have. A REAL-ationship. THAT right there is a scary thought!

My friend Tara and I were talking recently. I was telling her that I've been wondering if I'm doing the right thing in regards to allowing myself to date more than one person at a time, if she thought I was too fucked up to have a real relationship. I told her I was getting really sick of having men asking me out for the wrong reasons, that I get tired of them being fixated on what I look like because that's all they seem to talk to me about. I asked her to be blunt and tell me what she thought. She surprised me:

"You are a force of nature, no one is going to tame that, you would just shred them. But anyone accepting that, diving into the hurricane and not fighting it is in for a ride. Maybe you spit them out broken, or just move on. You leave them changed. You are beautiful, primal, fierce and even knowing that, people still come to you. The Goddess courses through you. I know that whoever tries to contain you wont manage, even if it is yourself. I know that these men have more than lust for you, there is plenty of that, but their feelings run calmer and deeper for you than that."  

What she said blew me away. It's not the first time that someone has said something similar TO me, ABOUT me. That's another "comfort zone" I'll have to address. Accepting that having more than a few people, who DON'T know each other, and saying the same thing about me MAYBE see something that I don't acknowledge about myself. I know I probably am very very wrong about men, I know that I've gotten very cynical as to why they want anything to do with me, and that those that are in my life right now want to do more than "building the fire"...but I think I'll save that box to open another time. Until then, I'll continue to be kind to myself and give myself solace with this thought about expanding my comfort zones:

“If all the world hated you and believed you wicked, while your own conscience approved of you and absolved you from guilt, you would not be without friends.” ~Charlotte Brontë~