“Who has never killed an hour? Not casually or without thought, but carefully: a premeditated murder of minutes. The violence comes from a combination of giving up, not caring, and a resignation that getting past it is all you can hope to accomplish. So you kill the hour. You do not work, you do not read, you do not daydream. If you sleep it is not because you need to sleep. And when at last it is over, there is no evidence: no weapon, no blood, and no body. The only clue might be the shadows beneath your eyes or a terribly thin line near the corner of your mouth indicating something has been suffered, that in the privacy of your life you have lost something and the loss is too empty to share.”
~Mark Z. Danielewski~
I'm a serial murderer. I haven't just killed an hour. It hasn't been as simple as that. I feel like I've managed to kill my entire life, minute by minute. There are a million moments I wish I could take back. Minutes that I will never have again. Like the ones I'm going to expend on writing this post.
How do we do it? Complacency. Boredom. Being overwhelmed. Not being challenged enough. Having too much to do. Not having enough to do. Social networking sites. Blogging...There are myriad reasons why, but the bottom line is that we are overstimulated, overwhelmed, overworked (some of us anyway), overextended, overtaxed and we find ourselves in a place where we don't have a whole lot to show for the time we spent doing it. Whatever the elusive "it" is.
For me, I think I just do too much all the time that I can't do another single thing. Wake. Work. Cook. Work. Clean. Work. Spend time with short people. Work. Work. Work.
I was just so damn tired of juggling jobs, looking for ways of making my life more efficient and work more productively that I quit my regular gig working for a provider's office, so I could be my own boss...and it lends NEW problems to me. I was tired of never being able to see my family-both my short people and my parents, sisters, brother, aunts, cousin, grandmother and in laws . I am so envious of people that have a support system. I have me...and extended family that is 1,500 miles away. Now, I'm tired of marketing and seeking contracts and to fill my schedule, writing proposals and creating work for myself.
There are days like today when I have so much to do, I don't know where to begin that I wish I could have a massive do-over of my life. What would I change? Everything.
Rather than do that though, I'm going to have to come up with some massive to do lists. And not get overwhelmed with doing that. What does a small business owner and single mother like myself have to get overwhelmed about?
*giggle* EVERYTHING. If you don't know what EVERYTHING is, I won't bore you. Small business owners know. It's not easy getting established. It takes a lot of time to become an overnight success. I love what I do. I'm talented at it. It's my passion, life's work and what I love. But, there comes a point when you want to stop and just have someone else do it for you.
But, you can't. Especially when you're single momming it. It's a huuuuuge struggle to make sure you keep motivated some days. It's exhausting to be the only one that everyone depends on. I wish I could be satisfied with just getting a job somewhere. You know, clocking in...doing some random "important" work and being able to clock out and go home at the end of the day. Or satisfied with getting married to some average guy and having an average life. I've done both of those things. I wasn't satisfied. I don't want average, and I don't just want to work for someone. I want everything in my life to be what I fought hard to be able to do. Whether or not I'm successful at that, remains to be seen. But, succeed or not, I sure as hell am going to continue to try...until there isn't any fight left in me.
Right now, I need to get back to doing one of the five billion things I need to do everyday and have procrastinated doing today because I was overwhelmed and killing time. Living life. Being a mom. Being everything for everyone except myself. *smile*
Yeah, living the dream...
who said it wasn't all it was cracked up to be?
