Holding Space For You

"Years had passed, and they had both suffered and celebrated and changed from the people they’d once been, but in each other’s arms they would always be home"

~Jessie Evans~

I am often reminded that the greatest influence we have in this life is the relationships we build with one another.

So many times we take for granted the lives we touch and the relationships we build until we don't have them anymore. In many instances we can't help but feel that we could have done more for someone. Helped them more. Supported them more. Forgiven their frailty. And forgiven our own in dealing with them. Loved them more. There's a lot of "if only I had..." feelings. There is expectation in loving and caring for someone. If not by them, then by you. We feel responsibility for one another.

The important thing I have to remember in life, work, family and love is that I can only control what I do, think and feel. I cannot control the reciprocity that someone may...or may not...feel towards me in loving and caring for them. I cannot control their decisions as relates to me.

Sometimes the expectations we have with one another are unrealistic or unreasonable. Sometimes they are dangerous or unhealthy. Sometimes no matter the depth of our love and care, it'll never be good enough to meet their expectations. Sometimes their response (or lack thereof) may not be good enough for us.

So, we should learn to hold space for one another.

Holding space seems like this difficult process. This unattainable ability because by nature, as human beings, we put expectations on our relationships...whatever they may be.

But holding space is about meeting someone where they are and supporting them as they make their journey. Make their decisions and feel what they need to get from point A to point B. It's not about fixing them, influencing the outcome of their decisions or judging them. It's about being available for them in a compassionate way without expectation of reciprocity or wanting them to please us. It's not about us at all.

Being present. Connecting to their heart and energy in an objective way so they can traverse life knowing they are supported and loved. They can make the journey knowing you have their back. Whatever the outcome.

In all relationships, this ability is necessary. Especially as parents, lovers, partners and friends.

Why the hell is it so hard?

Because we are fallible. Because we want to "help", "fix" or make easier the journey for those who touch our hearts. We have ego. We have a difficult time separating what we want and need from what others want and need. We can be incredibly selfish.

It may seem easy to see the necessary steps one may take to travel in life. We ask "Why can't they see what they're doing?" It's obvious to us. But, it's a process only they can go through. At their own pace. In their own time and way.

Fear plays a big role in some relationships. With ourselves. With each other. When we love someone, we want to protect them from being hurt. We want to protect them from ugliness or unnecessary pain.

We can't insulate them or ourselves from experience. We can't. It doesn't teach them or us a damn thing. Some of our greatest teaching moments come out of hurt.

I fight this all the time. By nature, I want to protect people. My loved ones-family, friends, significant others, patients. And myself. Not allowing yourself or others to feel discomfort, hurt or pain is to prevent them (and you) from growth.

After talking with trusted family members, numerous friends and significant others...I know this is my greatest strength and biggest fault. I protect at all costs. The greatest cost is to myself.

There is a thing as protecting too much. Insulating yourself and others from living in all its unsplendored glory. 

I work on my own. That's the hardest.

I'm actively working on not pushing people away so I don't feel vulnerable. So I won't get hurt like I have in the past. It's the most difficult work I've ever had to do. Especially in personal relationships. I've gotten better at voicing my frustrations so I don't feel hurt. I need to work on hearing and not hurting people. 

Experience has taught me that to trust someone with my heart leaves me hurt. It opens up the very real possibility that they can let me down. That I won't be good enough for them to stick around. Or to use my love as a weapon. Instead of realizing that not everyone does that, I protect myself from realizing great love with someone else.

That's not healthy.

So, now. I work on holding space. For others. But most importantly for myself.

We all want to experience being loved. In the way we need. Some of us need a little help and the space to experience love that doesn't hurt. We need to learn to forgive ourselves for our perceived shortcomings and understand that sometimes we are fine just as we are. We can learn to celebrate the person we are becoming without detracting from the journey we have taken from the person we have been.

Make yourself comfortable in the home inside yourself so you can welcome others into your home. We are all fixer-uppers. There is no shame in that.

Hold space for me. I'll do the same.

I want to come home.