Expect too much from love.

Taken from my personal Facebook Page, posted on May 27, 2016 

 

 

 

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul, and makes us reach for more. That plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds."

Aside from the over-dramatized portrayal by Rachel McAdams as Allie, I always cry when I watch The Notebook. Not why you'd think, though.

Don't get me wrong...it's a beautiful story. Spurred on by the hormones, yeah...the waterworks were on full force.

I love The Notebook because it makes me think of my grandparents and great grandparents and the love, loyalty and devotion they had for one another. I miss seeing that.

My Granny and Poppa...never showing affection in public...thinking they weren't watched when Poppa took Granny's hand and they walked slowly on the deck of a ferry during their first vacation together in the history of their marriage. Their fingers gnarled with age and bodies bent and worn thin from decades of hard work, finally at their leisure together. Brought tears to my eyes. Granny found out she had cancer not too long after and died the following spring.

When my Maya was getting ready to go, she frequently was visited by my Yaya...who passed about six months before she did. She'd light up at empty space and exclaim "Oh honey!" And have a conversation with him. He waited for her and brought her home when it was her time to go. They had been married something like 70 years...

My Grandpa Henry singing to Grandma was what I thought of most frequently during this movie. Grandpa sang with a lot of love despite not always gaining the right notes. He sang anyway.

One Christmas, he wrote her this absolutely touching poem about his love for my Grandma before presenting her with a lovely strand of Mikimoto pearls she'd admired since the 50's but he'd never been able to afford. They were beautiful, but paled in comparison to the love shining in my grandparents eyes when they looked at one another after a lifetime together.

The hardest part of the movie for me is always the part where Gena Rowlands doesn't remember James Garner's character and they had to restrain her.

My Grandpa had brain cancer. He didn't remember and wasn't himself at the end...I can only imagine how scared he and my grandma were. A whole lifetime of memories...

I was blessed when I said goodbye to him that he briefly remembered who I was and I was able to tell him I loved him before he slipped away into the fog again.

This movie makes me think of my grandparents in a good way. All my grandparents. I'm humbled when I think of their lifetimes and their love. My parents too...

I may never have what they have. I have to be okay with that.

A friend says I expect too much out of love and relationships. I say I'd give it all. Just like my grandparents. Just like my parents. They are my role models. I want what they have. Not past tense.

I still want that.

I'm just realistic.

In the Gloaming

Taken from my personal Facebook Page, posted August 16, 2016 

Had to stop and take a photo tonight. Made me think of The Gloaming by Meta Orred

In the gloaming, oh, my darling,
When the lights are dim and low,
And the quiet shadows falling,
Softly come, and softly go;
When the winds are sobbing faintly,
With a gentle, unknown woe;
Will you think of me and love me?
As you did once long ago?

In the gloaming, oh, my darling,
Think not bitterly of me.
Tho’ I passed away in silence,
Left you lonely, set you free;
For my heart was crushed with longing,
What has been could never be;
It was best to leave you thus, dear,
Best for you and best for me.
It was best to leave you thus,
Best for you and best for me.

 

Interesting. Strange how a picture can make you remember details about a day. The feel. The sound. This was a night of restlessness for me. I was visiting my friend, The Viking and had to stop and take a photo. The night was filled with goodbye.

 

The gloaming refers to the dusk. The color and feel of the time of day when light is falling and is melancholy. Yeats described it as "the blue and the dim and the dark cloths. Of night and light and the half-light." You can just see him in front of a slow burning peat fire with a whiskey and pipe, reciting his poem with a tilt of his head.

 

The poem I have loved for years and years. In typical prose of the time, it laments a loss...Meta was a poet in England in the 1870s and 1880s. It was an adaptation. There's tragic history about it...

""In the Gloaming," it comes from Orred's book, entitled simply Poems. The words were set to a tune "in the Irish style" by Annie Fortescue Harrison, later Lady Hill. The words were first published in 1874, and the song was tremendously popular in the United States in 1877.Whether Miss Orred knew the story of the composer's life or not, the facts are (purportedly), that Annie Fortescue Harrison, daughter of a Scottish MP, had been in love with Lord Arthur Hill (County Down, Ireland), but the marriage was frowned upon by his family. Miss Harrison went to England and became a composer, writing the music to this song (as well as instrumentals and musicals). Lord Hill married another woman named Anne, who died the following year. A few years later, at a concert in England, he heard this song performed and the lyrics and tune strongly reminded him of his lost love, so he tracked her down and reader, he married her."

This poem always gets me. Fleeting love. Sadness at having to say goodbye knowing it is inevitable. But, necessary. Scottish and Irish are rather dramatic that way. I think that's why I love Yeats. William Butler Yeats...*sigh*

 

I am always thinking about music in relation to photos I take. It's one of those things that's kind of weird about me. Perhaps one of these days, I'll set music to my photos so you can see the soundtrack to my life...

Taken from my personal Facebook Page, posted on September 21, 2016 · 

"Sometimes there's not a better way. Sometimes there's only the hard way."

~Mary E. Pearson~

Anything worth doing takes three things. Time. Passion. Dedication.

I should say there is a fourth thing. Follow through...

Passion can only take you so far. We are constantly battling time. And people seem to have subjective views on what dedication is. But follow through is everything. That can be the hardest.

Lucky for me, I am surrounded with people who hold me accountable to what I say I will do and what i will be doing. I really love that I agree to do things because I have things to hold me accountable to. For that, I'm grateful.

It can be draining...

BUT.

We have a limited time on this rock that hurtles through space and we should make the most of it. Whether we have had the best day imaginable, or a really discouraging one...we have been here. Doing. Being. And there's a good likelihood that we will be doing and being tomorrow. :)

And eventually, everything comes back around.

I was thinking of my work and sometimes...when I have a challenging day, or a challenging month, or several months, I get to thinking "Am I really making that much of a difference? Do I really have it in me to keep on doing this?" We all have those days. All of us.

I came to a conclusion.

We may not always feel what we do is enough. We may not always feel good about what we're doing. Some nights, we may be like..."WTF, Universe?!? Give me a break!"

BUT...what we do? It DOES make a difference. Maybe to one person. Maybe to a few. Maybe OUR passion ignites passion or inspiration in others. And THEN what we toil at begins to show that we are holding ground. That it's beginning to take shape into this thing we only dream of.

So keep doing. Keep being. Keep working. Find things that reignite your passion if it fizzles along the way. The way may seem hard and filled with obstacles sometimes. But, it is worth every second. Every backbreaking, heart wrenching, gut twisting second. Because someone's life may change because of your work. Someone's life may change because of you. Because you didn't stop doing. Being. Believing. Or working your ass off. Even though it was hard. Even though it's impossible. Even though you may feel alone.

Because succeeding the hard way gives us a satisfaction we'd never have otherwise.

Stars in their eyes...

Taken from my personal Facebook Page, post from October 12, 2016

"This woman is my salvation. She is my anchor in this world. “My angel,” I whisper to her, reminding her who she is to me."

~Abbi Glines~

Occasionally, we are privy to witness deep, abiding love incarnate. When you see two people look at one another that have given all of themselves to each other; struggle, joy, children, family, the mundane and the miraculous...it's almost like an intrusion of the most intimate nature of man and woman. Because it's real. It's there...this unattainable and almost mythical expression of devotion to another human being. Because it's meaningful in ways you hadn't experienced. It's not ephemerous. It's eternal.

I saw that today. And was humbled.

If so ever I find that kind of love, I would count myself the most fortunate on earth. People don't find that everyday. And they have it. For decades. Still as in love as the first day.

So to the man and woman I saw today who embody this...thank you.

You give us all something to aspire to.

Maybe, just maybe...we can all one day find the person who looks at us like we're a long cherished dream come true.

Look into the eyes of your love and seek the sparkle of the heavens shining brightly back at you.

___________________________________________________________________________

I didn't know this at the time I wrote this, but this would be one of those "ah-ha moments" that would make me reconsider my attestation that I would be single in perpetuity. I had already met The Man In My Life. We had been dating very quietly for a while. It was this yearning I felt looking at these two that I realized that a love like was what I wanted more than anything.

On occasion, he would say things that would make me speechless and take my breath away. I kept myself in suspended disbelief that I could find someone so seemingly right for me. He said all the right things. Things that I never thought I would hear coming from the mouth of a man I was involved with.
 

I never forgot this couple. Did they start like this? Did the aged husband and wife begin with moments that gave them pause? Did they come home from dates swooning over how great their date was? Did the memory of a kiss make the woman put her fingers on her lips and smile or sigh? Did they stay up late questioning whether or not this was "IT"?

I was completely enamored at this point. The endorphins were running high. It's not that they aren't now, it's just a different kind of endorphin rush. It's settled down, tempered with a great deal of security and comfort. Reading this, I remember just how dreamy I felt in those relatively early days of courtship. It makes me smile.

I highly recommend being in love. I think I get the looking into the depths of someone's eyes and seeing the Universe in all of it's glory. Because people in love...their eyes shine.

I may never have some of their memories of a lifetime together, but...it's early yet.

I'm still young...

Stay tuned, I guess. I'm just as excited and anticipating what comes next as much as my family and friends are. 

I want to go star gazing...in light eyes fringed with dark lashes.

Let It Start With Me And You

From my personal Facebook Page, post dated November 11, 2016

 

I have been thinking and praying on a few things this week. Thought I might share...

The election has definitely been part of what has been part of my thought process. I couldn't find the right words...

How do you find the words that express a myriad of feelings when so many people are hurting? Including yourself.

I speak about fear a lot. In how I have overcome my own shortcomings and gone onto success from failure. I speak about it from a perspective when I work with my people.

Fear is an emotion I tell people is an emotional indicator we are in new territory and we don't know how to handle it, because we have never experienced something before. Fear can be used as an impetus to change something that isn't working for us. I've used the energy that fear gives me to push myself through unknowns so that I can get to where I need to be from where I am. It's terrifying. And exhilarating and filled with relief when I reached my destination.

I spent a lot of introspective time because I needed to process some things.

With this election, we have seen fear in a lot of things, events, and definitely other people. The thing I prayed on the other night is understanding. I told myself to remove the emotion and get to the heart of what was impeding my understanding.

There's a lot.

I was reading articles trying to analyze the aftermath of the election.

Articles about how many people felt marginalized or separated and why.

Articles about why the electoral college doesn't work. I, personally, have thought it should be something that is re-evaluated to match our current times. Maybe it should. There's tons of information why it's in place. There's tons of information why it should be changed.

Articles for and against each candidate. Their spouses. The presidential predecessors. Digs and barbs at their character, their life choices, who they affiliate with, and how they got to where they are.

Articles about the protests. Articles about healthcare. Articles about peoples rights. Articles about American History. Articles from media people. Articles about articles. Ad nauseum. Ad infinitum.

What is the understanding that I got out of my reading? My conversations? My prayers? Thoughts?

I came up with this.

We all feel that marginalized in some ways whether we give voice to that feeling or not. Cultures. Ethnicities. Religious or spiritual practices. Gender and sexual orientation. Socio-economic backgrounds. Genders. Ages. Geographical origin. Regions. We all feel that people don't "get us". The "us" versus "them" mentality is old as time and is used to divide us and make us feel like we are superior in some way than someone else. To validate us. To validate our existence. To validate our beliefs.

The "us" versus "them" mentality has got to stop. It's divisive. It's hurtful. It does not good except make people feel like they don't belong. It also makes people feel like they are entitled because I'm a ___________ (see above list of qualifiers) and my opinion is right.

Here's the DL. WE. ALL. MATTER. Rich. Not so rich. Men. Women. Other. Hetero. Gay. Queer. Native. White. Black. American. Asian. Middle Eastern. European. Smart. Average. Democrat. Republican. (Insert qualifier here.)

Every single one of us on this planet wants to be loved. By their parent. Their spouse. Have their family (however that family is defined) respected and allowed to grow into the kinds of people we hope they will be. We want to take care of our families. We want to feed them, house them, clothe them, and give them something better than we had. We want them to understand God whatever name we happen to call the Divine Energy that is in everyone and everything. We all want to taste success of our own definition. We want to be comfortable.

Look at that person who you think is so different. UNDERSTAND THEY WANT THE SAME DAMN THING YOU WANT. Look at their children. Look at yours. Teach your children to treat each person they encounter with respect and teach them that if they don't understand the beliefs, culture, and lifestyle of this other person, that's okay.

As I've told my children, as I've told my students, and as I've told people when they need to listen...

The greatest thing we can do for one another is give each person the benefit of the doubt. To listen to one another. To care about their humanity. Because we each are just trying to do the best we can.

Where you can, educate.

Where you can, offer to help.

Where you can, serve.

Where you can, forgive.

Where you can, love.

Remember, we don't all have the same kinds of teachers. Let this time in history be a time we realize this. Not everyone will understand. Not everyone will evolve past their ego. Their upbringing. Their circumstances.

I am reminded today that the best way to encourage understanding is to communicate. Sometimes it is inconvenient. Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it hurts. But keep sharing. You should be kind with your words. Not because it's politically correct. But, because it's the right thing to do.

For me, what hurts is feeling hatred. For me, what hurts is feeling like I don't belong. For me, what hurts is feeling like my existence doesn't matter as much as someone else's. For me, what hurts is that my hard work will be ignored or dismissed. For me, what hurts is feeling impotent.

I have a sneaking suspicion that other people feel this way too.

Write what hurts. If not to share, than for yourself. Taking responsibility for your thoughts, your words, your actions and how you live your values is not a sign of weakness or vulnerability. It's a strength that few have.

I commit to being better. I don't intentionally hurt anyone. If I have hurt you, I apologize.

The election stuff will sort itself out. Humanity? That's our responsibility. Let it start with me and you.

Lucid Conversations in Dreams with the Mystics

From my personal Facebook page, post dated November 18, 2016

We are animals. Complicated, yes. Some of us animals with higher vocabularies or thought processes. Some of us who are connected to Spirit, Earth Mother, universal energy, celestial energy. Some of us who have gained understanding about human nature, the fragile and miraculous bodies we reside in, the complex nature of the human mind. Yet, we still are animals when it comes down to it.

When animals are threatened, they lash out. They attack. They defend against perceived threats. That's what is happening on this planet right now. People defending PERCEIVED threats. Some are very real threats like to their physical well being. But the ideas behind the physical threat is a perceived threat.

My messengers and helpers in my life and in my work are becoming very loud. Making themselves known and seen. Obviously. In broad daylight. Not just in FRONT of MY eyes (which happens all the time), but now also in front of my people's eyes. I try to downplay it, but when unseen forces are turning on equipment or asking me "how do you know that?" at work, I don't always have easy answers for them.

While most people aren't used to seeing or even have the experience in working with what I work with. It can be unusual acknowledging that things exist on different energetic planes when most don't understand that.

My helpers are making me very uncomfortable lately at work and I have been having deep "discussions" while my physical form is resting. They want to make themselves known and for me to listen.

Another "dream" last night.

Floating into space, hanging out with one of my helpers, we looked at the earth.

"You humans are very fragile creatures and make no sense. You attack another like animals, defending "your territory" based on ideas put in your heads by people who have the mistaken idea that our spirits can be controlled, that their ideas are better than anyone else's. These ideas are created to separate one another. Religion. A man made idea about "God" and spirit. No one has it right. Not even close...get down to the basic tenets of any of your religions. Be kind to one another. Do the right thing. Don't hurt one another in what you say or do. Defend your fellow man. Take care of your family. Teach your offspring to follow the same rules."

"But..."

"No. No buts...Your species is the only one whose basic beliefs on how to treat one another are the same but how you actually treat one another is contradictory to those beliefs. And your beliefs any one of you is better than anyone else is laughable. Do you think Your Creator CARES what kind of "wrapper" you come in?"

"No. But..."

"Shut it. Your skin color is like...what's something that even the simplest of your people can understand... phone cases. If you have a phone that's different than your friend's phone, does anyone freak out? No. It's a phone. It comes in different colors. May come from a different manufacturer. May be constructed in a different part of the world from parts made all over the world. You can dress it to match your personality. But it's a phone. Is your phone better than anyone else's?"

"Well..."

"Shut up, we dont have time. Your beliefs based on your needs is debatable. What do you need that's different than what someone else needs? You add apps. Think of religion, culture, language and skills being apps you add. Not everyone has the same app. No one judges you for the apps you put on your phone. No one should judge you for what is loaded onto you by the "factory" you're "made" and "built" in. You're a freaking phone..."

"What's about...?"

"The bullshit you people put each other through? Get over yourselves. Work together. You're the only species whose consciousness can evolve and you all choose to remain ignorant and unascended. You think you're so great? Remember the extinction of the dinosaurs? It can happen to you. What's more, you're doing it to each other. Idiots..."

Silence.

"Get yourself back there. Your time is different than ours."

"I just went to sleep."

"It's time to wake up. Literally. And spiritually. Go back. Share."

"No. People will think I'm crazy."

"You people ARE crazy."

"When will mankind evolve past the place we're at now?"

"When you're ready. Don't you know anything yet?"

"Apparently not..."

Sight of resignation. "Go back. Share."

And I plummeted back to Earth and landed with a whoosh in my bed. Woke.

I can't wait til I begin to "dream" about the mundane again. This is exhausting.

Wake up!

From my personal Facebook page, post dated November 21, 2016:

So, Tom...

You wanted to hear what my last big message was about?

So, standing at a lake with fog curling over it is was met by the same helper I met prior.

I was watching the mist over the water and was amazed because of how mist happens over water.

"It's because the water is actually warmer than the ambient temperature of the air. It creates it's own little pocket of weather. Or so I've heard..."

I looked at my helper. We sat on a weathered log together.

"I didn't mean to scare you."

I smiled. "You didn't. You surprised me."

"Many in olden days came up with explanations of what you see there. It's beautiful, no?"

I nodded. It's magical. "Poets have tried to give it words..."

We sat there and talked.

About illusions. About the power that human beings have given to things we don't understand.

And of course, I asked about what my helper knew about illusions.

The laughter was the thing I least expected.

"Come with me." And we were transported.

A beautiful world filled with homes surrounded with technology and knowledge.

The tour was extensive. And very thorough.

"How's does everyone afford this? These are things that we see in the movies."

"Knowledge is shared. It belongs to everyone. We work with our environment and resources to get the most effective benefit from it. Without disturbing the environment."

I got quiet. "Your world is amazing..."

"This isn't my world. This is what yours can be."

I was staggering with disbelief.

"You see, the greatest illusion are the things your kind have assigned value to. Like...money. Money is a human thing that makes no sense. You people have everything that can sustain you. Without that paper you've given so much value to. It separates your people. It starts wars. It divides you into classes. Haves and have nots. And that's where dissension comes from."

"Look at everything in your world. It has an assigned value. The only thing in your world that has true value is one another. The minds, thoughts, sanctity of life and the things we teach one another. With that tattooed paper and the melted down minerals you have given so much value to, you ignore the true value of what your life is supposed to be. You ignore what is so freely given to you. Each segment of humanity is given what they need to survive. When you don't have what you need, you move on. Like your ancestors have for millenia."

I stared at the view of this amazing picture of what could be.

"So...they're all equal. All of them."

"You're all equal."

It sunk in.

"You have been all been given an incredible gift. A gift of experiencing something miraculous but you waste it. On trivial things. You find ways of making one group more important than one another. It appears it's a human trait to try to explain phenomena that they each experience as being better than one another. That their experience is more valid. Or more important."

Me: "So...what's important?"

My helper smiled. "Growth."

I was confused. "What's kind?"

My helper. "All of it."

I wanted to know more. "But..."

"Shut up. You don't ask the right questions."

"What's is the answer to what I should ask?"

"Acceptance. Collaboration. Elevating the consciousness."

"How's do I..."

My helper smiled. "You need to wake up."

"Wait...no..."

"Wake up. Now."

And there is laid. Awake at 1:30 am.

Are we awakening? Is what we are experiencing a way to do that? And how the hell are we supposed to know?

Unexpected Territory

"I can't say I wasn't hoping for it, but I didn't see it coming."
~Jessi Kirby~

I haven't written in a long time. For a lot of reasons. With everything that is going on in the world at large and our own worlds, we tend to get lost in details of life.

Sometimes those details are mundane. Raising a family. Working. Making a life. Paying bills. All too common in this day and age of being to connected to technology and spending time with people who see us far more than our family does...

And then sometimes those details are remarkable. Watching your children grow into amazing human beings of their own accord. Seeing the people you work with experience growth and change you never expected. Finding a place in the world you didn't know you could flourish in. Falling in love-really falling in love for the first time...with myself. And with someone whose heart matches my own.





When I started blogging, I was trying to make sense of the chatter that was in my head. There was a lot. I experienced a lot of what other people do when great change occurs in life. I was drowning in heartbreak. My family's. My children's. But, especially my own. It kept me up at night. The pain of divorce, being penniless and trying to create a life out of nothing was overwhelming. And, so...I wrote.


I wanted to stop writing at one point, because I didn't think it was doing anyone any good. But, I was met with resistance. Friends. Family. And my own. I always found comfort in the printed words on page. For a little while, I could transport my thoughts out of my head in into type that expressed a lot of things. Mainly the feelings I had about myself . Misplaced feelings, perhaps. But they were mine.





I rebuilt myself. I had no choice but to. My livelihood and my children's lives depended on it. I worked harder than I knew I could work. It was common for me to work 60-80 hours a week. I was physically exhausted and somehow the stress got easier to bear. I wrote my feelings out because I didn't have the time to interact with people in a meaningful way with the time I had left in the day. And I craved that. Everyone craves that deep, meaningful human interaction.


Life got easier. More and more opportunities came from the work I did. I took them. Life continued to get easier. I reveled in the peace I was gaining in my life. In my heart. In my head. I opened myself up to the possibility of meeting someone I could share my life with. Which has been incredibly hard for me, given the experiences I had with The Dreaded Ex. Whatever personal thoughts, dreams or ambitions I shared with him, he used as a weapon to hurt me later when it was convenient for him and when he wanted to "manage me". I don't share a lot about the experience I had with him, unless it's with my patients. I only share those things when I know it may help someone else. Otherwise, it's counterproductive and makes my foundation shaky. I don't like shaky foundations...shaky foundations in my experience, lead to the yelling and trying to smooth things over.


People saw me as being a strong woman. Sure, I guess I can be. But, strength for single mothers rebuilding their lives is a necessity. It's not anything special or unusual to us moms and dads that HAVE to do for our family. I don't like praise or attention for that. It was plain, hard survival for a few years. Pragmatic. Purposeful. Intentional movement. Economy of motion was the tenet I lived by for awhile. I took a little time for myself. Seeing concerts with friends. Learning to be comfortable in my own skin. Coming back out of the insecure, quiet shell I had lived in for 20 years. Dating the occasional non-serious, "it's not going anywhere", emotionally inaccessible and very safe man.

"But, instead of what our imagination makes us suppose and which we worthless try to discover, life gives us something that we could hardly imagine."

~Marcel Proust~

 

The life changes I made enabled me to build something for myself for the first time. Something that was all mine. Something I could be proud of. The mean-spirited voice in my head that told me I would never succeed at anything I would do, that I would be a failure was quieted. Each act of success was my silent "kiss my ass" to that voice. Everything I gained, I became stronger in spirit. In fortitude. Physically. Emotionally. And, most importantly, spiritually.

The thing that helped me the most throughout my life has been adversity. It has shaped me to become more compassionate, more loving, more giving and forgiving. It has allowed me to love unconditionally. It has allowed me to understand the limitless of spirit and the limitations of being human. It has allowed me to understand that love does conquer all. Maybe not in the ways that we think, but in the ways that matter.

 

Somewhere along the way, I attained some wisdom. Not much, but enough to know what are the most important things in life. Family. Purpose. The immense joy and pain that love can bring you. And the incredible potential we all have in all of us to succeed in ways we have never imagined.

 

So, as I put these words to this page, I am confident in knowing that whatever life brings me, I can handle it. We just need the courage to go past our perceived limitations and use our imagination, our indomitable spirit to discover what we can't possibly imagine for ourselves. But, we need to get out of our own way.

The love I have discovered in the deep well of my own humanity has saved my life. It is mixed with experience and pain. It is mixed with indescribable joy. I longed for a life of mundane normalcy, but I have discovered that there is no normal. We all have scars. We all have strangeness. We are all unique. I plan on discovering that for the rest of my life in any way I can.

My one hand will be reaching for the unimaginable, but the other will be firmly held by those that love me and I love in return. My children. My friends. My family. The Man in My Life who has opened my heart and given me that which I never expected to get.

I am in unexpected territory. I am desperately, uncontrollably and unimaginably in love with life. The good. The bad. The ugly. And the truly remarkable. So beautiful it can't be captured in a picture or pretty words.