Longing.

"Love is not to be purchased, and affection has no price."~St. Jerome~

There are many days where I am perfectly fine being single. I don't have to answer to anyone, I feel free to see whomever or do whatever I so choose without asking anyone or making concessions or compromise. I don't have anyone that has an opinion on what I'm wearing, what I'm eating, prodding me to get out of bed if I don't want to. I can go for a spontaneous drive if I'd like. I don't have to check in with anyone before I do. Most days I really enjoy it. Like last night. Totally gorgeous waiter at the restaurant I was at. He had remarkable silver flecks in his blue eyes. I smiled frequently. I flirted. Unashamedly. Unabashedly. He flirted back. I can do that. I'm single. I may be dating occasionally, but no one exclusively...yet.

But,...it's been growing on me...the envy...the longing. It starts out with an appreciation of those that I see that have it and it blossoms in my chest. And begins to ache. And makes me catch my breath eventually because my heart can't keep up. It's like looking through this window at this world you can't be a part of but desperately want to join because even if the people you see through the window aren't happy at that very moment, they're sharing something you don't have. You can't have. It's like they're part of an exclusive club you just can't join. Just like with my occasional bouts of baby fever, this longing grows and I have no way to control it. 

It's a recent discovery. I knew it would happen eventually, but not with this great force.




I want to be in a relationship.

Badly. 




I get a pang of sadness for myself. Envy. Longing. I'm happy for the couples I know and see. But I think I am ready for something a little more concrete than just a great evening out. I see couples doing their unremarkable couple things-like:

...the trade off at dinner. I'll give you the thing from my entree you like but I don't eat, I'll take the bread off your plate so you don't hate yourself at the gym tomorrow

...getting coffee just they way their SO likes it. Or anything else for that matter that their SO likes regularly. Something that they don't have to think about or ask. They just know.

...grabbing a hand while walking or leaning a head on a shoulder for comfort or to show affection because they're just bonded like that.

...witnessing the little spat that you know they've had a million times over and will have a million times again about the same thing...with the little kiss at the end reconfirming their mutual adoration despite this little conflict.

I want someone that knows how I like my coffee-and I theirs, will share not just their entree-but their life-with me, argue the same stupid and harmless little argument with me, and have just the right place on their shoulder that fits me. I want someone that has an opinion on what I'm wearing, what I'm eating, prodding me to get out of bed if I don't want to...or keeping me in bed if I do.  I want someone to go for a spontaneous drive with me if I'd like. And I want someone to check in with, someone that cares if I get to my destination safely. I want the first call and last call of the day to be the person I think about first and last. I want to wake up with someone and tell them not to kiss me just yet because we have morning breath, and for them to ignore me. I want to go to bed with someone who steals the covers, is too hot, cuddles me too much. I want to debate the great things with someone of a mature, sophisticated and intelligent mind. I want someone that isn't afraid to make fun of themselves and isn't afraid to be silly. I want someone that isn't surprised at my boldness, kindness, foolishness, great love, temper, compassion, jealousy, or outlandishness-in public or private. I want someone who respects and admires my mind, reveres my heart and worships my body. I want to be that for someone else. I desperately want someone that fits me and I fit them perfectly. I want, I want, I want... 

It's a difficult place to be single in this day and age. I didn't know how much of a pain in the ass being single and trying to find someone to share your life with was. Seriously.

If you've been single in recent years, there are a number of things that have changed. It's hard to date. It's surprisingly hard to meet someone if you're looking for a person of quality, a person of a certain calibre. There is very rarely any wooing or "courting" anymore. What with the advent and popularity of FWB (friends with benefits) or the infamous booty calls, online "relationships", sites that promote anonymous hook-ups, and the loss of a great thing we once had...sensuality. Seduction as an art form. Seduction takes a long time. Nuanced. Subtle. It's something that you have to be skilled in. Not to be confused with the hyper-sexualized and easy buffet of crass vulgarity that CAN be what single people are subjected to. If you're attractive? It's worse. You become this magnet to people who just want an easy hook up...to "hang out" and see what develops. *PUKE*  People of quality, people of substance can be discouraged. Easily.

And forget about finding the right one when you are a divorced mother of three very active children, and you have two jobs and no time. Sometimes, being in that particular demographic makes predators think you're an "easy target". The "oh she's a single mom, she's gotta be desperate, any attention she gets is probably wanted...badly, and I could have her..." mentality. Let's not even acknowledge men who I could almost feasibly have given birth to hitting on me. My inner siren and sex goddess purrs and says "You've still got it..." but my rational self is screaming "Go to your room! This very second. You're grounded until you grow up, boy!" I do not date men I could have feasibly given birth to. 

I'm extremely particular about who I allow in my life. I don't have casual sex. I am very strong by nature. I like to be in control. I'm a pain in the ass. I have too much passion. I don't like being told what to do. I'm a handful. I like grand gestures-romance totally gets me. Flowers will make me melt. Knowing me well enough to know when I need to be held or shut up means a lot to me. I'm a complex woman. I say I'm damaged. Others have argued we all are...in our own unique ways. I can frustrate you. I intimidate the hell out of most men. But I don't NEED anyone to take care of me. Men need to be very strong and thick skinned to date me. They need to be persistent and calm because I get scared and will try to push them away. Relationships, although I want one, scare the living hell out of me. 

Dating me, if you're serious and may have intentions, is like negotiating a very delicate treaty or hostage situation. My children are the center of my world. They always get first priority. If I am seeing you, you can't expect me to be spontaneous or fawn all over you. I'm not going to text you all day. I can't talk to you all night. I have a life. A very busy one. Setting up a date or an outing with me is like event management. *giggle*  and IF we get to a "certain place", there are no sleep overs. There isn't any negotiation on that. You don't get to meet the short people unless I know it's going somewhere. Even then? If they don't like you? Buh-bye. If they do like you? There still are no sleep-overs. Not for a looooooong time.  

My difficulty is not necessarily a deterrant for men. I've had men tell me that pursued me and made it so far that they said they were going to make me break all of my rules. They didn't last past that. But  where is the right man?!?!?

Until that one comes along? I won't be holding my breath. If he doesn't come along at all...? Some of the most beautiful people I've ever met, heart and soul, have never found great love. I won't accept anything but the kind of love I want...the kind of love I need. I won't settle just because I want to be with someone. They don't deserve that and neither do I. Love is too precious for that. (Don't ever settle. Please.)

I'll just continue to keep the window clean and clear and appreciate the view. Envy? Longing? It's still there. But it's mine to deal with. Love and affection is priceless. It can't be bought. It doesn't matter who you are, what you look like, how much money you do (or don't) have, or the quality of person you are.  And who loves you or who you love may surprise you. It comes to you unannounced. Unbidden sometimes. And love may stay away, even with all the longing in the world held in the most deserving heart...