Always left behind...

"When it's gone, you'll know what a gift love was. You'll suffer like this. So go back and fight to keep it.

~Ian McEwan~

It's so ridiculous to find love so unexpected...that showed you a way to be that you never had before...only to negate it away with a lie...

I don't want to fight for it anymore. He should fight for me. He won't.

Love isn't for me.

I say that with certainty. Why? Every single man I've been involved in a relationship with has gotten married, had babies and found happiness RIGHT AFTER we break things off.

My boyfriend and I just went through the ending of our relationship. I'm devastated...

The last time I was with him, I woke up from a nightmare ABOUT him lying right next to him. In my dream, I'm with The Man. It was a really steamy dream. We were making love. Then I realize it's not my man I'm with. I get up and am leaving when I see The Man on the street. He's getting into his truck. I attempt to run to him but am stopped by an invisible wall. I'm pounding on the wall and screaming for him. He doesn't see or hear me. The person who LOOKS like my man stands behind me while I'm losing energy and pounding on the wall halfheartedly with tears streaming down my face. He leans in close to my ear and very quietly and deliberately says "He'll never be able to see or hear who you are and what you need. He's blind to you..."

I woke up and told The Man. Tears in my eyes and a catch in my throat.

He didn't say anything.

I was ready to change my life to be with him. I told him that. And I wanted confirmation I was doing the right thing.

"I'm not in love with you. We should go our separate ways."

Those six words killed me. Slayed me. Destroyed me.

He had a horriffic car accident a few months ago. His accident changed him. He began to distance himself from everyone. Including me. I felt him slipping away. Becoming quiet which is so unlike his boisterous, happy self. He was severely depressed. Maybe he still is. He's still got a long way to go with recovery. And he feels like he should be doing it alone. Stoically. Bravely.  Stupidly.

I want to throttle his ass.

I told him I knew what he was doing. Protecting himself in the impenetrable fortress of his moody soul. He hates being vulnerable. He hates needing anyone. I've seen him cry. He denied it.

I'm head over heels in love with his stupid ass. Completely bonkers.

Why? Because when he isn't being stupid or withdrawn, stoic and brave, he's the most gracious and kind man. Biggest heart. Sweetest and funniest soul. And he needs me like I need him. I can sense it in the way he clings to me when we make love. When we sleep. When he doesn't know I'm watching. And sometimes when he doesn't realize he's let me into the fortress of solitude.

"I'm not in love with you", my ass...

I call him on it. Love doesn't happen in a vacuum. I'm not alone in this bullshit.

I hope he's as miserable as I am right now. Would serve him right...