"Thank you for shopping your Midtown Wal-mart"

"This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soulmate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about." ~Marilyn Monroe~

I suppose it shouldn't surprise me that a lost girl like Marilyn Monroe say something so profound that it is timeless, and it fits everyone. I always wondered how far she got on her own path to growth. And I wonder, had she been able to handle it, what she would have become.

I was a lost girl once. I only truly started my journey of personal growth in 2004, at the ripe old age of almost 30. I was spent. Used up. Lost and bewildered. With a heart so broken that I never thought I was going to recover. I was wrong, I would. I would have my heart broken again. Innumberable times over the years, and I still anticipate I have heartbreak left to face. I do so with a smile.

2004 was a horrendous year for me. I was angry. Hurt. Hating my life. Hating myself. We all have our misgivings about our lives, but I had it in my head that absolutely EVERYTHING was wrong with my life. I was correct in that assumption. And I was ready for a change. 

Decimated by the realization that aside from having my children (eldest son and daughter at that point), everything up until then may have been the wrong choice:

I was on the wrong path-drinking too much and doing nothing positive with my life. The only positive was that I was beginning to go through alcohol treatment because I was drinking too much;

I was married to the wrong man-it would be an understatement to say he wasn't a very nice person. I was terrified of him. Not because he hit me. He didn't, but sometimes I wished he would. His malfeasance was much more insidious and damaging than even I could comprehend at that time. He was toxic to me and was making me physically ill;

I was a horrible mother. Or, I felt I was. What mother allows abuse to happen around her children? He left them alone most of the time. But, it still happened around them. That single thing. Me allowing them to witness the abuse, plant that seed that it was okay in their minds, I will never forgive myself for. Or at least, I'll never forget that feeling of shame.

I had no idea at the time about the power that resides in each one of us. I was oblivious. My physical and emotional being hurt because I was denying myself the nourishment of my heart and soul. My inner self was emaciated while my outer self was bloated with pain. I was hemmoraging emotionally and dying a spiritual death and I had no way to stop it. 

The change came at the most unusual time in the most unusual place. It was in a Wal-mart while I was waiting for my Aunt. I was sitting on a bench near the exit after a long day at the treatment facility I was getting help from, unconsciously praying for some sort of sign from an otherworldly being because I didn't know how I would survive living with this open wound that was my life. I appealed to My Creator as I understood Him/Her/It to deliver me from the personal hell I had created in my mind, except I didn't understand My Creator at all. I doubted the existence of My Creator actually. My first mistake. I sat there surrounded by a flurry of activity and the beeps and shuffle of groceries and sundries being checked out at nearby registers in quiet agony. How in the world was I going to deliver myself from this hell? 

Suddenly I was suffused with a warmth that radiated from my heart and my forehead, and a calm descended in my ravaged heart and throughout my entire being. I felt at peace, and knew that the answers would come...but I just had to believe. In myself. My capabilities. My worth. My love. My entire being. My life. But most importantly, I had to believe in My Creator. Whatever that was.

Just then, over the store loudspeaker, one of the employees said something that still brings a smile to my face when I hear it. "Thank you for shopping your Midtown Wal-Mart".

There was my sign. And it was branded by Sam Walton. *chuckle* For whatever reason, that comforted me. I smiled and sought out my aunt.

Now, I'm not going to tell you the road I took after that was easy. It wasn't. I failed a bunch of times. At being a wife. An employee. A friend. A mother. A wife...no, I take that back. I failed at being HIS wife. I failed at being myself. I've also succeeded at many of the same things, minus the role of wife.

I've lived in relatively abject poverty. Been depressed. Been suicidal. Occasionally, with the Dreaded Ex...felt homocidal. Hopeless. Faithless. Fearful. Thought I was crazy...

But I've also realized I'm wealthier than I ever imagined I could be-in love and faith and friendship. Been happier than I ever imagined I could be. Loving everyone so much that I was filled to overflowing. Hopeful. Faithful. Strong and brave. But, I still think I'm crazy!

How did I make it through all this? With the love of my family. And friends. Some friends so special that they changed my life (but more on that later). I've fallen in love again. Fallen out of love again. Had my heart broken again. But the one thing I have been able to maintain throughout whatever happens to be going on in my life is that I am blessed. Beyond my wildest and most mundane dreams. I have people that love me. A wonderful family that supports my every endeavour. Amazing friends that spur me to continue to fight the good fight. A best friend, my soulmate- m'anam charaid-that has seen me through it all. And a great love that has settled into my heart, perhaps for all eternity. Love for myself. Finally.

So, I'll continue on. Messing up occasionally. Making the right decisions mostly. Falling in love-hopefully. Whatever I do, I'll do with a smile on my face and love in my heart. Because this is my life. As messed up or perfect as it has been, it's mine. No one else's. And I cherish every blessed moment of it. Come what may.