Ugh. Most people would be so shocked if they realized how much I wanted to give up on any dreams or aspirations I may have for myself or my family. And how frequently I want that these days. It's not like I'm so depressed that I'm having suicidial ideation or anything, but I'm discouraged beyond belief.
“A path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you . . . Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself alone, one question . . . Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't it is of no use.”
~Carlos Castaneda~
I WISH I could drop what my heart tells me. I'd be out of my place of employment so fast that I'd leave a vapor trail. It's not a good place for me. It's sucking the life out of me, stressing me out and disappointing me. I have been looking for a way out for months...
What do I want to replace it with? Working for myself. Spending more time with my children. Jump out of airplanes. Garden. Read. Work out. Sleep. Have time for dating. Have sex. Bake pies. Write. You know, the good stuff we're not supposed to be taking for granted in life.
It's days like today where I look at my dreams, aspirations and goals and am like...I'll never get this. Why? Because I feel like with every positive step forward I make, I get pushed two places back! I have lost interest in life! In the things that make me happy, in the things I enjoy. In striving to achieve success. You work so hard, so long...and you'll understand what I mean.
Single moms and dads everywhere understand how I feel. If you're not in the top few percent of those earners in the United States, chances are you understand struggle. Missed or late child support payments. Clothes and shoes that constantly need to be replaced. Glasses. Orthodontia. FOOD! That's a huge expense. Gas. Rent/mortgage. Insurance. School supplies. Childcare. Argh!
I wish it were all just a dream. I'd wake up to find that this struggle filled life isn't really mine, but I'm really a princess. Married to my perfect prince with 2.5 children and a dog and I never have to lift a manicured finger to do anything in my life!
But my life is more like how Jimmy Stewart felt in It's A Wonderful Life at the very end. He ended up being grateful for everything he had. I am too, but I'm so sick of the struggle. I know me not being around would affect the lives of many, but some days I just want to disappear. Like the Cheshire Cat does...the last thing you see is a smile.
Until then, I've got a client to get to.
Until then, I've got a client to get to.
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