" “Succeeding,” whatever that might mean to you, is hard, and the need to do so constantly renews itself (success is like a mountain that keeps growing ahead of you as you hike it), and there’s the very real danger that “succeeding” will take up your whole life, while the big questions go untended."
~George Saunders~
There was a time when success to me meant making gobs of money. And I did make gobs of money at several points in my life. It was no problem for me to buy what I wanted, do what I wanted and go where I wanted. I didn't realize at the time that money doesn't always last and it doesn't mean as much as the things that have no price. Let's face it, given the choice between working your ass off and barely scraping by, or working steadily and not having to worry about whether or not you are going to make rent next month, I'd take the former over the latter any day.
However, success for me now has no monetary value, no magic number that would make me "comfortable", or no new tax bracket to fit into. Success for me now means something entirely different.
Success for me now means the freedom to choose what I want to do for a living, the freedom to raise my children by actually being there for them instead of having someone else care for them day in and day out, and to have the security to take time off if I need to. Success for me means that I live life on my terms, doing the things I love with the people who mean the world to me. Success is having to answer only to myself in my performance, my schedule and determining not only who and how long I work for someone, but determining my worth as well.
We all want to achieve success in some measure. For each of us it means attaining or achieving a favorable or desired outcome in something that you do. My desired outcome is to achieve more quality of life. Economy of motion in all my actions. Expedient results. Authenticity in my relationships-both personal and professional. Satisfaction in a job well done. Maintaining a schedule that allows for work that is concentrated in pockets of time during my children's school days, and as little time away from them as possible. A favorable outcome would mean that I would have actual free time...down time...time off. Not having to work every single day of every week.
For some people, you might wonder...how in the world is it possible to have to work every day of every week? Well, for a woman like me it means that I try to live my life completely self-sufficient of any assistance. I pay my way. I work my ass off to make sure I can care for my children. When my husband and I got divorced, I made a promise to myself that I would depend on no one ever again. Not in any meaningful way. Not for financial security. Not for emotional security. Not for anything.
It's funny. I couldn't get assistance even if I tried anyway. That's the part of life that is ironic. Those of us on the cusp that work harder to feed our families get penalized for working harder by the government or agencies that are there to "help". That's why there are so many of us who are just one paycheck away from homelessness. One paycheck away from hunger. One paycheck away from poverty. We constantly are hustling to make sure we don't get sick, hurt or jobless. For some of us, that means we take any job we can. When we can't take a job that provides basic securities like insurance, retirement funds and the ability to make deposits into savings, it means we are constantly gambling with our safety nets. We have none.
So, I work every day. Every day of every week. And do so with enthusiasm. Why? If you look in the faces of my children, you see the belief they have in me. That I will take care of them. Support them.
Protect them.
Sometimes, I don't even feel like I can protect myself, let alone three people who believe in my abilities as a parent and a working adult. I look at my children and wonder if their belief in me is deserved. I wonder if they are believing in a lie.
As I told my mother the other day on the phone. There are so many people who believe in my abilities that I feel like I can't give up because I'll let so many people down. Sometimes that is the only thing that is keeping me going. When I look in my pocketbook and realize how little I have to keep me afloat.
School supplies. School clothes and shoes. Rent. Gas. Bills.
Food.
Food.
Food.
I wonder how much longer I will have the will to keep going. Keep moving. Keep hustling.
Yes, success is something that we all chase. For different reasons. For some it's to gain entrance into a golden life. For others, it's just to be able not to worry about having the means to feed our children.
Success. It's hard. It's like a shadow you chase. It is always around you, but it's not always tangible. When the weather rolls in...and the storm clouds hide the sun, you lose the shadow of success you're chasing. You get drenched. Cold. Lose momentum. But the sun always comes out, right? And you can chase your shadows again.
I plan on becoming like Peter Pan. Maybe someone can sew the shadow of success on my feet so we won't be separated. So I can stand on success. Even on rainy days.
Yes, succeeding is hard. But giving up will be infinitely harder in the long run. It may take me my whole life to achieve it. But chasing the kind of success I long for...to make my life and my children's life better. To attain quality of life. To become more self-sufficient. To never have to depend on another soul for security. It's worth it. Even if the cost is I don't get a chance to answer the big questions. Because life...it's the ultimate big question. And my life is all about my children. So in a sense, I've already achieved my success. I just need to work on the security portion.
However, success for me now has no monetary value, no magic number that would make me "comfortable", or no new tax bracket to fit into. Success for me now means something entirely different.
Success for me now means the freedom to choose what I want to do for a living, the freedom to raise my children by actually being there for them instead of having someone else care for them day in and day out, and to have the security to take time off if I need to. Success for me means that I live life on my terms, doing the things I love with the people who mean the world to me. Success is having to answer only to myself in my performance, my schedule and determining not only who and how long I work for someone, but determining my worth as well.
We all want to achieve success in some measure. For each of us it means attaining or achieving a favorable or desired outcome in something that you do. My desired outcome is to achieve more quality of life. Economy of motion in all my actions. Expedient results. Authenticity in my relationships-both personal and professional. Satisfaction in a job well done. Maintaining a schedule that allows for work that is concentrated in pockets of time during my children's school days, and as little time away from them as possible. A favorable outcome would mean that I would have actual free time...down time...time off. Not having to work every single day of every week.
For some people, you might wonder...how in the world is it possible to have to work every day of every week? Well, for a woman like me it means that I try to live my life completely self-sufficient of any assistance. I pay my way. I work my ass off to make sure I can care for my children. When my husband and I got divorced, I made a promise to myself that I would depend on no one ever again. Not in any meaningful way. Not for financial security. Not for emotional security. Not for anything.
It's funny. I couldn't get assistance even if I tried anyway. That's the part of life that is ironic. Those of us on the cusp that work harder to feed our families get penalized for working harder by the government or agencies that are there to "help". That's why there are so many of us who are just one paycheck away from homelessness. One paycheck away from hunger. One paycheck away from poverty. We constantly are hustling to make sure we don't get sick, hurt or jobless. For some of us, that means we take any job we can. When we can't take a job that provides basic securities like insurance, retirement funds and the ability to make deposits into savings, it means we are constantly gambling with our safety nets. We have none.
So, I work every day. Every day of every week. And do so with enthusiasm. Why? If you look in the faces of my children, you see the belief they have in me. That I will take care of them. Support them.
Protect them.
Sometimes, I don't even feel like I can protect myself, let alone three people who believe in my abilities as a parent and a working adult. I look at my children and wonder if their belief in me is deserved. I wonder if they are believing in a lie.
As I told my mother the other day on the phone. There are so many people who believe in my abilities that I feel like I can't give up because I'll let so many people down. Sometimes that is the only thing that is keeping me going. When I look in my pocketbook and realize how little I have to keep me afloat.
School supplies. School clothes and shoes. Rent. Gas. Bills.
Food.
Food.
Food.
I wonder how much longer I will have the will to keep going. Keep moving. Keep hustling.
Yes, success is something that we all chase. For different reasons. For some it's to gain entrance into a golden life. For others, it's just to be able not to worry about having the means to feed our children.
Success. It's hard. It's like a shadow you chase. It is always around you, but it's not always tangible. When the weather rolls in...and the storm clouds hide the sun, you lose the shadow of success you're chasing. You get drenched. Cold. Lose momentum. But the sun always comes out, right? And you can chase your shadows again.
I plan on becoming like Peter Pan. Maybe someone can sew the shadow of success on my feet so we won't be separated. So I can stand on success. Even on rainy days.
Yes, succeeding is hard. But giving up will be infinitely harder in the long run. It may take me my whole life to achieve it. But chasing the kind of success I long for...to make my life and my children's life better. To attain quality of life. To become more self-sufficient. To never have to depend on another soul for security. It's worth it. Even if the cost is I don't get a chance to answer the big questions. Because life...it's the ultimate big question. And my life is all about my children. So in a sense, I've already achieved my success. I just need to work on the security portion.
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