Aging Gratefully

"When I was younger, I looked at getting older as this process of getting less interested in things and becoming colder, and of finding less joy in the mystery of things. And I've found the exact opposite to be true. I find that I'm getting warmer, and that I'm more mystified by human interactions." ~Jon Brion~

People tell me all the time I don't look my age. I am lucky. I really am blessed to have the combination of genes that I have and to have been given the gift of Grace with which I have been given to able to live my life on my terms. But, I'm very human. There are things I still have desires I cannot meet on my own, aspects of the human condition that we share with others that I crave...

Birthdays have been a very hard time for me to deal with the past few years. Harder than holidays, believe it or not. It's not because I'm getting older. There is no stopping that. I'll get older regardless of how much I fight it. I can do a lot to keep me from looking older, feeling older and behaving older...but I don't pretend to think I'll ever KEEP MYSELF from getting older. It's inevitable. It's something we all just have to accept.

I look in the mirror, and truly...I like what I am becoming. But...

My problem is that I never thought I'd be approaching the age I am..."alone". True, I do have my short people. But having short people around as you add another year getting closer to 40 as a woman isn't the same as being able to commiserate, be comforted and be supported by your partner. Mind you, I'm not 40 YET. I am JUST going to be turning 39. But it's still a hard pill to swallow.

I hate that I'm going here, but...

When the Dreaded Ex turned 40, we were still married. I threw him a surprise party. Invited his friends, family and co-workers. Ordered a huge, gaudy personalized banner just for him. Secured a venue I thought he might feel comfortable and enjoy. Got some food together. Ordered ridiculous gifts for him. Made a big production of it. He had no idea. It was one of the happy memories I have of our time together. He felt special. Pampered. Remembered.

It's that sort of thing that I have never had. The big production. Any birthday get-together's that I can remember that I've had while I was with him or while were were married, I did a fair share of the preparation for it. So, it isn't like I would be missing something HE did.

Ugh. I keep this up, and I'll be maudlin.

It's my stupid vanity. The knowledge that I won't be in my 30's very much longer that is grating on me. Again, not for the reasons you'd think...

Turning 39 for me soon is a reminder that soon my body won't be able to produce a child, should I want one. I don't know that I would want another baby so late in my life, but losing that possibility rankles me in such a way that it is shaking the core of my womanhood. Having children has been one of the most singularly satisfying experiences I've been lucky enough to have. And soon enough, my body won't be able to produce one. 

Losing this ability is something I am already beginning to mourn. Which is made all the funnier, because I would never bring a child into this world without being in a committed relationship and most probably married.

My shortest person, who is six and a half firmly believes that I am going to have another baby. The last conversation I had with him about it went something like this:

"Mom, when you have another baby..." 

I interrupted him. "Doodle, there are things about having babies that women need to have. Like I would need to be married to a Daddy for this baby, or have a boyfriend I loved very much." 

Doodle stares at me and blinks innocently. 

"Doodle, I would need to have a man to make a baby." I say. 

Doodle looks at me, and in a matter of fact way just says, "Oh...well. Then get a man."

Oh, how I wish it were that easy. It's the same way I hope not to dispel the hope I see in my daughter's eyes when I tell her that I can find "the penguin" that she so longingly hopes I will find. I think she hopes that I will find my "penguin" because - since the divorce - she's been questioning if she will someday find hers. I want her to believe she can and will. I DO believe that for her.

She is happy I'm seeing men. She wants me happy. She wants to think that even after such tragic endings in love, there can be new beginnings and I will not take that belief away from her, even if I don't necessarily believe it myself.

I find that the complexity of human relationships is not true just for myself and the men I've gotten involved with, but with the truth for human beings everywhere.

I want. I need. I feel. I love.

Those are things we all have within ourselves. Whether or not we find those things, are things that need to be seen for ourselves. How we relate to those things, how we carry those feelings and basic human needs out is up to us to define.

Those shared nuances of each of our subconscious hearts, the need to be accepted and be loved for who we are, fascinates me. I want desperately to understand and be able to apply what I've learned about myself and others in my own relationships. I want to make them something that is exclusively mine and my beloveds . I do feel that someday, maybe soon...maybe much later, if I am able to apply what I've learned...then perhaps the relationships I am a part of will become less mystifying and more magical. 

Idealist that I am. Romantic at heart. Crusty, cynical shell protecting the soft, gooey center.

“Because life is short. I feel we’re made of a hunger, a desire for life – if that can be described as a material. As I get older, I’m trying to open that channel more. If you don’t, if you close off desire and get complacent, life loses its freshness and sweetness, and that’s what I crave. That’s my bliss." ~Sarah Slean~

It's difficult to realize that all the things you do to "protect yourself" really keep your potential and your partners encapsulated into impenetrable little bubbles. It's so easy to say "I can allow myself to open up, be vulnerable." In reality, it's much harder than it seems. 

But, life isn't always about not being alone. The past few years have taught that to me. Life is about the small things, the victories against the challenges that bring joy to you and yours. We desire. We hope. We hunger. May we never be without those things. Because they are the impetus to make us move, make us grow, and allow us to give freely the things we try so hard to protect. 

Life and love are sweet.  I don't ever want to forget that. No matter my current lament of being alone, or my impending change into yet another era of my human-hood. The REAL-ationship we all crave begins with ourselves. To close off the possibilities is to close off your ability to experience and appreciate life as you were meant to live it. 

My friend N. and I were talking about this. He is one of my sounding boards. He helps me through the maze that is my mind and the uncharted territory that is my heart. He's a seeker. He's a sage. He's my conscience. And safety. What he has told me was:


"I would hope you can just let life happen. And if its time for you to have another love, it just will."

Through no conscientious guidance and no amount of orchestration. Just like that. Let life happen. And age GRATEFULLY and gracefully.

My birthday will be a celebration this year. Of myself. And the painful miracle that began on the date of my birth into this schoolyard of life. 

May each passing year, hereafter, be filled with mystery, unquenchable thirst for the sweet nectar of experience, unassaugable hunger for joy and delight, and the confidence that whatever I face, I don't face alone.

Misguided Mid-Night Musings of a Melancholy Mother

"This is how you lose her. 

You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely. 

You must remember when she forgets.

You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention. 

She remembers when you forget. 

You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good. 

You must learn her. 

You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to. 

You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept. 

And, this is how you keep her."    ~Author Unknown~

I'm notorious for being wide awake when I have no desire or need to be. Why? Hell if I know. It's always been this way. What do I do when I'm sleepless in a quiet house at some ungodly hour? If I'm not able to sleep, I'm researching, reading or just fiddling around on the computer.

Tonight I was reading stuff, much as I often do. I blame the candy I had earlier. I don't eat candy often. But what did I do tonight? Had THREE pieces of this otherworldly confection my favorite client gave me that should, by all rights, be illegal .And it led me to have eyes that won't shut and energy that would make the Energizer Bunny envious.What did I happen to find on my internet search tonight? That massive quote.

It made me cry.

I know, I know...it's sappy. Considering how I've felt about relationships in general, it's no wonder I'm surprised I cried reading it. It's a quote. But, it makes sense. I'm trying very hard to remain cynical about relationships after everything I've been through and everyone I have met. Actually, I've been re-evaluating my stance on them lately. I've realized something.

Relationships aren't something you have a cookie cutter for. There is no magic recipe for the perfect relationship. I'd like to give a swift kick in the ass to every asshole storybook maker and fairy tale writer and every Disney storyline creator for giving anyone the idea that we can have a storybook romance. We can't. The ideal we have as little girls for what we should expect out of them is not realistic. Relationships are hard. Very, very hard. Why? Because we people are fucking idiots about them most of the time.

 So, I thought about what a happy little princess I am romantically. (sarcasm...get some) What do I do that makes my unique shade of dysfunction worth someone's time?

• I push people away when I think they're going to get too close or they are going to hurt me.
• I hurt them first if I think they're going to hurt me (thank you Dreaded Ex for making me believe it's normal for people to hurt one another. Purposefully.).
• I have a hard time believing someone would want to get saddled with my particular brand of dysfunction.
• I have an even harder time believing someone would love the body I have disliked for so long (body image issues, big shocker).
• I can be selfish.
• I have twinges of jealousy I didn't know I had.
• I don't want to be possessed, but I want you to feel possessive.
• I want sex. Even when you don't.
• I get a little hard to live with when I'm hormonal.
• I expect a lot out of someone. I have high standards. 
• I want to be adored. Completely. Spoil me. Shower me with affection. Treat me like the Queen I am.

Just to make things interesting, I think we all should come with these disclaimers.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Oh. Here's my card."

Trading dating cards. It's gonna catch on.

I can see the CAREER HIGHLIGHTS of some:

• Commitment issues 
• Insecure around prettier women
• Jealous of your job
• Obsessive

Ha! Wouldn't that be something? I don't need a trading card. I just need to give my guys a fair shot.

And, per some good friends advice, I'm going to give the men in my life the opportunity not to screw up, but the chance to do right. I know a couple really want the opportunity to do so.

"Who the hell do you think you are?!?" "ME? Don't you KNOW who I am?"

“Meaning and morality of One's life come from within oneself. Healthy, strong individuals seek self expansion by experimenting and by living dangerously. Life consists of an infinite number of possibilities and the healthy person explores as many of them as possible. Religions that teach pity, self-contempt, humility, self-restraint and guilt are incorrect. The good life is ever changing, challenging, devoid of regret, intense, creative and risky.”
~Friedrich Nietzsche~

Every once in a while, I'll have an attack of morality. I woke with a start this morning at 4 am with the thought "Who the HELL do you think YOU ARE?!?" My inner Sunday school teacher was standing with her hand on her hip and wagging a finger at me, frown lines pinched together tightly between her eyebrows and was reprimanding me vigorously.

Yes, I know...it sounds a little strange that the facets of my personality have their own identities and I can see them pretty clearly. But that's how it is with me.

I feel a bit cowed. I have never liked my internal Sunday school teacher. She's a mean, judgmental and elitist little bitch. For years, that part of was me was strong. Being a good little Catholic school-girl, that part of me was encouraged and cultivated to the point I felt guilty about just about everything. My choices. My desires. My impulses. Sex. Especially sex.

My inner Sunday school teacher is no fun. I'm not bad. I'm good. I've just been allowing myself a little more freedom lately. 

So, waking up with that part of me castigating me for my choices the past few months was not only unexpected, it was downright disturbing.

It has taken me YEARS to get to a place that I felt that I was finally comfortable with myself. My body. My looks (yes, believe it or not, I hated the way I looked). My thoughts. My sexuality. And when I finally got comfortable, I realized that for most of my life, I was in the wrong place, definitely with the wrong person and I had built this life around me that was making me unhappy and sick.

So, aside from some things about my life that I cannot change, being able to explore the side of me that I gagged, bound and suppressed for so long has been enormously gratifying and cathartic to me. My inner hedonist is reveling in my freedom. I'm not unhappy anymore. I am actually wanting to give myself permission to be happier.

I still find things that I didn't realize I had hang-ups about in myself. Things that when I discover them, rub me the wrong way because I know that they are just the last traces of that "other" life. 

I agree completely with what Nietzsche said EXCEPT living dangerously or being risky. I can't do that. I will push myself though. Much like anything else you think you can't do, it takes patience and practice and a whole lot of coaching the first few times. I know I won't kill my hang-ups overnight. It took a long time to develop them, and I've lived with them for the better part of 39 years.

My understanding about myself is growing. That brings me a measure of satisfaction. What is it that Percy Cerutty said about growth? "You only ever grow as a human being if you're outside your comfort zone". The funny thing is, is that the comfort zone I THOUGHT I lived in isn't right...

Have you ever been so wrong about what truly IS your comfort zone that when you find what you're comfortable with you're blown away by its intensity? I'm looking at my entire life now and wondering if I've been living as authentically as I should be...if I was wrong about what I really am comfortable with, then I could be wrong about a lot of other things...things I'm not just uncomfortable with, but REALLY fucked up over. THAT thought both exhilarates and scares me senseless.

Especially thinking that I may be wrong about relationships. Maybe I'm NOT so damaged that I could feasibly have what I thought I couldn't. Maybe it wasn't me, it was really him (GIGGLE that line is going to make me laugh all the time now)...maybe I don't need to be so driven by rules that I can allow myself something I thought I'd never have. A REAL-ationship. THAT right there is a scary thought!

My friend Tara and I were talking recently. I was telling her that I've been wondering if I'm doing the right thing in regards to allowing myself to date more than one person at a time, if she thought I was too fucked up to have a real relationship. I told her I was getting really sick of having men asking me out for the wrong reasons, that I get tired of them being fixated on what I look like because that's all they seem to talk to me about. I asked her to be blunt and tell me what she thought. She surprised me:

"You are a force of nature, no one is going to tame that, you would just shred them. But anyone accepting that, diving into the hurricane and not fighting it is in for a ride. Maybe you spit them out broken, or just move on. You leave them changed. You are beautiful, primal, fierce and even knowing that, people still come to you. The Goddess courses through you. I know that whoever tries to contain you wont manage, even if it is yourself. I know that these men have more than lust for you, there is plenty of that, but their feelings run calmer and deeper for you than that."  

What she said blew me away. It's not the first time that someone has said something similar TO me, ABOUT me. That's another "comfort zone" I'll have to address. Accepting that having more than a few people, who DON'T know each other, and saying the same thing about me MAYBE see something that I don't acknowledge about myself. I know I probably am very very wrong about men, I know that I've gotten very cynical as to why they want anything to do with me, and that those that are in my life right now want to do more than "building the fire"...but I think I'll save that box to open another time. Until then, I'll continue to be kind to myself and give myself solace with this thought about expanding my comfort zones:

“If all the world hated you and believed you wicked, while your own conscience approved of you and absolved you from guilt, you would not be without friends.” ~Charlotte Brontë~

Leaving on A Jet Plane...

"Children of Happiness are not like ordinary children. You can tell one of the Children of Happiness by the way it is different. 

A Child of Happiness always seems like an old soul living in a new body, and her face is very serious until she smiles, and then the sun lights up the world. You look at the eyes of a Child of Happiness and you know the child knows everything that is truly important. Children of Happiness always look not quite the same as other children. They have strong, straight legs and walk with purpose. They laugh as do all children, and they play as do all children, they talk child talk as do all children, but they are different, they are blessed, they are special, they are sacred.

They are to be cherished and protected, even at the risk of your life. They will know sadness, but will overcome it. They will know alienation for they see past and through this reality. They will endure where others cannot. They will survive where others cannot. They know love even when it is not shown to them. They spend their lives trying to communicate the love they know."

~Anne Cameron, Daughters of Copper Woman~

Sitting at Point Woronzof watching the planes land and take off while we ate a to go meal for dinner, I was speaking to my daughter about a number of things. Her day, life in general, what she wanted to do with school, our family, relationships, and then the conversation turned to issues that pertain to becoming an adult. In her case, becoming a woman. 

She is at a time in her life where she is evolving. Quickly. Transitioning from a girl into a woman before my eyes. Not puberty. She's gone through that years ago. She is maturing. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually. She is seeking answers on things that matter. It is a time that can be confusing and one fraught with fear, some pain and frustration. 

I know I have a limited time to speak to her about changes before she continues and finds herself smack dab in the middle of some big ones herself. I want all my short people to be able to talk to me about how they feel, what they're going through, and be able to ask questions of me when it comes to hard stuff...

I spoke to her about the evolution of people into adulthood, women in particular. She is a singularly remarkable girl. So, I knew I could speak to her with candor. 

I told her that sometimes when one is "becoming" it can be an uncertain time. Especially if your being is larger than you know how to handle or know what to do with. She asked what I meant.

I explained to her that you have different kinds of people. People who will always and forever be happy and content just with what they have. They don't aspire to me more than what they are. Their transition is an easy one. It's not a big deal, because what you see with them is pretty much what you get. I told her it's like walking on the beach to get from one end to the other. It might seem like a long way, but you see where you started, and you see where you will end up. It's comforting for those people. But, I told her, that there are "other" people...people destined for greater things than just sitting on the beach where they came from.

A person destined for great things will have a more difficult time in "becoming", have more challenges, seemingly go through more painful moments. I told her she is a person destined for great things. She liked that.

I told her each of us has the capacity to use pain and fear as tools for growth. Some people never understand or know this. Other people find out the hard way. And some, are attuned enough to understand this from the very beginning. She is one of those people.

I saw the quizzical look on her face, and just then a large passenger jet took off overhead. I smiled.

I told her that unlike the people who evolved like a walk on the beach, you have people who are going on this incredible journey. As a deeply evolving human being it is a difficult time of growth and change. A time when you don't know quite what to make of life or yourself. You don't know who you are supposed to be. Or how you're supposed to get there.

I likened it to getting on a jet plane. You get on this plane knowing where you began and kind of have an idea of where you want to go, but you can't see your destination from your point of origin. You just know to get there that you have to trust your pilot, and be ready for anything. Adventure. Mishaps. Delays. Being re-routed. Mechanical breakdowns. Irate fellow travelers. Uncomfortable seats. Cramped quarters. A lot of other travelers who may or may not know what they're doing. Some are going for work. Some for fun. I explained that the best part of this "trip" IS the journey. Each leg of this journey, you pick up souvenirs, supplies and sustenance...you meet people and "collect" things that help you continue on. My daughter's interest was piqued and I had her full attention.

The thing with journeys like this, is that you have to have faith that although you cannot see your final destination, you know you will get there. And just enjoy what you have going along. You have the tools to enjoy this journey inside you, take note of what you learned along the way and the guide with whom you can check with in case you get lost or waylaid along the way.

I told her at this point that she is such a traveler. She seemed pleased.

I look at my daughter and am amazed. She's always been a child whom is more deeply involved. She watches. She observes. She takes in. She can be a child of great mystery to me. Her thoughts, actions and heart are so open and accepting, it's profound being around her. Each of my children actually. They are like me...a child of happiness...indigo children...

What are indigo children?

"The indigo child is here to bring us closer to our true essence. We think our minds are separate because of our bodies. These children know differently. A true indigo travels comfortably between worlds usually at night when we think they're asleep.
Our thoughts and feelings are not our own. The truth is, we have forgotten who we are and how our minds are connected to each other. indigo children remember and have an inner knowing that far exceeds our psychic abilities. 

Having said this. Not all children born since about 1980 are indigos. Many brought major challenges from previous lifetimes they're still working through. But, once the lessons are learned and the patterns forgiven, they will join the ranks of the cosmic caring indigo. 

Indigo children are not freaks of nature. They represent a giant leap in our own evolution of consciousness. Many indigos are psychic either through dreams or awake. The one underlying reality about these special children is they know they are here to change the world into a better place. 

Many indigo children just don't fit with kids that are considered "normal" by adults. But usually they are respected for their powerful sight, kindness and strong caring. If another child is having difficulty, often an indigo child will inform parents or teachers of this problem before it even occurs. They pick up on other people’s feelings. 

Indigo children live in the present moment, are guided by a higher power, and have a mission they are driven to accomplish. 

The spirit world responds to these children, because unlike their parents, they are open to this other dimension, and trust they will be okay. 

The children realize that "thoughts are things"...as you think so shall you be...literally. 

What we do here on earth affects other planets and beings. This is most likely why the indigo children say other beings care deeply about us, and want to help us overcome our destructive ways. All things are made of energy and it’s the same energy here as it is in the entire universe. Quantum Physics confirms this. 

When you think about it, how could our actions and thoughts NOT affect the whole. Think of it like a body. When you burn yourself, your finger hurts, but your entire body is affected and aware of that burn. It's the same in the universe. We are after all just a small part of the ONE...the collective consciousness of the universe. 

Indigo children are here to teach unconditional love. This is a reoccurring theme. 

We are all different. We all have a different purpose on earth. But, that purpose is ultimately the same...to live in unconditional love, peace and harmony. Why are we here? To learn what it means to truly love each other and ourselves.

 " ~Sandra Weaver~

Before you start thinking, "Oh, she's off her rocker...into all this new-age mumbo jumbo." Think about it this way. We need guides. We need people we can turn to and ask the hard questions. We need people that can see the struggle that we all go through and help to understand the struggle. Some of us don't know where we get this information, but we have it. I've been told since I was a very little girl, that I am special. I am different. I'm old beyond my years. There are things that I remember that I have no business remembering. 

This is why I told my daughter sometimes it's difficult when your being is larger than you know how to handle or know what to do with. It's a difficult thing to know you have something very different about yourself. It's a burden at times to feel so deeply, to be so sensitive you can feel what others feel, a great responsibility not to use your ability to make people feel what you want them to. But it can be a beautiful thing to understand that you have the ability to make people understand things about themselves they have a hard time articulating. I won't say I'm entirely comfortable knowing this about myself. And it's not like we have super-powers. We're just more sensitive. 

We all can be like this to some degree.My children are very much like that. And we are all such travelers. There are those of us who understand things about these journeys, not because we know everything, but we know what's important to learn about them...and to pass them on. 

As a mother, it's my job to make sure my children have what they need to accept their special gifts with grace. To make them understand that it doesn't have to be an uncomfortable thing to go on this journey. That every time they see a jet plane take off and land or walk on the beach at Point Woronzof, they remember that it's okay to be different and it's okay for them to not know where they are going. As human beings that's all we want. To know we're going to be okay.

Let me tell you today, right now. You're going to be okay. If you're afraid of your journey, remember that there are a ton of us taking that journey right there with you. Don't be afraid to talk about yours. You may unwittingly help someone else become more at ease about their own journey by sharing some of yours. As I tell my children, the scary things in your life don't have power over you if you can bring them out in the light and talk about them. They lose their power when they are shared. Then there are better things that take over, some things that grow when shared. Understanding. Love. Compassion. Trust. Bonds of friendship. Kinship.

That's what part of this journey is all about. To share. To grow together. To love. 

"Final boarding call for your journey."

Don't worry about being ready to go. You're already on your way. You're already leaving on your jet plane...

Courage

“You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.” 
~Oscar Wilde~

There was a time that I would have been terrified to make decisions because I would be worried of what I thought other people would think of me. Worried about image. Worried about not being thought of well.

Then something remarkable happened. I stopped caring about what other people thought of me and began to care more about how I felt about myself. Best. Decision. Ever.

Not to say that it's not important to live up to the expectations you've agreed to live up to in your life. As a parent. A sibling. A child. An employee. A business owner. A friend. But you can do things on your terms. You can live your life authentically.

There were a period of years when I would rather lie about the state of my life than face the harsh truth or expose it to everyone else. Truths that maybe I wasn't the best daughter, sister, friend, wife and mother. Truths about my ex, truths about my family. I hid my unhappiness, the feelings I had about the Dreaded Ex's behavior, the feelings I had about my own. I felt that if I told the truth my carefully constructed world of deceit about my "happy" life, I would collapse and so would my life.

My little family and I worked hard to overcome that. It's not been easy. Having to muddle through the mess that was made in the 18 or so years of me being married was staggeringly difficult. Debilitating. Paralyzing. I didn't know where to start.

So, I started with the hardest thing. Me.

I have always been a good girl. Not to say I haven't explored and experimented with "stuff" because I have. I mean, who hasn't? But I have maintained quite a few key morals and values that I was taught growing up regardless of what I've gotten into. Being raised in a Catholic family didn't seem to help me either. Morals AND guilt, all rolled up into my subconscious. Joy...

But, I've become brazen and ballsy in my new era of freedom. I don't look at "sin" as I had before. There is still right and wrong to me, but the lines for what I can construe as a sin are different. For me, sin is something that isn't easily forgivable. I can't exactly say that my true nature is filled with sin. It's not. I'm moral. I don't do things that would be considered serious transgressions.

Merriam Webster defines Sin as: 

1

a : an offense against religious or moral law

b : an action that is or is felt to be highly reprehensible <it's a sin to waste food>

c : an often serious shortcoming : fault

2

a : transgression of the law of God

b : a vitiated state of human nature in which the self is estranged from God

Nothing I do would be considered sins in the strictest sense. But, I've become free-er in my choices. Less judgemental of others. I think it's become less what I would conceive as something bad, instead I feel that most people look at what they want out of life and are things that you, as a human being, can live with.

I want to look back at my life and say "I wasn't afraid to try. I allowed myself to become vulnerable. I wasn't afraid to get out of my comfort zone."

Dating men who are younger. Dating men who are older. Allowing myself to experience things I never would have done in my overly structured life.

Why are these things we fear? The most memorable things we have in life aren't always the safe thing. The most memorable people in our lives, are those we aren't afraid to allow close to us although there is a chance we may get hurt. The things we find we are capable of are things we haven't always been able to do because we fear the unknown.

I want to be able to look at everything I do and KNOW I had the courage to TRY. At least once.

A life of regret is one wasted. Everything we experience is something we can learn from or can be an opportunity to learn something about ourselves.

Never be fearful of the unknown. The greatest discoveries are those that took courage. Never be afraid to "sin". Be afraid you don't get a chance to LIVE and learn.

Worship of a Mother Goddess...

“Being single won’t make you happy. Dating someone won’t make you happy. Being married won’t make you happy. Being a parent won’t make you happy. Divorcing won’t make you happy. The only thing that can make you happy is your choice to be happy…” ~Gamal Hennessy~

When I was a little girl, I never had it in my head that I would ever be a single mother. In fact, I swore I would never get married. Or if I DID get married, I swore I'd never get divorced. And hell if I was going to have kids...or maybe I'd have six. I can go back and forth on it forever.

A typical day in my life has me getting up super early and getting to bed late MOST of the time. A lot of days I feel like how the Hindu Goddess Kali is depicted-with multiple arms and is the fierce picture of maternal power and dissolving of attachments to all things like most mothers I know tend to do. Woman Warrior. Proudly hopeful that we are stripped of all pretense of illusion, fighting for the family. But, even Kali had to get so bone-weary tired of fighting that all she wanted to do is curl up in an undiscovered dark cave (or luxury hotel with spa) somewhere and just...hibernate?  

Yep, that's me. I want to hibernate. I'm tired of being the fierce woman warrior I need to be most days. I think I'm overextended. Have been for a long time. I don't like it. I don't want to be. But what I like and what I want have very little meaning in my life since I've had children.

I'd LIKE to spend some time doing something completely frivolous, NOT related to work and OUTSIDE OF MY HOME. I'd like to spend some time catching up with my girls, and not hurting my sister's or friends feelings because I am always working or always busy and never get to see them. I'd like to spend time cultivating the relationships that matter. AND I'd like to take an actual vacation- SANS CHILDREN! *GASP!* (Don't ever let anyone know that I would like time away from my short people...I can't possibly admit I'm human and need a break.)

I posted something on my personal FB page earlier this week with this quote:

“I'm about to make a wild, extreme and severe relationship rule: the word busy is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember men are never to busy to get what they want.” ~Greg Behrendt~

I don't know why I am so fixated on relationships lately. Maybe because I know I need to work on mine. With my family. With my friends. I don't intentionally try to be an asshole, but that's what it's coming down to. I am sick of it. Sick of feeling like I don't do enough to maintain my non-business relationships. Sick of always trying to justify that what I'm doing is for my little family's greater good when I just feel like a total bitch because I HAVE to work all the time and don't have the flexibility to do anything. I'm at a loss on how to fix my relationships without hurting my business though. Yes, me...Ms. Know-It-All at a loss for what the hell to do.

And what about my OTHER relationships? It's not that I want a romantic one...but I do. It's not that I'm lonely or needing companionship...but I am and do. It's not that I don't need time to decompress...I SO DO. It's not that I don't like dating...I enjoy it but I don't WANT to date. Will I ever have time to really find "my penguin", as my daughter calls having "my person"? Probably not. Why? Because I'm always working! I don't have a real relationship with anyone for the same reason I don't have a pet. I don't have the time to expend on taking care of it. I don't have the energy for one more thing. I don't have the inclination to begin something that will probably kill me if I lose any more sleep, or take time away from supporting my family to do so. And I'm afraid I'd have to kill my person, like Kali did Shiva, for not picking up his socks.

I'm a mess!

I watch those commercials with "the easy button" and I'm like, " I NEED one of those for my life!". I am so envious of those people in relationships...looking at my friends and family who have "their person". I know as a single woman I probably broke some unspoken code by saying I'm jealous, but...I am.

Even if you don't have the greatest relationship, you at least have someone you can bitch at about all the trivial shit you two have to do. "I had to pick up YOUR dry cleaning on my way home from work."   "You didn't wash out your coffee mug and the creamer and sugar congealed in the bottom and now it's a hard disc of milky stuff in the bottom of the mug. Thanks."  "You left your dirty socks on the floor...again." (Pictures of the Goddess Kali with her slain husband beneath her foot for not picking up his creepy socks in my mind).

Think about it this way. You and your person have someone as your back-up. Someone else can make you dinner when you're too tired or you've got too much work to do. Someone else can feasibly pick up the kids if you have to work late. Your combined incomes may not necessitate you having to work two jobs to take care of your household or family. Or if one of you doesn't work? Someone else can do some of the OTHER stuff you have to do AFTER you come home from one of your two jobs. You actually may have free time. You may actually have free time...together. You can feasibly have a date with someone you don't feel totally akward around the first few times. You can have sex. In your own home. Without the weirdness of knowing your short people know you're having sex. And if they know? They just think it's gross like short people do when their parents/parent and the parent's SO have sex. (This has never happened to me, BTW. Why? Because I don't let anyone close enough to bring home to meet the short people.)

So, the next time you want to complain and bitch about your person being a total douche for not doing something they were supposed to, or they did something trivial to piss you off? Remember that there are those of us without douche's in our lives to get pissed off at. Sometimes this is a good thing. A very, VERY good thing. And there are other times when even a douche that forgets to pick up their socks remembers to do it. And makes you dinner. So what if it is a lasagna from Costco. It's one less thing YOU had to do today.

My daughter is still hopeful that I'll find my penguin. My youngest is still hopeful I'll have a baby. These things may never happen in a million years. 

Perhaps I should be more like Kali. All the things in life that bring one sorrow or pain shouldn't be ignored. These things are a huge part of life. That's what makes the beautiful even more meaningful. Because we have these things. I have to understand that for me to be at peace with my freedom and the things in my life that I have to work so hard for, I can't long for the things that just aren't available to me right now. Whether that be time with the people I love and miss, or even "my person".

"Kali is Mother to her devotees not because she protects them from the way things really are but because she reveals to them their mortality and thus releases them to act fully and freely, releases them from the incredible, binding web of "adult" pretense, practicality, and rationality."

World War Three

“It’s taboo to admit that you’re lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven’t left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. Ha ha, funny. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you’re not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are.

A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn’t transition well to adult life, that you’d fall right through the cracks. And look at you now. La di da, it’s happening.

Your mother, your father, your grandparents: they all look at you like you’re some prized jewel and they tell you over and over again just how lucky you are to be young and have your whole life ahead of you. “Getting old ain’t for sissies,” your father tells you wearily.

You wish they’d stop saying these things to you because all it does is fill you with guilt and panic. All it does is remind you of how much you’re not taking advantage of your youth.

You want to kiss all kinds of different people, you want to wake up in a stranger’s bed maybe once or twice just to see if it feels good to feel nothing, you want to have a group of friends that feels like a tribe, a bonafide family. You want to go from one place to the next constantly and have your weekends feel like one long epic day. You want to dance to stupid music in your stupid room and have a nice job that doesn’t get in the way of living your life too much. You want to be less scared, less anxious, and more willing. Because if you’re closed off now, you can only imagine what you’ll be like later.

Every day you vow to change some aspect of your life and every day you fail. At this point, you’re starting to question your own power as a human being. As of right now, your fears have you beat. They’re the ones that are holding your twenties hostage.

Stop thinking that everyone is having more sex than you, that everyone has more friends than you, that everyone out is having more fun than you. Not because it’s not true (it might be!) but because that kind of thinking leaves you frozen. You’ve already spent enough time feeling like you’re stuck, like you’re watching your life fall through you like a fast dissolve and you’re unable to hold on to anything.

I don’t know if you ever get better. I don’t know if a person can just wake up one day and decide to be an active participant in their life. I’d like to think so. I’d like to think that people get better each and every day but that’s not really true. People get worse and it’s their stories that end up getting forgotten because we can’t stand an unhappy ending. The sick have to get better. Our normalcy depends upon it.

You have to value yourself. You have to want great things for your life. This sort of shit doesn’t happen overnight but it can and will happen if you want it.

Do you want it bad enough? Does the fear of being filled with regret in your thirties trump your fear of living today?

We shall see.”

~Ryan O'Connell~

[Saw this earlier and I was like "WHOA!?! I've felt like this before..." but I created the continuation of Ryan O'Connell's rant...the single parent version.]

I feel like this sometimes...like now...like right this very second when I am paralyzed with everything I am faced with in my life and have a list in front of me a mile long of things I need to do, a home full of responsibilities and I'm the starting line-up, the back-up AND the clean-up crew.

Especially on days when I come home to a kid fueled mess and I'm frustrated that I spent HOURS upon HOURS on my little time off cleaning and organizing only to have it become world war three yet again. Nothing takes the wind out of your sails more than being proud of your accomplishments only to have someone piss on it and treat it like it doesn't matter. It'd be like Tom Hanks creating fire in "Cast Away" and for it to start pouring down rain and putting out the fire immediately after. Welcome to Parenthood.

I just wanted to come home earlier and make dinner and enjoy time with my family, but no one did their chores and I didn't have what I need to make dinner...again. The little brat that lives inside my body was throwing a full on tantrum screaming "I DON'T HAVE TO DO IT!!! SOMEONE ELSE IS SUPPOSED TO DO IT!!! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!!" I don't want to do yet another thing that isn't my responsibility. Because that's me...that's all I freakin'do. Someone else's job. Part of my problem is that I am a care-taker. I take on cares of other people and shuffle my cares to the end of the line.

It's overwhelming sometimes. It's when I realize that there's not a damn person that is going to be helping me raise these kids with me that I get all bent out of shape. That was supposed to be the deal. I had a partner that is now helping to raise someone else's kids when all my short people have is me. It's great they have me, but who do I have?

I want  my person too, damnit! Someone to take care of that takes care of me right back. My someone to sleep with and wake up with and argue with about hogging the blankets. I can't do that because I'm too busy working and trying to raise happy, well adjusted children while cleaning world war three, I'm too busy to date or spend time with the someone I desperately want to and care for. I just want to have a normal relationship with someone...not stolen trysts when I can manage time away from my children.

I have a laundry list of rules that I always enforce because I am going to make sure my short people aren't introduced to another sociopath narcissist that they can't count on to stay in their lives. So, where does that leave me? Alone. LOL!!!

I laugh because it's making me crazy. Being the captain on a ship with no crew that feels like it's going nowhere. It's not lack of sex. It's missing human contact and a compassionate relationship with a mature individual whose entire being complements me on a mental, spiritual and emotional level. It's having someone to inherently understand my half sentences or looks or sounds. It's someone who I can say stuff like "Can you get me that thing I need for this? It's in that place that we did that thing that time." and they would understand exactly what I meant. What I hate is being alone, and knowing I am all alone and WILL BE alone for an indefinite amount of time

We're like pack animals. We need other people. It's why so many people look for love and will settle for anything they can get. But it's also why so many people stay alone. Fear that if they will have their person, it might not be the RIGHT person and it will be like you're alone and you're not. And us single parents? Who wants to invite someone that may not be the RIGHT person into your life to see that your short people can create apocalyptic size messes in an afternoon and you have absolutely no control over that? Not me.

Not entirely true. I have someone that I've known for a loooooooong time that knows me and my situation. He has been very patiently waiting for me to be ready to be ready. A few friends call him The Bodyguard because he's so controlled and so serious most of the time. He's very responsible, calm, mature, dedicated, loyal and adores me. I haven't introduced him to anyone because I wasn't sure if he was a keeper or not.

The Bodyguard scares me in a way. Why? He knows what I've been faced with and what I still face. He's undaunted. And he wants to ADD to the ranks with himself and yet another little war monger. But he's also safely ensconced in his happy little "I save other people" world a few hundred miles away for months at a time. So,I feel like I'm relatively safe...for now. For how long? Hell if I know!

Don't get me wrong. I value myself. I want great things in my life. I want MY person. It's not fear and regret that paralyzes me. It's the fact that I'll have to share world war three with someone else. And they'll actually like it.