Aging Gratefully

"When I was younger, I looked at getting older as this process of getting less interested in things and becoming colder, and of finding less joy in the mystery of things. And I've found the exact opposite to be true. I find that I'm getting warmer, and that I'm more mystified by human interactions." ~Jon Brion~

People tell me all the time I don't look my age. I am lucky. I really am blessed to have the combination of genes that I have and to have been given the gift of Grace with which I have been given to able to live my life on my terms. But, I'm very human. There are things I still have desires I cannot meet on my own, aspects of the human condition that we share with others that I crave...

Birthdays have been a very hard time for me to deal with the past few years. Harder than holidays, believe it or not. It's not because I'm getting older. There is no stopping that. I'll get older regardless of how much I fight it. I can do a lot to keep me from looking older, feeling older and behaving older...but I don't pretend to think I'll ever KEEP MYSELF from getting older. It's inevitable. It's something we all just have to accept.

I look in the mirror, and truly...I like what I am becoming. But...

My problem is that I never thought I'd be approaching the age I am..."alone". True, I do have my short people. But having short people around as you add another year getting closer to 40 as a woman isn't the same as being able to commiserate, be comforted and be supported by your partner. Mind you, I'm not 40 YET. I am JUST going to be turning 39. But it's still a hard pill to swallow.

I hate that I'm going here, but...

When the Dreaded Ex turned 40, we were still married. I threw him a surprise party. Invited his friends, family and co-workers. Ordered a huge, gaudy personalized banner just for him. Secured a venue I thought he might feel comfortable and enjoy. Got some food together. Ordered ridiculous gifts for him. Made a big production of it. He had no idea. It was one of the happy memories I have of our time together. He felt special. Pampered. Remembered.

It's that sort of thing that I have never had. The big production. Any birthday get-together's that I can remember that I've had while I was with him or while were were married, I did a fair share of the preparation for it. So, it isn't like I would be missing something HE did.

Ugh. I keep this up, and I'll be maudlin.

It's my stupid vanity. The knowledge that I won't be in my 30's very much longer that is grating on me. Again, not for the reasons you'd think...

Turning 39 for me soon is a reminder that soon my body won't be able to produce a child, should I want one. I don't know that I would want another baby so late in my life, but losing that possibility rankles me in such a way that it is shaking the core of my womanhood. Having children has been one of the most singularly satisfying experiences I've been lucky enough to have. And soon enough, my body won't be able to produce one. 

Losing this ability is something I am already beginning to mourn. Which is made all the funnier, because I would never bring a child into this world without being in a committed relationship and most probably married.

My shortest person, who is six and a half firmly believes that I am going to have another baby. The last conversation I had with him about it went something like this:

"Mom, when you have another baby..." 

I interrupted him. "Doodle, there are things about having babies that women need to have. Like I would need to be married to a Daddy for this baby, or have a boyfriend I loved very much." 

Doodle stares at me and blinks innocently. 

"Doodle, I would need to have a man to make a baby." I say. 

Doodle looks at me, and in a matter of fact way just says, "Oh...well. Then get a man."

Oh, how I wish it were that easy. It's the same way I hope not to dispel the hope I see in my daughter's eyes when I tell her that I can find "the penguin" that she so longingly hopes I will find. I think she hopes that I will find my "penguin" because - since the divorce - she's been questioning if she will someday find hers. I want her to believe she can and will. I DO believe that for her.

She is happy I'm seeing men. She wants me happy. She wants to think that even after such tragic endings in love, there can be new beginnings and I will not take that belief away from her, even if I don't necessarily believe it myself.

I find that the complexity of human relationships is not true just for myself and the men I've gotten involved with, but with the truth for human beings everywhere.

I want. I need. I feel. I love.

Those are things we all have within ourselves. Whether or not we find those things, are things that need to be seen for ourselves. How we relate to those things, how we carry those feelings and basic human needs out is up to us to define.

Those shared nuances of each of our subconscious hearts, the need to be accepted and be loved for who we are, fascinates me. I want desperately to understand and be able to apply what I've learned about myself and others in my own relationships. I want to make them something that is exclusively mine and my beloveds . I do feel that someday, maybe soon...maybe much later, if I am able to apply what I've learned...then perhaps the relationships I am a part of will become less mystifying and more magical. 

Idealist that I am. Romantic at heart. Crusty, cynical shell protecting the soft, gooey center.

“Because life is short. I feel we’re made of a hunger, a desire for life – if that can be described as a material. As I get older, I’m trying to open that channel more. If you don’t, if you close off desire and get complacent, life loses its freshness and sweetness, and that’s what I crave. That’s my bliss." ~Sarah Slean~

It's difficult to realize that all the things you do to "protect yourself" really keep your potential and your partners encapsulated into impenetrable little bubbles. It's so easy to say "I can allow myself to open up, be vulnerable." In reality, it's much harder than it seems. 

But, life isn't always about not being alone. The past few years have taught that to me. Life is about the small things, the victories against the challenges that bring joy to you and yours. We desire. We hope. We hunger. May we never be without those things. Because they are the impetus to make us move, make us grow, and allow us to give freely the things we try so hard to protect. 

Life and love are sweet.  I don't ever want to forget that. No matter my current lament of being alone, or my impending change into yet another era of my human-hood. The REAL-ationship we all crave begins with ourselves. To close off the possibilities is to close off your ability to experience and appreciate life as you were meant to live it. 

My friend N. and I were talking about this. He is one of my sounding boards. He helps me through the maze that is my mind and the uncharted territory that is my heart. He's a seeker. He's a sage. He's my conscience. And safety. What he has told me was:


"I would hope you can just let life happen. And if its time for you to have another love, it just will."

Through no conscientious guidance and no amount of orchestration. Just like that. Let life happen. And age GRATEFULLY and gracefully.

My birthday will be a celebration this year. Of myself. And the painful miracle that began on the date of my birth into this schoolyard of life. 

May each passing year, hereafter, be filled with mystery, unquenchable thirst for the sweet nectar of experience, unassaugable hunger for joy and delight, and the confidence that whatever I face, I don't face alone.