Taken from my personal Facebook Page, posted on September 21, 2016 · 

"Sometimes there's not a better way. Sometimes there's only the hard way."

~Mary E. Pearson~

Anything worth doing takes three things. Time. Passion. Dedication.

I should say there is a fourth thing. Follow through...

Passion can only take you so far. We are constantly battling time. And people seem to have subjective views on what dedication is. But follow through is everything. That can be the hardest.

Lucky for me, I am surrounded with people who hold me accountable to what I say I will do and what i will be doing. I really love that I agree to do things because I have things to hold me accountable to. For that, I'm grateful.

It can be draining...

BUT.

We have a limited time on this rock that hurtles through space and we should make the most of it. Whether we have had the best day imaginable, or a really discouraging one...we have been here. Doing. Being. And there's a good likelihood that we will be doing and being tomorrow. :)

And eventually, everything comes back around.

I was thinking of my work and sometimes...when I have a challenging day, or a challenging month, or several months, I get to thinking "Am I really making that much of a difference? Do I really have it in me to keep on doing this?" We all have those days. All of us.

I came to a conclusion.

We may not always feel what we do is enough. We may not always feel good about what we're doing. Some nights, we may be like..."WTF, Universe?!? Give me a break!"

BUT...what we do? It DOES make a difference. Maybe to one person. Maybe to a few. Maybe OUR passion ignites passion or inspiration in others. And THEN what we toil at begins to show that we are holding ground. That it's beginning to take shape into this thing we only dream of.

So keep doing. Keep being. Keep working. Find things that reignite your passion if it fizzles along the way. The way may seem hard and filled with obstacles sometimes. But, it is worth every second. Every backbreaking, heart wrenching, gut twisting second. Because someone's life may change because of your work. Someone's life may change because of you. Because you didn't stop doing. Being. Believing. Or working your ass off. Even though it was hard. Even though it's impossible. Even though you may feel alone.

Because succeeding the hard way gives us a satisfaction we'd never have otherwise.

Stars in their eyes...

Taken from my personal Facebook Page, post from October 12, 2016

"This woman is my salvation. She is my anchor in this world. “My angel,” I whisper to her, reminding her who she is to me."

~Abbi Glines~

Occasionally, we are privy to witness deep, abiding love incarnate. When you see two people look at one another that have given all of themselves to each other; struggle, joy, children, family, the mundane and the miraculous...it's almost like an intrusion of the most intimate nature of man and woman. Because it's real. It's there...this unattainable and almost mythical expression of devotion to another human being. Because it's meaningful in ways you hadn't experienced. It's not ephemerous. It's eternal.

I saw that today. And was humbled.

If so ever I find that kind of love, I would count myself the most fortunate on earth. People don't find that everyday. And they have it. For decades. Still as in love as the first day.

So to the man and woman I saw today who embody this...thank you.

You give us all something to aspire to.

Maybe, just maybe...we can all one day find the person who looks at us like we're a long cherished dream come true.

Look into the eyes of your love and seek the sparkle of the heavens shining brightly back at you.

___________________________________________________________________________

I didn't know this at the time I wrote this, but this would be one of those "ah-ha moments" that would make me reconsider my attestation that I would be single in perpetuity. I had already met The Man In My Life. We had been dating very quietly for a while. It was this yearning I felt looking at these two that I realized that a love like was what I wanted more than anything.

On occasion, he would say things that would make me speechless and take my breath away. I kept myself in suspended disbelief that I could find someone so seemingly right for me. He said all the right things. Things that I never thought I would hear coming from the mouth of a man I was involved with.
 

I never forgot this couple. Did they start like this? Did the aged husband and wife begin with moments that gave them pause? Did they come home from dates swooning over how great their date was? Did the memory of a kiss make the woman put her fingers on her lips and smile or sigh? Did they stay up late questioning whether or not this was "IT"?

I was completely enamored at this point. The endorphins were running high. It's not that they aren't now, it's just a different kind of endorphin rush. It's settled down, tempered with a great deal of security and comfort. Reading this, I remember just how dreamy I felt in those relatively early days of courtship. It makes me smile.

I highly recommend being in love. I think I get the looking into the depths of someone's eyes and seeing the Universe in all of it's glory. Because people in love...their eyes shine.

I may never have some of their memories of a lifetime together, but...it's early yet.

I'm still young...

Stay tuned, I guess. I'm just as excited and anticipating what comes next as much as my family and friends are. 

I want to go star gazing...in light eyes fringed with dark lashes.

Let It Start With Me And You

From my personal Facebook Page, post dated November 11, 2016

 

I have been thinking and praying on a few things this week. Thought I might share...

The election has definitely been part of what has been part of my thought process. I couldn't find the right words...

How do you find the words that express a myriad of feelings when so many people are hurting? Including yourself.

I speak about fear a lot. In how I have overcome my own shortcomings and gone onto success from failure. I speak about it from a perspective when I work with my people.

Fear is an emotion I tell people is an emotional indicator we are in new territory and we don't know how to handle it, because we have never experienced something before. Fear can be used as an impetus to change something that isn't working for us. I've used the energy that fear gives me to push myself through unknowns so that I can get to where I need to be from where I am. It's terrifying. And exhilarating and filled with relief when I reached my destination.

I spent a lot of introspective time because I needed to process some things.

With this election, we have seen fear in a lot of things, events, and definitely other people. The thing I prayed on the other night is understanding. I told myself to remove the emotion and get to the heart of what was impeding my understanding.

There's a lot.

I was reading articles trying to analyze the aftermath of the election.

Articles about how many people felt marginalized or separated and why.

Articles about why the electoral college doesn't work. I, personally, have thought it should be something that is re-evaluated to match our current times. Maybe it should. There's tons of information why it's in place. There's tons of information why it should be changed.

Articles for and against each candidate. Their spouses. The presidential predecessors. Digs and barbs at their character, their life choices, who they affiliate with, and how they got to where they are.

Articles about the protests. Articles about healthcare. Articles about peoples rights. Articles about American History. Articles from media people. Articles about articles. Ad nauseum. Ad infinitum.

What is the understanding that I got out of my reading? My conversations? My prayers? Thoughts?

I came up with this.

We all feel that marginalized in some ways whether we give voice to that feeling or not. Cultures. Ethnicities. Religious or spiritual practices. Gender and sexual orientation. Socio-economic backgrounds. Genders. Ages. Geographical origin. Regions. We all feel that people don't "get us". The "us" versus "them" mentality is old as time and is used to divide us and make us feel like we are superior in some way than someone else. To validate us. To validate our existence. To validate our beliefs.

The "us" versus "them" mentality has got to stop. It's divisive. It's hurtful. It does not good except make people feel like they don't belong. It also makes people feel like they are entitled because I'm a ___________ (see above list of qualifiers) and my opinion is right.

Here's the DL. WE. ALL. MATTER. Rich. Not so rich. Men. Women. Other. Hetero. Gay. Queer. Native. White. Black. American. Asian. Middle Eastern. European. Smart. Average. Democrat. Republican. (Insert qualifier here.)

Every single one of us on this planet wants to be loved. By their parent. Their spouse. Have their family (however that family is defined) respected and allowed to grow into the kinds of people we hope they will be. We want to take care of our families. We want to feed them, house them, clothe them, and give them something better than we had. We want them to understand God whatever name we happen to call the Divine Energy that is in everyone and everything. We all want to taste success of our own definition. We want to be comfortable.

Look at that person who you think is so different. UNDERSTAND THEY WANT THE SAME DAMN THING YOU WANT. Look at their children. Look at yours. Teach your children to treat each person they encounter with respect and teach them that if they don't understand the beliefs, culture, and lifestyle of this other person, that's okay.

As I've told my children, as I've told my students, and as I've told people when they need to listen...

The greatest thing we can do for one another is give each person the benefit of the doubt. To listen to one another. To care about their humanity. Because we each are just trying to do the best we can.

Where you can, educate.

Where you can, offer to help.

Where you can, serve.

Where you can, forgive.

Where you can, love.

Remember, we don't all have the same kinds of teachers. Let this time in history be a time we realize this. Not everyone will understand. Not everyone will evolve past their ego. Their upbringing. Their circumstances.

I am reminded today that the best way to encourage understanding is to communicate. Sometimes it is inconvenient. Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it hurts. But keep sharing. You should be kind with your words. Not because it's politically correct. But, because it's the right thing to do.

For me, what hurts is feeling hatred. For me, what hurts is feeling like I don't belong. For me, what hurts is feeling like my existence doesn't matter as much as someone else's. For me, what hurts is that my hard work will be ignored or dismissed. For me, what hurts is feeling impotent.

I have a sneaking suspicion that other people feel this way too.

Write what hurts. If not to share, than for yourself. Taking responsibility for your thoughts, your words, your actions and how you live your values is not a sign of weakness or vulnerability. It's a strength that few have.

I commit to being better. I don't intentionally hurt anyone. If I have hurt you, I apologize.

The election stuff will sort itself out. Humanity? That's our responsibility. Let it start with me and you.

Lucid Conversations in Dreams with the Mystics

From my personal Facebook page, post dated November 18, 2016

We are animals. Complicated, yes. Some of us animals with higher vocabularies or thought processes. Some of us who are connected to Spirit, Earth Mother, universal energy, celestial energy. Some of us who have gained understanding about human nature, the fragile and miraculous bodies we reside in, the complex nature of the human mind. Yet, we still are animals when it comes down to it.

When animals are threatened, they lash out. They attack. They defend against perceived threats. That's what is happening on this planet right now. People defending PERCEIVED threats. Some are very real threats like to their physical well being. But the ideas behind the physical threat is a perceived threat.

My messengers and helpers in my life and in my work are becoming very loud. Making themselves known and seen. Obviously. In broad daylight. Not just in FRONT of MY eyes (which happens all the time), but now also in front of my people's eyes. I try to downplay it, but when unseen forces are turning on equipment or asking me "how do you know that?" at work, I don't always have easy answers for them.

While most people aren't used to seeing or even have the experience in working with what I work with. It can be unusual acknowledging that things exist on different energetic planes when most don't understand that.

My helpers are making me very uncomfortable lately at work and I have been having deep "discussions" while my physical form is resting. They want to make themselves known and for me to listen.

Another "dream" last night.

Floating into space, hanging out with one of my helpers, we looked at the earth.

"You humans are very fragile creatures and make no sense. You attack another like animals, defending "your territory" based on ideas put in your heads by people who have the mistaken idea that our spirits can be controlled, that their ideas are better than anyone else's. These ideas are created to separate one another. Religion. A man made idea about "God" and spirit. No one has it right. Not even close...get down to the basic tenets of any of your religions. Be kind to one another. Do the right thing. Don't hurt one another in what you say or do. Defend your fellow man. Take care of your family. Teach your offspring to follow the same rules."

"But..."

"No. No buts...Your species is the only one whose basic beliefs on how to treat one another are the same but how you actually treat one another is contradictory to those beliefs. And your beliefs any one of you is better than anyone else is laughable. Do you think Your Creator CARES what kind of "wrapper" you come in?"

"No. But..."

"Shut it. Your skin color is like...what's something that even the simplest of your people can understand... phone cases. If you have a phone that's different than your friend's phone, does anyone freak out? No. It's a phone. It comes in different colors. May come from a different manufacturer. May be constructed in a different part of the world from parts made all over the world. You can dress it to match your personality. But it's a phone. Is your phone better than anyone else's?"

"Well..."

"Shut up, we dont have time. Your beliefs based on your needs is debatable. What do you need that's different than what someone else needs? You add apps. Think of religion, culture, language and skills being apps you add. Not everyone has the same app. No one judges you for the apps you put on your phone. No one should judge you for what is loaded onto you by the "factory" you're "made" and "built" in. You're a freaking phone..."

"What's about...?"

"The bullshit you people put each other through? Get over yourselves. Work together. You're the only species whose consciousness can evolve and you all choose to remain ignorant and unascended. You think you're so great? Remember the extinction of the dinosaurs? It can happen to you. What's more, you're doing it to each other. Idiots..."

Silence.

"Get yourself back there. Your time is different than ours."

"I just went to sleep."

"It's time to wake up. Literally. And spiritually. Go back. Share."

"No. People will think I'm crazy."

"You people ARE crazy."

"When will mankind evolve past the place we're at now?"

"When you're ready. Don't you know anything yet?"

"Apparently not..."

Sight of resignation. "Go back. Share."

And I plummeted back to Earth and landed with a whoosh in my bed. Woke.

I can't wait til I begin to "dream" about the mundane again. This is exhausting.

Wake up!

From my personal Facebook page, post dated November 21, 2016:

So, Tom...

You wanted to hear what my last big message was about?

So, standing at a lake with fog curling over it is was met by the same helper I met prior.

I was watching the mist over the water and was amazed because of how mist happens over water.

"It's because the water is actually warmer than the ambient temperature of the air. It creates it's own little pocket of weather. Or so I've heard..."

I looked at my helper. We sat on a weathered log together.

"I didn't mean to scare you."

I smiled. "You didn't. You surprised me."

"Many in olden days came up with explanations of what you see there. It's beautiful, no?"

I nodded. It's magical. "Poets have tried to give it words..."

We sat there and talked.

About illusions. About the power that human beings have given to things we don't understand.

And of course, I asked about what my helper knew about illusions.

The laughter was the thing I least expected.

"Come with me." And we were transported.

A beautiful world filled with homes surrounded with technology and knowledge.

The tour was extensive. And very thorough.

"How's does everyone afford this? These are things that we see in the movies."

"Knowledge is shared. It belongs to everyone. We work with our environment and resources to get the most effective benefit from it. Without disturbing the environment."

I got quiet. "Your world is amazing..."

"This isn't my world. This is what yours can be."

I was staggering with disbelief.

"You see, the greatest illusion are the things your kind have assigned value to. Like...money. Money is a human thing that makes no sense. You people have everything that can sustain you. Without that paper you've given so much value to. It separates your people. It starts wars. It divides you into classes. Haves and have nots. And that's where dissension comes from."

"Look at everything in your world. It has an assigned value. The only thing in your world that has true value is one another. The minds, thoughts, sanctity of life and the things we teach one another. With that tattooed paper and the melted down minerals you have given so much value to, you ignore the true value of what your life is supposed to be. You ignore what is so freely given to you. Each segment of humanity is given what they need to survive. When you don't have what you need, you move on. Like your ancestors have for millenia."

I stared at the view of this amazing picture of what could be.

"So...they're all equal. All of them."

"You're all equal."

It sunk in.

"You have been all been given an incredible gift. A gift of experiencing something miraculous but you waste it. On trivial things. You find ways of making one group more important than one another. It appears it's a human trait to try to explain phenomena that they each experience as being better than one another. That their experience is more valid. Or more important."

Me: "So...what's important?"

My helper smiled. "Growth."

I was confused. "What's kind?"

My helper. "All of it."

I wanted to know more. "But..."

"Shut up. You don't ask the right questions."

"What's is the answer to what I should ask?"

"Acceptance. Collaboration. Elevating the consciousness."

"How's do I..."

My helper smiled. "You need to wake up."

"Wait...no..."

"Wake up. Now."

And there is laid. Awake at 1:30 am.

Are we awakening? Is what we are experiencing a way to do that? And how the hell are we supposed to know?

Unexpected Territory

"I can't say I wasn't hoping for it, but I didn't see it coming."
~Jessi Kirby~

I haven't written in a long time. For a lot of reasons. With everything that is going on in the world at large and our own worlds, we tend to get lost in details of life.

Sometimes those details are mundane. Raising a family. Working. Making a life. Paying bills. All too common in this day and age of being to connected to technology and spending time with people who see us far more than our family does...

And then sometimes those details are remarkable. Watching your children grow into amazing human beings of their own accord. Seeing the people you work with experience growth and change you never expected. Finding a place in the world you didn't know you could flourish in. Falling in love-really falling in love for the first time...with myself. And with someone whose heart matches my own.





When I started blogging, I was trying to make sense of the chatter that was in my head. There was a lot. I experienced a lot of what other people do when great change occurs in life. I was drowning in heartbreak. My family's. My children's. But, especially my own. It kept me up at night. The pain of divorce, being penniless and trying to create a life out of nothing was overwhelming. And, so...I wrote.


I wanted to stop writing at one point, because I didn't think it was doing anyone any good. But, I was met with resistance. Friends. Family. And my own. I always found comfort in the printed words on page. For a little while, I could transport my thoughts out of my head in into type that expressed a lot of things. Mainly the feelings I had about myself . Misplaced feelings, perhaps. But they were mine.





I rebuilt myself. I had no choice but to. My livelihood and my children's lives depended on it. I worked harder than I knew I could work. It was common for me to work 60-80 hours a week. I was physically exhausted and somehow the stress got easier to bear. I wrote my feelings out because I didn't have the time to interact with people in a meaningful way with the time I had left in the day. And I craved that. Everyone craves that deep, meaningful human interaction.


Life got easier. More and more opportunities came from the work I did. I took them. Life continued to get easier. I reveled in the peace I was gaining in my life. In my heart. In my head. I opened myself up to the possibility of meeting someone I could share my life with. Which has been incredibly hard for me, given the experiences I had with The Dreaded Ex. Whatever personal thoughts, dreams or ambitions I shared with him, he used as a weapon to hurt me later when it was convenient for him and when he wanted to "manage me". I don't share a lot about the experience I had with him, unless it's with my patients. I only share those things when I know it may help someone else. Otherwise, it's counterproductive and makes my foundation shaky. I don't like shaky foundations...shaky foundations in my experience, lead to the yelling and trying to smooth things over.


People saw me as being a strong woman. Sure, I guess I can be. But, strength for single mothers rebuilding their lives is a necessity. It's not anything special or unusual to us moms and dads that HAVE to do for our family. I don't like praise or attention for that. It was plain, hard survival for a few years. Pragmatic. Purposeful. Intentional movement. Economy of motion was the tenet I lived by for awhile. I took a little time for myself. Seeing concerts with friends. Learning to be comfortable in my own skin. Coming back out of the insecure, quiet shell I had lived in for 20 years. Dating the occasional non-serious, "it's not going anywhere", emotionally inaccessible and very safe man.

"But, instead of what our imagination makes us suppose and which we worthless try to discover, life gives us something that we could hardly imagine."

~Marcel Proust~

 

The life changes I made enabled me to build something for myself for the first time. Something that was all mine. Something I could be proud of. The mean-spirited voice in my head that told me I would never succeed at anything I would do, that I would be a failure was quieted. Each act of success was my silent "kiss my ass" to that voice. Everything I gained, I became stronger in spirit. In fortitude. Physically. Emotionally. And, most importantly, spiritually.

The thing that helped me the most throughout my life has been adversity. It has shaped me to become more compassionate, more loving, more giving and forgiving. It has allowed me to love unconditionally. It has allowed me to understand the limitless of spirit and the limitations of being human. It has allowed me to understand that love does conquer all. Maybe not in the ways that we think, but in the ways that matter.

 

Somewhere along the way, I attained some wisdom. Not much, but enough to know what are the most important things in life. Family. Purpose. The immense joy and pain that love can bring you. And the incredible potential we all have in all of us to succeed in ways we have never imagined.

 

So, as I put these words to this page, I am confident in knowing that whatever life brings me, I can handle it. We just need the courage to go past our perceived limitations and use our imagination, our indomitable spirit to discover what we can't possibly imagine for ourselves. But, we need to get out of our own way.

The love I have discovered in the deep well of my own humanity has saved my life. It is mixed with experience and pain. It is mixed with indescribable joy. I longed for a life of mundane normalcy, but I have discovered that there is no normal. We all have scars. We all have strangeness. We are all unique. I plan on discovering that for the rest of my life in any way I can.

My one hand will be reaching for the unimaginable, but the other will be firmly held by those that love me and I love in return. My children. My friends. My family. The Man in My Life who has opened my heart and given me that which I never expected to get.

I am in unexpected territory. I am desperately, uncontrollably and unimaginably in love with life. The good. The bad. The ugly. And the truly remarkable. So beautiful it can't be captured in a picture or pretty words.

Mine.

Someone put
You on a slave block
And the unreal bought
You

Now I keep coming to your owner
Saying,

‘This one is mine.’

You often overhear us talking
And this can make your heart leap
With excitement.

Don’t worry,
I will not let sadness
Possess you.

 I will gladly borrow all the gold
I need

To get you
Back.

~Hafiz~

What is it exactly about hindsight that makes you see so clearly something that you missed while embroiled in the thick of it?

Some say we can never go back to Love that we lost. I say we never really lost it. It just gets waylaid somewhere along the way. Ambition. Careers. Drive. Dreams. Ego. Stubbornness. Hurt. And the Granddaddy of all relationship killers...timing.

Occasionally we get an opportunity to revisit Old Love. Sometimes it's accidental. Sometimes intentional.

The thing that I find is most interesting is that revisiting Old Love is like putting on your favorite old clothes. Old love fits well. It's comfortable. You know how it feels. And you know where you can stretch it and where you need to be careful so you don't tear the fabric. You know where all the worn spots are and how thin they may be. You don't have to impress Old Love because Old Love knows you just as well as you know Old Love. Old Love is the messy bun and sweatpants you wear on weekends.

Unfortunately, Old love is just that. It's old. There's a reason it didn't work out.

Sometimes we just need to feel. Something. Anything. And finding comfort in a compassionate face and a familiar heart isn't so bad. Just make sure you are seeking solace in Old Love for the right reason.

Inevitably, Old Love finds me. Frequently it takes many years of meandering through time and space before Old Love turns up. Like a bad penny. Old Love is always there...

Anyone who has experienced Old Love turning up knows Old Love's phrases well. 

"Losing you was the worst mistake of my life."

"I've missed what we had."

And my favorite...

"I've never stopped loving you."

 Don't get me wrong...Old Love is beautiful. You can look at Old Love through the mist and romantic fog of memories and it's all soft and hazy. Old Love can be warm and cozy. Old Love knows how you love your coffee, that you love to read ancient poetry on rainy days in wool socks, you cry during movies. Old Love knows what spot on your neck to kiss to make you melt, walking through a forest of trees make you happy and that your favorite flowers are peonies. Old Love tells you they think about you when they hear certain songs or read Thoreau. Old Love is familiar. Old Love is nostalgia and comfort and beautiful green eyes flecked with gold...

And Old Love left you.

Not because you weren't enough for them. Because you were too much. Were too passionate. Too driven. Too focused on career and family and life to pay enough attention to them. Old Love wounded you because they were afraid. They felt too deeply. Were too enamored of you. Old Love loved you too much.

So, when they call...you're not surprised. Old Love knows you are a forgiving and accepting person. They know you will actually talk to them and that you don't hate them. Old Love will flatter you with gifts and platitudes and flowers because they want you to make them feel as good as you always have. They bask in your presence. And have that softness in their voice when they say your name. Reverently. Like a prayer.

You know Old Love isn't really in love with you...Old Love needs your support. Because you're good at that.

The problem with this scenario is that you know it's short lived. Old Love doesn't change. No matter how well intentioned he is. You still are too much. Too passionate. Too driven. Too focused. And have too much energy for them to handle. You're overpowering...

No matter how much Old Love tells Unreal ‘This one is mine.’, you never will belong to anyone. You cannot be possessed by anyone. Not even sadness. All the gold in the world will never buy you back from Unreal...

Your heart and soul is a well. Your spirit runs deep.

There are different wells within your heart.
Some fill with each good rain,
Others are far too deep for that.

In one well
You have just a few precious cups of water,
That “love” is literally something of yourself,
It can grow as slow as a diamond
If it is lost.

Your love
Should never be offered to the mouth of a
Stranger,
Only to someone
Who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket
To protect you.

There are different wells within us.
Some fill with each good rain,
Others are far, far too deep
For that.

~Hafiz~

Kiss Old Love on the cheek and nestle in the arms to give your dear Old Love some comfort. Let them bask in your sun for a little while. They just miss your warmth. Old Love would never cut off pieces of their soul to comfort you...they just aren't built that way. You are. You're as deep as the earth and your soul is as vast as the Universe. Rains never reach some of our wells...some wells will always remain dry.

Tuck Old Love away with worn pictures faded with the patina of age and wrap them carefully so Old Love will not be damaged. Because Old Love is beautiful. Necessary. And in your past. You will not belong to Old Love. They belong to you. 

You know.

"Old Love is mine..."