Earth Mother, Brutish Man

“Man can never know the loneliness a woman knows. Man lies in the woman's womb only to gather strength, he nourishes himself from this fusion, and then he rises and goes into the world, into his work, into battle, into art. He is not lonely. He is busy. The memory of the swim in amniotic fluid gives him energy, completion. Woman may be busy too, but she feels empty. Sensuality for her is not only a wave of pleasure in which she is bathed, and a charge of electric joy at contact with another. When man lies in her womb, she is fulfilled, each act of love a taking of man within her, an act of birth and rebirth, of child rearing and man bearing. Man lies in her womb and is reborn each time anew with a desire to act, to be. But for woman, the climax is not in the birth, but in the moment man rests inside of her. 

~Anaïs Nin~

There is that terrible joke about men spending nine months waiting to get out of a woman's body and the rest of their lives trying to get back in. What people should really should concentrate on is getting into someone's heart and mind instead of trying to get in between their legs, get off and move onto the next.

Casual sex has really ruined the mystery and importance of sex for those of us whom it is something we don't take lightly and is meaningful for us. I'm extremely cynical about relationships and love and sex because of the attitudes I've come across in the men I've met. Even the nicest, most intelligent, always polite/conscientious and most amazing men can be cavemen when sex is involved. Hit 'em over the head and drag a girl off to their cave type thing...

Granted, I'm sure casual sex can be exciting at times. But how fulfilling is it really? I don't know about you, but I find sex with someone that I know, knows me and knows what I like and don't like to be far more satisfying than going through the motions with someone who doesn't know jack shit about what they are doing or who you are...or cares.

Being with someone who wants meaning out of sex isn't an idea that's unique to me or you, but to many other people too. Helen Fisher, PhD, a cultural anthropologist at Rutgers University, has conducted a study to look at casual sex.

More than 50% of women and 52% of men who went into a one-night stand, according to Fisher, reported that they did so hoping to create a longer relationship.  One-third of them actually did so.  What’s the lesson?
“Never assume that a man is not romantic,” Fisher says. “Two huge mistakes in this culture are that women are not sexual and that men are not as romantic [as women].”

I'm lucky enough to have younger friends. Younger male friends especially. They give me perspective on what gratuitous sex is like and how quickly they begin to feel like it's not enough. Usually it's like right around 26 or 27 (at least in the men I've spoken to). They begin to stop being satisfied with meaningless encounters and want to share something a little more significant with someone that means something to them. Someone who cares more that they're good guys and good friends than if they look hot, are up for a party, and don't just want to be the one available at bar-break to satisfy their inebriated carnal urges. They want someone that isn't interested in their car, how much they make or what they can buy or do for them. They want someone with a little more depth of character and elegance. This is why I have so many younger male friends. They want answers. They are hopeful (poor sots). They want some un-nameable quality I possess. So, we talk. They get whatever information they need and move on. Or we stay friends.

I've also been lucky to have female friends that have been single for a while (or again), or have had more experience than I in the relationship department. They feel the same way after a while. Men with commitment issues. Men with "complicated" other relationships. Or lesser evolved men who don't have a problem saying what they will to get a woman into the sack. Casual sex isn't something they want to do forever. I share what I know about men and what they want. We talk. They share their results with their men afterward.

See, I never really had the bad-decision making, gratuitous sex phase of my life because I was with The Dreaded Ex from the time I was about 18 til right about 36 (with a couple of years off for bad behavior for him somewhere amidst our time together). I have no idea about anything to do with the recriminations, the walk of shame or anything else like that. Why? Never really went through it, and I haven't had a whole lot of partners.

This can be a good thing, and a bad thing at the exact same time.

I can be a little naive when it comes to men, dating, sex, etc. I'm not so naive that I think sex might mean more than just what it is. Sometimes sex is just sex. I know lots of people who have sex just to have sex. Like that old idiom, to scratch an itch. I was raised to have a lot more of a healthy respect for it in regards to relationships. But sex in relationships is a different story entirely...

No wonder people are hyper-sexualized. Casual sex, FWB, OPP, booty calls...our entire society is gearing our couples for failure from the get go. Look what ideas we put out there in our movies, music, television, magazines and some parents who are poor role models to their children. Truthfully? I think, the majority of people are looking for something that doesn't have anything to do with sex at all...

A connection. Meaning. Someone who sees them. Not what they look like. Them. As a person. And still wants them. Someone they can hang out with and enjoy WITHOUT the pressure of sex.

It's loneliness and not wanting to be all by themselves that tends to get people into trouble. 

"Any but the most brutish of men must be touched with a certain awe or wonder at the baring of a woman's naked soul." ~Robert E. Howard~

Call me old fashioned. I am. I believe ladies should never pursue a man. It's not only tacky, but desperate. I believe a man should "court" and "woo" a lady. I believe a woman who is interested in said man should allow him to, but never lead a man on who she isn't sincere about having in her life.

Call me an idealist. I am. I think things can work out with most people in most situations. I say most. Even the best suited partners can be victims of timing and circumstance; distance-in miles or places in life; and desperately wanting to make things work even though there is no chance to whatsoever for other reasons.

Call me a romantic. Even after all the bullshit I've experienced since I've been single, the creeptastic men who don't get who I am as a human being but just see my face and not my heart...I still am a romantic. The small part of me who still believes in fairy tales, fervently hopes that there is a penguin somewhere who is holding a heart shaped pebble and waiting just for me to rescue his ass.

The world-weary cynic that lives in my head sneers at me, laughing at my naïveté. Mocking my foolish heart and guileless ingenue  But my idealistic, romantic girl believes in the innate magic of a woman's earthy voluptuous sensuality. 

You can see it. In how some women make other people react. Not just how they make men react, but how they make people react in general. They draw people to their mother goddess beauty, their always stroking-comforting-soothing touch, and people inevitably fall enchanted at the compassion and love that bubbles up like an eternal wellspring in these women. They're powerful without need of force, attractive without need of beauty aids, and sensual without actually being vulgar or sexualized. Men are completely drawn to this confidence, this softness of being, this basic womanliness.

Every single woman on the planet has this ability. It's just how you tap into it, and if there is a man out there that can bring it out of you...keep him.

I've figured out what the men in my life need and want. They want to feel needed, wanted, desired. But, they also want to feel safe, loved, taken care of. Without anyone thinking it's some sort of Freudian reference, men want that sensual earth mother. If you've ever had a boy-child, you understand that look that they give you.

"Love me even though I'm dirty, do sometimes thoughtless and reckless things, and make lots of noise and mess where ever I go. Hold me and cuddle me in private even though I may not want you to touch me or be too affectionate in public. Allow me to be vulnerable with you, but tell me how strong and brave and smart I am. Let me know I'm special. Let me know you need me. Let me know I'm your love."

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I don't agree with Anaïs Nin's quote completely. A woman's sensuality is not all fired up when a man rests inside her sex. A woman's sensuality is at home most when a man allows her to rest inside his heart.

It's not emptiness we feel, but the deeper knowledge that it doesn't have to feel that way. It's not loneliness we feel, but the knowledge that we can complement someone else and the impatience to find the one who complements it It's not just contact we crave, but the connection contact brings.

I don't agree with Howard's quote entirely either. It's not when a woman opens up her soul to a man that the most powerful and brutish feel most touched. It's when the most brutish and powerful man can bare his soul to a woman, and feels safe doing so...that is when men feel awe.