“How would your life be different if…You approached all relationships with authenticity and honesty? Let today be the day…You dedicate yourself to building relationships on the solid foundation of truth and authenticity.” ~Steve Maraboli~
Everyone has falsehoods in their relationships. Everyone. Anyone that says they don't is a liar.
The small white lies about you being a better person than you really are. The white lies you tell your children about who you are as a parent. The white lies you tell the family and friends who care for you in how you REALLY feel or are doing. The lies you even tell yourself about what you have in your life and that everything is okay.
The most important relationship to have be the most authentic in your life is the one you have with yourself. Going on 39 years of trying to figure out my own relationship with myself has taken its toll on me. I'm tired of it. Tired of trying to make excuses, make exceptions. Especially for myself. Trying to justify my actions and decisions because I am afraid to let things be really seen as I feel or how things are. That stretches back to when I was a little girl. My whole life feels like it's been this way.
I hear that lovely bit of self-talk frequently in my head. Sometimes I want to just be able to feel like it's okay for me to feel like shit about who I am and the decisions I make. Let me wallow in the emotional quicksand that is my psyche, because some days I just don't want to pretend I'm fine. Everything is alright. Things will get better because it doesn't always feel that way. When is it okay to feel that way? Anyone that knows me, knows that the answer is never.
"Suck it up cupcake. There are people that have it a lot worse than you. You should be taking this a lot easier. You can handle it."
I haven't always had an authentic relationship with myself. My biggest lies to myself and to others is that I'm fine. I'm okay. I can handle this. I'm doing well on my own. That things that the people who love you don't bother you. That things you do...or don't do...for yourself are acceptable. That I feel like I wasted a good portion of my life in making bad decisions. That I'm not really such a great mother, daughter, friend or loved one. That I really like who I am. That's the one that gets me all the time...I don't always like myself.
My relationships with other people are ones that I tend to keep the most on the surface, because if I begin to start dealing with how I really feel about other people and definitely how I feel about myself, I can easily break down into this whimpering, insecure and dissatisfied hollow shadow of myself.
People that know me, even those that know me well, don't know a lot about who I really am or what goes on inside my head or heart.
The feelings of indecision. The feelings of helplessness. With my own situation. With theirs. The feeling that I can't help enough. The feeling that I don't know what the hell I'm doing in MY life, let alone helping them figure out theirs. It's easy to see why I tend to keep so busy. I'm overwhelmed. Exhausted-physically AND emotionally. It's easier NOT to have time to delve into what's wrong with me than face it and be caught up with answers I don't really want to have.
What kind of answers am I afraid of?
Yes, you aren't always a good mother, daughter, friend, and you would make a terrible girlfriend/significant other/wife. Your skills and ego are over-inflated to protect how little you really are, how little you really know, how little you really feel. You allow yourself to be objectified by men and are dissatisfied that no one really "gets you" because they aren't allowed to be close enough TO you to see you're as fallible and human as everyone else is. Don't even think that you'd allow anyone to take care of you. God forbid you depend on anyone else, because everyone you depend on walks away or abandons you. No one wants you. Really. You're not worth being loved by anyone. You're loneliness is YOUR fault. You'll never be anything more than just someone people think is pretty and toys with. You're a fraud.
That negative self talk is a lot like monsters in the closet you had when you were a kid. You swear they're real, they're there...but when you look, the closet is just filled with ordinary stuff. Nothing scary at all. It's not real.
I never say these things out loud because I know I'd get my ass reamed out and handed back to me on a platter. I never say these things because I don't want to admit I'm weak. Or that I hurt. Or I am afraid. Or that I'm vulnerable as hell. Or any myriad of reasons that people would try to discredit immediately.
"I'm so proud of you. You're strong. You're beautiful. You're an amazing person. You're a great mother. You can handle anything. You can DO anything. You have so much dedication. You're a great mother, daughter, and you'd make someone a fantastic wife. You're so smart, so compassionate, so giving, so loving, so blah-blah-blah."
It's not that I don't think people are genuine when I hear these things being said to me. It's that I don't always feel them about myself. We all know how that feels. We all experience it.
So, here's me being completely truthful about me.
I'm tired of having to live up to expectations about being strong all the time. No one can be. That's physically impossible.
I'd love for someone to take care of ME for a change. I know that's not going to happen, because my role is always care-giver, not care-taker. I am mostly okay with that.
I am secure about my role as a mother, daughter, and family member. I'll do just about anything for my family. Even allow them to hurt my feelings, take advantage of my kindness, and to put up with just about any amount of bullshit in how I am treated, or ignored. They're my family. They're the most important things in my life. Even if I'm not the most important thing in theirs. I forgive. Constantly. I don't want to feel like I have a lot to forgive, but I'm sure I do too.
I am insecure as hell about any role where I would allow anyone outside of family get close to me. I honestly don't believe I'll ever find the person or people who may change my opinion on relationships between men and women, but I find wonderful things in the people who have been in my life and are in my life today. Each has taught me a lot. I grow. I change. My compassion for people grows with each experience. But, I know that I choose those that are unavailable in some way-distance, age, or circumstance purposefully. Sounds messed up. But it's how I know I can control my relationships. I'm actually afraid that there IS someone for me. Because I would not know how to handle it.
Yes, I've been hurt more than a few times. Who hasn't? But, I still believe in the good of people. I still believe that people have good intentions. I don't understand how people can willfully hurt another person, because it kills me to hurt another human being.
I still wonder about why my ex was so hurtful. I actually do want him to be happy. I pray every day that he finds peace for himself and for the sake of our children. I still don't like him. I have a hard time believing I loved him, but there was a time I did. Or think I did. I feel sorry for him.
I'm not a perfect parent. I let a lot of things slide these days, but I do my best. It's not always good enough. I know that. I worry about my children constantly. That's why I have so many damn rules for myself. Because I don't want them to be as screwed up as I am, and I definitely don't want anyone else I may bring in my life screwing them up either.
My coping mechanisms are not always healthy or what a lot of people I know would agree with or understand. That's okay. I don't expect anyone to understand why I need to do what I need to do. There are people in my life that allow me to do what I need to do, no questions asked. No expectations. I appreciate the hell out of that.
I am the keeper of many secrets. I'm a vault. People sometimes need to talk. I listen. People need to feel like they're not as fucked up as they think they are. They aren't. I'm fine with being that person to talk to. People just want the same thing the world over. To be accepted. To feel affection. To feel like someone else cares. To feel like they're not freaks. They're not. Their perception of what other people think is the thing that's messed up.
I don't like what I look like. I don't think I'm as attractive as what most people think. I am always wondering what the hell people see when they look at me. I don't like getting older. I don't like my body.
I don't like being such a perfectionist and hard on myself, because it deters me from allowing things to be out of my control around me. If it's not perfect I don't want to do it. I love control. Too much.
I am worried about failure. I am afraid of success. Both paralyze me. Sometimes that is really dangerous. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Sometimes with both, I end up sabotaging myself. Which is ridiculous and counter-productive.
But mostly, I'm afraid. Afraid of myself. My strength. My power as a woman, a mother, a daughter, someone's love...I'm really afraid there IS no limit with what I'm capable of accomplishing personally or professionally.
I know being that truthful can make a lot of people uncomfortable. But sometimes we need to understand that and embrace that discomfort. We also need to speak on those things that DO make us uncomfortable.
Being able to talk about what you're really feeling allows you to bring out the emotion and gain perspective. Bringing the fears out to the light of day takes away the power that fear has.
As a mother, when you allow your child to talk about their fears, you help them face them. Monsters in closets. Bullies at school. Learning new skills they don't think they can do and guiding them to grow. Same concept more or less. You don't discredit their fear or feeling, but instead you show them that they don't have to be afraid to try something new. That they have it in them to accomplish something challenging. That the power of their fear is only as strong as they allow it to be.
Allow people to feel the way they do. Telling them how they should feel is encouraging them not to live as authentically as possible. Fear can be a propellant, it makes us move. We might make mistakes, but we're moving and learning. Sometimes we need to feel like shit to make ourselves feel better. Sometimes we need to feel unstoppable to help us to get where we need to go. And sometimes we just need someone to listen and hold our hands, with the acknowledgement that they occasionally feel like they don't know what they're doing or why they feel the way they do.
Makes one think, doesn't it? The power of just allowing ourselves to be human. No judgement. No false bravado. No encouraging stuffing of emotions. Just to talk. Be present. Who knows...maybe they'll allow you to see who they are as well. And maybe in that ability to let down the wall, the perpetual guard, you may find something that you never expected. Yourself.
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