Pursuit of Frustration

“Don't aim at success. The more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one's personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long-run—in the long-run, I say!—success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think about it”  ~Viktor E. Frankl~

The only problem I have with this quote is that in my experience you DO have to pursue it.

I grew up with the knowledge that if I wanted something bad enough I couldn't wait on things to be just right or have optimal conditions before It came to me. I knew everything  I got in life I would have to work for. I knew the things I appreciate the most are the things hard fought. That doesn't mean I don't get tired of the fight. Because I do. I'm exhausted thinking about and doing all the things that will make me successful. That's all I do. It's all work, it's all about setting myself up for success.

Success gurus will tell you not to rest on your laurels, that truly successful people keep moving on to the next project, the next great thing even when the victory is still fresh...I am here to tell you that isn't easy. Those of you who have gone through this or ARE GOING THROUGH THIS right now know this can be one of the most draining things imaginable.

I knew going into starting a business would be taxing. I knew I would be tired on the proving ground. I knew there would be a lot of times that I would feel like giving up, quitting, and failing.

I feel that way right now. I feel like a failure...until...

I realize how far I've come. I know there is a long way that I have to go. But, I know how much of my struggle is behind me.

But...

 I am afraid every day. I'm sick of overextending myself physically, mentally, financially. I yearn for a social life again. I yearn to spend more time with my children. I hunger for a day off. I just want someone else to take care of everything so I can just bake some fucking cookies and get a manicure. Take a vacation. See my family down in Washington. Not worry that I will not have enough time, money or resources to support my family.

These are times I wish I could have been satisfied marrying for security and been shallow and vapid enough to be satisfied with just that.

Unfortunately, I'm not shallow or vapid. I am never satisfied with the status quo. And I am always struggling. To make it through the day. To have faith in myself and trust everything will be fine. To make ends meet.

What's missing? Why can't I achieve? I see people that aren't the kinds of people I am and they don't have to work for anything! I see people who aren't very nice get whatever their twisted little hearts desire. Why the hell does it have to be so hard for me? What karma did I fuck up in such a way that relegated me to the struggle? I know it's not always like this for other people. So, why "them" and not me?